Miss You Issues: Pay Attention to Her - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have known each other for a year through school. We pretty much started liking each other as soon as we became friends. We started dating four months ago, things were great but 2 months ago he left for college and it’s pretty far away. I’ve visited him once for his birthday. I am so happy and proud of him for adjusting and making friends easily and smoothly, but now our relationship is on some sort of schedule and we talk to each other in like 15-minute intervals. He is so busy and I am too but it just feels like he is loving school more than he loves me. (I know this isn’t true but it feel that way) I don’t want to sound crazy and tell him to stop what he’s doing and pay attention to me. I want him to know I’m happy for him but I just wish we communicated more. It would also be nice if he put in effort to come home to see me because I did the same for him. What do I do?

– Miss Confused

Dear Miss C,

If you don’t tell him, he’s never going to know, nothing will change and eventually, you’ll be so unfulfilled by this relationship you’ll move on. It’s in your best interests to communicate with him in the same open, matter-of-fact way you have told me.

It’s not too much for you to ask for one evening a week where he stays in and makes you his priority, nor should you be afraid to let him know (without hinting) that you’d appreciate a visit in the near future.

It’s ok to say “this isn’t working for me,” and to expect your concerns to be addressed by the other member of your team.

Dear Miss U,

I live in Illinois and my boyfriend is in college in Kansas. He’s been gone since September. Before he left things were really great. We were together all the time and going out to places a lot. We knew that it would be hard once he left. I’m having doubts now and so is he (sort of). It’s like one minute I’m happy the next I’m depressed. I want this to last but he just seems too busy for a relationship now. He tries his hardest though to keep in touch and let me know what’s going on. I’m so used to always seeing him and being with him. It’s just really hard. For the past few weeks things have been rocky. I don’t want to give up, but a part of me feels like the relationship is reaching its end. That could be because of the distance. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do and I’m tired of feeling this way. I don’t want to keep bringing it up to him either because that can get annoying. Neither of us wants to lose each other.

Should we still keep going with this relationship or should we just go our separate ways?

– 8 Hours Away

Dear Eight,

I can’t tell you to stay or to go, but I can tell you I don’t see a reason here to break up. If you don’t want to lose each other though, breaking up isn’t the best way to proceed.

How much the distance sucks, like many things in life, depends almost entirely on your attitude. You can choose to be grateful to have an amazing, supportive, respectful, and loving partner; or you can choose to focus on the fact he’s not in the same room with you right now. You can throw yourself into making this the best LDR ever, or you can endure it sullenly and miss out on all the romance. The choice is up to you.

The first step, if you want to stick this out, is to pay attention to your feelings and acknowledge when the anger or sadness or feelings of powerlessness seep in and address them. Talk yourself down and assess what other factors are influencing your mood. Are you sick? Tired? Stressed? Hungry? Did your best mate just go out on a killer date and you’re jealous? Then troubleshoot your findings. Can any of those factors be addressed to lighten the load you are under? Can you reset yourself somehow? Hot bath, funny movie, take a walk, meditation, yoga, journaling, calling a parent or other safe loved one for a chat, and counting your blessings are all good places to start.

Often I find when I think the world is against me, my marriage isn’t going to last, I’m lonely and unloved etc. I’m actually just tired. And if I go to bed and sleep it off I’m back to my usual optimistic self in the morning.

I know it feels like forever but he really hasn’t been gone long. I would think you’d both still be adjusting at this point, but if the new year rolls around, you’ve tried the strategies I’ve talked about here, and you still feel like it’s not worth it I want you to know, that’s ok. If you’re miserable and you can’t get this relationship to meet your needs long distance, it’s fine to admit that and walk away. Long distance isn’t for everyone and there’s no shame in that.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.