Dear Miss U,
It’s been not long over a year and every day I fall for my significant other just a little more, I love them so much and they are soooo important to me. But it’s been so long, we rarely get to video due to the 8 hour gap and although we message every night for as long as possible, the distance is really starting to hurt. All I want is my partner in my arms for the first time or even just their hand but with so many commitments to ensure a positive future, it’s difficult to raise the funds to see each other. How do I deal with the pain? Just long enough to last till next year.
I hope you can help ease my long distance heartbreak,
Jack
Dear Jack,
There are two things you can do, but before I go into that I have to break it to you that nothing really makes it better. I believe we do tend to get better at doing long distance however, I also believe it gets harder over time to keep sticking it out. So whilst there are things to do to help yourself cope, nothing is going to make it the pain disappear. Relationships do take a bit of work, and you can chalk these feelings up for being part of that.
One thing you can do is use your mind’s own power to overcome your heart’s pain. Think positive, use affirmations and turn your woe into something to celebrate. Acceptance goes a long way, as does gratitude. Make a list of things that make this relationship the best despite the distance. Then make a list of things you’d like to do that you can only do in a long distance relationship, and when you start getting down work on one of those projects. Some ideas to get you started might be:
- Planning the perfect surprise visit (This is hard and expensive, but hey, when you are internationally long distance you generally have a few years and some visas standing in the way, so you have time to work towards something grand.)
- Pulling off some grand gesture of love at a distance, such as sending a whole puzzle a few pieces at a time, getting a recording of yourself broadcast on nir* favorite radio station or enlisting a friend of nirs to help with some other surprise.
- Sending flowers or pizza to nir house.
- Making an advent calendar for when you finally do have a meet to count down to.
I’m sure the community members on this website would love to help you gather ideas as well.
Another thing you can do aside from thinking positive and taking advantage of being long distance is by throwing more effort into things that help you feel closer. Have you tried doing a t-shirt exchange so that you can experience each other’s scents? (Zip lock bags recommended for this) or creating voice recordings so that you can still hear each other on days you can’t talk in real time? Why not read nir your favorite book and Dropbox the files?
Lastly, focus on progress, no matter how small that progress is. Keep saving what money you can, and realize every day is a day closer to being together because the older you are the easier it is to close the distance. I’m not one for wishing your life away or anything, but at 17 you don’t have as much freedom to progress your relationship as you will as an adult. Even when it feels like you are standing still, you are actually still getting there!
Don’t give up hope Jack, nothing worth doing is easy.
* Gender neutral personal pronouns have been used because the gender of Jack’s partner is unknown.
Dear Miss U,
My bf and I knew each other for 2 years before being in a Long distance relationship. We met in an online game. We are best friends. We were unsure of being in ldr because of the distance. When I finally met him for the first time this year in June, he told me he wants to be in a LDR. He had it in his head all along but didn’t acknowledge it. We’ve been Skyping and texting via Facebook messenger. But lately, I feel like something’s off. I feel like he’s being distant with me. (This week) He’s been going out. He doesn’t text me for a whole day and it worries me. The reason I worry too much is because he has bipolar. He gets really weird out the most at night. He told me about his exams and assignments. He’s not active on social media whenever he goes out. His previous messages on the last few days were fine. Like how He misses me and that I complete him. He also spent time with me on my bday which was on 14 Sep. he said he don’t have much money but jut enough to buy a gift and would send it to me late. I texted him last night and he replied it today at 2.45am. My usual message would be good morning, I love u and I hope you have a wonderful day. His reply: I love you too. I miss seeing your face. There’s no smiley or anything. It’s not his usual bubbly text. I don’t know what’s going on he’s summer holiday starts on October onward. It’s only September and I’m freaking out. Is he cheating?
Decruz
Dear Decruz,
Why would he be cheating? Why is it that cheating is ALWAYS the first thing anyone ever panics about? Doesn’t it make more sense to be worried that he is struggling with his mental health or with the distance? Or to assume that he is just really busy? Your letter says he has assignments and exams and he’s been going out a fair bit. All perfectly normal things, things that keep a person busy.
If you want more contact, simply let him know that you’d feel more a part of his life and it would put your mind at ease if you had at least one text a day, just so you know he’s alive and well.
But cheating? You say this man is your best friend. Do you trust your best friend so little that you’d write to an anonymous advice columnist for a cheating diagnosis, even though I know nothing about him? What if I say, “Yes, he’s definitely cheating!” Will you confront him or even leave your love on the strength of the words of some stranger who has no way to know your relationship better than you do? No!
Decruz, this is not what trust looks like. This is something you need to work on, for your own sanity as well as the health of your relationship. People act differently for a variety of reasons, maybe he’s just really tired or has been taking drugs or had a falling out with a friend and is still processing it. Maybe when he doesn’t pick up the phone he is cheating. Or maybe he’s just taking a really big poop and then it slipped his mind and it never occurred to him that it was a big deal or that you’d panic and assume he was doing the dirty. Perhaps, as is common for people with mental health issues, he is feeling alienated by everything going on in his mind and that is restricting his contact with you; but whatever it is jumping to conclusions won’t get you to the bottom of things and won’t help your relationship. So ask him! Tell him you have noticed he is acting a bit “off” and ask him if there’s anything you can do to help.
Beyond that, give yourself a good shake, and give this man (and your relationship) the trust it deserves.
