Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I wish that there could be a way to feel as if we were closer. We facetime each other every day, no day that we have not, but it feels like if it’s not enough. We want to watch movies together play games together, have fun together but there is nothing that allows us to do that. We have tried synatop to watch movies but it does not work, we have tried playing online games but we never seem to be doing it together. What can we do, the next time that we will see each other would be in a month but it feels forever, since that would be our fifth month without each other. Please help.
Brenda
Dear Brenda,
The important thing is to keep trying. Don’t think it’s too hard or too much effort and then give up. I know I sound old but, back in my day there weren’t programs and websites for you to watch shows or movies together. We would have separate copies of the movie and count down 3… 2… 1… Play! And click the button at the same time. When we listened to music together, one of us played the music extra loud so the other could hear it too. There’s always a way.
With online games, have a character or game that you only play together. So that one person doesn’t get ahead of the other. Play on the same team. Some games are easier to play together than others, but there are plenty of options, so don’t limit yourselves to just one genre.
You can also play some old-school games together, like battleship.
One of the best things you can do together is to choose a book or series and read to each other (He reads one, you read the next.)
You could also begin an artistic project, perhaps a photo book if you are both into photography, where you sit down together and work out your goals/design and what part each of you would play then you go ahead and create it together.
Another idea is to put your phones/tablets in stands and cook together, make the same recipe and then enjoy the fruits of your labors companionably.
A large part of this, no matter what ways you spend your recreational time, is always going to be mental. If you focus on the distance, he will always feel far away, whereas if you focus on how happy he makes you, how great it is he’s in your life and you have plenty of laughs together the distance fades into the background.
Dear Miss U,
Recently my boyfriend and I experienced our second break in our 10 month LDR. When I say break we took a few days to think and didn’t talk to each other. After each break I always feel like our relationship is stronger but we are both so young and he is worried we might have rushed into it. We met on a cruise, spent a little time off the boat together after the cruise and before we separated we became official. By the time I fly up to him it will be 4 months of separation. My boyfriend hates using Skype because he feels like he never knows what to say and he doesn’t like to just sit there and do nothing so after our second break we decided we would start playing world of Warcraft together and video Skype less often. It definitely helps us with communication skills, ones that we have never had before. I just feel like he is pulling back, that the only reason we are still together is because the plane ticket is booked. We have 45 days till we are together again for 3 weeks. Both breaks the decision has been left to him. I know I love him but sometimes it feels like I put most of the work into keeping our relationship going and I can honestly say I am getting tired. WOW makes it better we talk during it and more often than in the past. When we talk about our relationship he always has a hard time getting his emotions out and he can never say he is sure. Am I just holding onto a guy that will never love me as much as I love him?
Geekin for my Canadian
Dear Geekin,
Great name!
I’m a big fan of MMO’s as a way for couples to learn to work together and spend time with each other. I’m glad that seems to be working for you.
I think there are two main things here that need to be considered, firstly: Why do you have breaks?
To me, breaks are most often pointless, they show that a couple is more willing to ignore a problem than to face it and fix it and that’s not a great sign. So I think it would be key to address what is behind those breaks in the first place because eventually if they aren’t addressed they will become insurmountable and a break might turn into a break-up.
Secondly, I don’t think it’s a case that he will never love you as much as you do him, more a case of you are more willing to jump in with both feet than he is. For whatever reason, women have a greater need for romantic relationships than men, we invest more time and effort in the relationship, and are ready to fully commit at an earlier stage. Unfortunately that can come across as rushing in, being pushy, needy and clingy or be mistaken as a lack of love on our partner’s part. Just because you’re embracing it faster doesn’t mean he’s a wasted investment of your time, perhaps in the future when the full force of his feelings finally hit him, it will feel as though you can’t match his love.
As for the distancing, maybe you both really just need this visit. You need a chance to reconnect and remember how great you are in person.
Sometimes absence makes the heart fonder, but other times loneliness just wears your spirit down and you forget why this is all going to be worth it. In the meantime, have fun together. Don’t push the big talks or ask him how sure he is of this relationship. Give it time.
