Dear Miss U,
I’m having trouble getting on the same page as my boyfriend about communication. We are a dual military couple and this is the first deployment He is in Japan and I am in Washington. He can text any time and call when connected to wifi. I’ve asked him to communicate more, simple like a text about his day. He does it for two days then stops. He does not like it and he thinks it’s a chore. I don’t get how every free moment have I get the urge to talk to him or text him but to him it is not a priority. He says he loves me and I believe he does. He just keeps telling me it’s his personality which is true he is not a big talker and add you can see am. I’m just lost as what to do, everything suggest is either annoying, stupid, or something “he doesn’t think about”
Any clue?
– Devyn
Dear Devyn,
I’m not sure how exactly he thinks you’re going to maintain a long distance relationship if talking to you is something he doesn’t think about, or is annoying. Now I can completely understand people who are adverse to one form of communication or another; some people are afraid of talking on the phone, other’s will find any excuse not to webcam and I personally get frustrated with massive amounts of texting, but a person has to have some means of communication they are willing to use or the relationship is non-existent. On hold. Paused. Not really what you signed up for.
What does he suggest? Is he offering any compromise or coming up with an idea to keep this relationship alive? That would be the next step. If he’s shot down everything you’ve bought to the table, it’s his turn to come up with something. Your needs are not being met within this relationship, and from the sound of your letter you’re not expecting an unreasonable amount. If after the next time you discuss this he still does not wish to communicate with you and nothing changes I would take that as a sign he’s not as invested in this as you are, and I would suggest moving on.
Dear Miss U,
My partner and I are happy, handling long distance well (as well as can be expected at least) and all plans for being in arm’s reach again are in motion. But in the meantime, I was hoping you could give advice on how to handle those bad moments: when something goes horribly wrong on her end and words aren’t enough to help with the tears.
It tears me apart to see her do anything but smile, we skype almost 24/7 (I’m there when she comes home and everything) but when something really bad happens, when words just aren’t enough and I just need to hold her, I can’t.
– Sabby
Dear Sabby,
This tends to be one of the hardest parts of a long distance relationship, but believe it or not, your presence is a powerful thing. And you can still be present for her emotionally and mentally if not physically. You can even be there for her spiritually if that’s how the two of you roll, and in my opinion those things are more important than physical touch. I’ve been held by someone who gets that bored far-away look in their eyes, and I’d trade it one hundred times over for the unbroken attention of someone who cares, even if I can’t feel their warmth and they can’t make me a hot chocolate to soothe my soul.
Depending on the situation, tell her what you would do in person if you could. Or offer to listen to some music with her, music therapy can make a significant difference. Occasionally it’s wonderful to distract her with a quick gift if that’s within your means – for example, pizza delivery places often have deserts that they will bring right to her door – something fast, thoughtful and able to draw her attention away from what is bothering her. If that’s not appropriate, then just be there for her. Be present and patient and undistracted. Just stay there, and let her know you’re staying there, rather than abandoning her because there’s “nothing you can do”. Just being there is doing something. She is not alone. If she needs to reach out, if she needs to talk, you are at hand. She won’t have to feel like she’s bothering you; won’t have to find the courage to contact you – because the connection is already open. It’s funny how these things make a difference, but they do.
Sometimes there really is nothing you can do and even when you have done all you can the pain and tears will still be there. It’s hard to go through and hard to witness, but it’s a fact of life we all face. Those bad times can not last forever nor can the distance so when that happens; just hold on.
This too shall pass.
