Miss You Issues: Party Girl - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I met him in 2014, through Instagram; we became friends since then, but just started to actually date in July 2016. I live in Brazil, and he lives in the US. I got into college last year, and it’s been really hard for him to deal with me wanting to go to parties and go out with my friends, mainly to drink. I haven’t done anything wrong, but he says he doesn’t want me around situations that could help something bad to happen. At one of the parties I went to, with his consent, he suddenly broke up with me in the middle of the party through the phone. On the next day, after countless missed calls from me, he decided to start it again. However, this whole situation is making my mental health go crazy because I want to go out, to party; but I also want him. And as a woman who believes in feminist ideas, this makes me really sad with myself. I have tried to talk to him about this and think about a solution that can be good for us both… But when someone invites me to a party, he gets all mad, jealous and even overreacts sometimes. And I am ashamed to talk about this with my friends because I think they’ll judge me in the wrong way.

So, Miss U, please, help us and our relationship! What do you think I should do? What should I tell him to try to make this better?

Thank you!
Nahiman

Dear Nahiman,

I’m not sure there’s much you can do. You’re already being honest with him. You already tell him where you’re going and who is likely to be there. You haven’t (to the best of my knowledge) done anything to warrant his suspicion of you. Partying is a perfectly normal thing for a 19-year-old to do.

Have you ever been so drunk that you don’t know where you are? Do you drink until you black out, or until you vomit? Are you driving home drunk? Are you drinking every day? Are you breaking the law while under the influence? Do you send people drunk abusive texts? If your answers are no, I’m not seeing a problem here.

If you don’t have a history of getting completely smashed, making out in dark corners with strangers or otherwise being unfaithful: he is the problem, not you.

A relationship can’t survive without trust. It would be easy to think, “Oh, I’ll just stop partying to make him happy.” But then what’s next? What other ways will his need to control and his lack of trust rear their ugly heads? Too often in these situations, one partner just gives up who they are, their interests and their friends, piece by piece, until all they have is their partner.

My advice would be to talk with him and dismantle his arguments. Find out exactly what the problem is. He’s terrified of drinking because his parents were alcoholics? Fine, you don’t have to drink around him or talk to him under the influence. He doesn’t like parties because he wants more time with you? Fine, schedule more date nights. No one wants to be home alone every night with no one to call on Skype; perhaps you can work on balancing your social time if needed.

But if it’s just he is afraid you’ll cheat? There’s nothing you can say or do that you’re not already trying. We never know 100% that our loves aren’t cheating, we just trust that they respect us enough not to cheat. Maybe he’ll go with the old, “I trust you, I just don’t trust them.” But that’s bullpoop too. It takes two people to cheat. You have to consent to it for it to happen. And if you don’t consent? That’s sexual assault. It’s rape. That’s an attack on your person and it doesn’t matter how much you’ve had to drink or what you are wearing, victims never “ask for it.”

Help him see that he is being ridiculous, and if after all that he’s still having tantrums about you being a normal teenager then maybe this is a deal breaker for him and you’re better off going your separate ways. That’s why we date, after all, so we can find the most compatible partner. Sometimes two great people can be in love and still not be compatible.

Don’t let anyone guilt you for having harmless fun. (But remember you’re in college to study, too 😉 )

All the best,

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About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.