Dear Miss U,
Since me and my boyfriend have been together he has always made it clear that I am his, which all in all I have found positive because it made me feel so important to him but now we’re in a long distance relationship he has started making remarks to almost control me in some ways.
On our last weekend together before I moved to Australia he would tell me not to cheat on him which I thought was okay since he was worried so I overlooked it however since moving here he has also told me he doesn’t want me to make any guy friends which got to me a little since every time I have moved to a new country I have always found that I get along with boys just as well as I do with girls. After this I continued to add that I was looking forward to getting my makeup to which he replied with ‘I don’t want you to wear makeup’ and I said ‘it’s because you don’t want me to look better in front of other boys right?’ And he said yes. Furthermore he has asked to see my outfit and then asked if I was seeing anyone today as if I was dressing up for someone else or he would say ‘don’t wear that in front of guys’ when the clothes are not revealing in any way.
On top of this, there have been times where he has admitted to look at other girls and also I had seen a photo of a girl in underwear on his phone so I almost feel like he’s being hypocritical.
I know that he loves me deeply and I love him too but I feel in some ways he can be controlling and I’d like to know what to do or how to react.
Lauren
Dear Lauren,
I’m glad you have written to me so that I can reassure you that no, this is not ok, and it’s not your fault. I personally would leave a guy who treated me in that manner, but I understand you love him and he is young enough to learn that this is not how women in this century are treated.
I would start by introducing him to the basic concepts of feminism. Laci Green has some fantastic, easy to understand and well-researched videos that you can find on YouTube. The bonus here is she’s actually really hilarious, so becoming educated on equality won’t be boring for either of you.
Once you have him thinking of you as an equal human being it might be easier for him to let you act independently and trust you.
I completely understand how you feel. Sometimes it’s nice to feel like you belong to someone, to feel protected and cared about. Sadly when he says, “You are mine,” he doesn’t just mean you are his girlfriend, he means you are his property. Which you’re not. You don’t belong to anyone. Not your parents, not your siblings, not your church, not your government and most certainly not to some sixteen year old boy who thinks he can boss you around. You deserve respect and a partner who respects you does not think he owns you, does not tell you what to do, what to wear or who you can be friends with. This is the kind of controlling behavior that can easily turn abusive, so if he doesn’t stop it by your first anniversary don’t let there be a second one.
All you can do is speak up for yourself and don’t give into his pressure to change who you are and how you behave. If you want to wear make-up, it is your right to wear make-up. If you want to go out scantily dressed (I know you don’t, but if you did) then you should do so. Being attractive to other guys doesn’t mean you’re going to do anything with them. Seeing other guys you think are attractive doesn’t mean you’re going to cheat, either. It is a fact that there are going to be other people throughout your lives that you are attracted to or who will be attracted to you – even if you spend all your time in sweatpants. He can’t stop that from happening; but he can drive you right into another guy’s arms if he insists on treating you like an object with no thoughts or feelings of your own, and I would recommend telling him that. Let him know that you won’t put up with disrespect any longer and that if he wants control over someone’s life he better go back to his video games.
Dear Miss U,
Do you think our age difference is that bad? I mean I’ve known him for so long. I live in North Carolina and he lives in Mexico. And it’s so hard right now for us.
Sofia
Dear Sofia,
Based on just the numbers, no, I don’t think it is that bad. But five years when you’re 30 and he’s 35 is a lot different than five years apart when you’re not an adult and he is.
There are some things that are genuinely concerning about relationships involving age differences and these are that both of you are likely to be in different stages of life, and that the older person generally holds power over the younger person. In a lot of these kinds of relationship the younger person doesn’t even realize there’s a discrepancy in social power or how easy it is for an older partner to take control of the relationship and the younger person’s life.
You need to be the person who is completely comfortable with this relationship, because you’re in it. Whether I think it’s bad or not shouldn’t be your concern. Are you happy? Because that’s what matters.
Access the dynamic between the two of you. Does he exhibit any controlling behavior? Do you defer to him? Do you feel like you need to ask permission before you do certain things? Do you come away from conversations feeling guilty when you didn’t think you were doing anything wrong? These are all red flags.
Now, access your goals and where you are at in life. If you’re both studying, or you’re studying and he’s working but hasn’t entered a career, he probably isn’t so far ahead of you and that means you will be able to finish growing up together. Talk about when you see yourselves traveling, getting married, having children, meeting career goals and see if these things line up. Are you compatible? Are the lifestyles you wish to lead harmonious? Or do you see yourself working a day job while he works nights; you see yourself backpacking for five years after high school and he dreams of buying a house; you dream of a career but he sees you at home raising children etc.? Are you on the same page?
Lastly, one of the hardest parts of a relationship with an age difference is how other people react to it. Some people, especially your parents, might really struggle to accept it. This is because of the power imbalance issue I spoke about earlier. They don’t like seeing you in a vulnerable position. Sadly, because people in age differential relationships become accustomed to dealing with negativity, sometimes when a person outside the relationship raises a genuine concern it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking “Oh, he/she really just wants us to break up because of the age difference” when that isn’t necessarily the case. I would caution you not to disregard people’s concerns or advice out of habit. Listen to them individually and take any nuggets of wisdom you find before discarding the rest.
