Miss You Issues: Plan It! - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My SO and I have been in an official relationship for a little over 6 months now, but have known each other pretty well as friends since the beginning of high school. He recently just moved away to pursue his dream job and our friends and family keep asking me how he and I are going to make our relationship work. I’m worried that my answer is almost always “I don’t know.” He’s only six hours away so we’ve agreed to not go any longer than a month without seeing each other, but that’s the only thing we’ve really talked about. I know some things have to be figured out as we go along, but should we have more figured out than we do?

New to this

Dear New to this,

If someone came up to me tomorrow and asked me how I plan to make my marriage work, I’d probably answer “I don’t know” too. It’s just not something we often think much about or the kind of question that is really polite for others to ask.

You have certainly made a start by agreeing not to go longer than a month without a visit. That’s a sign that you are both making the relationship a priority; which is one thing you can say instead of “I don’t know.”

Beyond that it helps to have a conversation about how often each of you expects to talk, and how much texting is too much. I generally recommend one or two hours of talking a day, regardless of proximity. You can also work through a book of couples questions together, to better understand each other; your needs and expectations.

Another true answer you can give is to say “We are making it work by holding each other’s happiness paramount, supporting each other’s dreams and always having the end-goal of a joint future in mind.”

Generally, like with anything, the longer you do the distance the better at it you’ll become. Don’t borrow worry from other people.

Dear Miss U,

Although my problem does not seem so important as some of the ones on the website, I am struggling.

Me and my boyfriend are in a long distance, we have had on-off relationship before for 6years. The past year we have dated. I try to see him as much as possible, And so far it’s going good. I have this problem where I seem to cry and be extremely sad when I’m in my hometown. I can’t stand leaving him.

Is that feeling ever go in to end or how can I make it stop?

Also, I show emotion very easily. He doesn’t… but this distance is affecting me, so I’m sad and I do tell him that but yesterday when I had to leave again he told me that the distance also affects him, but his acting strong so that it doesn’t affect me more, And that me being ‘weak’ makes it hard for him to be strong. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t seem to get it right and act strong, but I also don’t want to make things harder for him.

Needing Peace

Dear Needing peace,

There are techniques you can use to help yourself process and reign in these overwhelming emotions, but I’d need to write a whole book to provide them for you sadly. Instead I’d recommend you do some research on meditation and breath control. You could also use a grounding technique (often used to battle anxiety) which requires you to focus on your environment and find:
5 Things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch (and touch them), 2 things you can smell or like the smell of, and 1 slow, deep breath.

It’s not healthy to try to not feel, or to ignore your emotions. Bottling them up usually ends badly. But being able to have some degree of control over when and where you work through them is wonderful. It’s worth the effort of finding a few techniques.

You are not helpless. With that said, no, I don’t think you will ever stop feeling this way, the key is to stop these feeling taking over your life.

I can only speak for myself here but personally I found my partner “trying to be strong” just made everything more painful. I felt so much better when he finally admitted that he would go home and cry inconsolably each time I left. When he tried to be strong I just felt alone, like he didn’t care, but when he allowed himself to be vulnerable I was able to put aside my own sorrow and nurture him. Yes, we were still heart sore, but we bonded and held each other up rather than withdrawing and adding that extra strain to the relationship.

So maybe it’s time you gave yourselves permission to be sad. You know it’s going to happen, so plan for it. Line up a tear-jerking movie and some snacks for the last day of each visit. Live those emotions, process them and then gather yourselves up and keep on keeping on.