Proceed With Caution: LDR Boyfriend Asks for Gifts and Other Red Flags

Dear Miss U,

My LDR boyfriend visits as often as he can; every 3 weeks or so. Now, as of his most recent visit, it had been 26 days since he visited, but he came in for my birthday. He only got me a card.

We have never gone out anywhere. He stays in my beautiful home and drives my expensive sports car. He constantly says he loves me. I don't know if this relationship is going anywhere or not.

This most recent visit was a little unusual; I told him I needed to abstain this time due to a medical issue, and he was going to cut the 3-day visit short because he "had things to do." I asked him to please say for the whole time, and he said no. The next day he said he would stay for the whole time, which he did.

He asks me to pay for things and once he said he wants me to buy him gifts. He has given me nice cards in the past but that is all. He is a flight attendant so he flies here for free. He keeps saying that he will "stay longer/ stay for a week," but he actually stays for 1 to 3 days.

Am I wasting my time?
Worried and Wondering

Dear Worried and Wondering,

I’m worried too. This screams red flags to me. Who asks for gifts; particularly if they aren’t a giver themselves?

That he threatened to cut an already short visit even shorter because you were abstaining seems very manipulative to me. It’s your body. Even if you just didn’t feel like having sex, sure he’d be disappointed, but that’s not the point of the visit. There are lots of ways to be intimate and deepen your connection with your clothes on, so that whole exchange makes me feel a bit gross.

He says he loves you. That’s great. It’s important to hear that reassurance. But what does he do to show you? Actions speak louder than words, and all that. When he’s staying in your beautiful home, is he helping with the housework or yard work? Is he respectful of your time and energy, or are you serving him? Does he cook? You recently had a medical issue, did you feel like you could discuss that with him openly? Did he give you extra concessions for any moodiness, or do anything to show you he cares about what you’re going through? And do you feel loved, both when together and when you’re long distance?

So, you’ve never gone on a date. Do you do cute things at home together? Is there an effort to make the visits special? Why don’t you go out anywhere together? Does he give a reason? Or is he just tight with money to the point of stupidity? I understand being on a budget, but there are plenty of free and cheap things to do; besides, you can’t take that money with you when you die.

It is concerning if you are always the one paying, that he seems to expect a lot but isn’t giving anything in return, and the visits are all incredibly short. Your uncertainty tells me you either haven’t spoken in depth about the future, or you can’t see any effort he’s putting in to bring those dreams to fruition. If it’s the former, it might be time to talk about where you both want this relationship to go. If it’s the latter, that tips the scale further toward the “not worth it” side.

Another thing I’m wondering is if you’ve visited him. Seeing how a person lives tells you a lot about them and if they don’t want you in their space that says a lot too. I am worried he isn’t being entirely honest with you, but then I only know as much as you’ve told me. Still, are you welcome there, or does he make excuses?

I feel that most of the time our instincts tell us what we need to know, but often we don’t believe them. We don’t want to listen. Trust yourself, your feelings, and experiences. If it smells like a dead fish, it’s usually a dead fish.

Dear Miss U, I have been in an online relationship for 2 years. He started asking me for money right off and I did help him but now it is coming down to him coming to the US. There is a 7 month waiting period for immigration and that’s only if we do proxy marriage. Immigration told him if we paid $4,500 he could come in 3 months. We don’t have $4,500. He asks me a lot if my dad can help us. My dad says no way and gets angry with him and me for asking. Why does he keep thinking that it is okay to ask my dad and keep going there? My dad has never said yes. I can’t help him anymore either which maybe is why he thinks I will give in… [read more: Does he love you, or just your money?]
Dear Miss U, I have been dating this guy that lives in Canada for 2 years. He is not a citizen there but is working to become one. I live in the USA. When I met him he was working. He was on a workers permit. His permit had expired and now he had to work on becoming a citizen if he wanted to keep living in Canada. So because he wasn’t working, he had no money. For months, I have been sending him money. Trying to take care of myself and him. This has been very hard. I have been picking up days at work, going back and forth to one job and another that I got. It was so stressful for the both of us. We both went into depression. He wouldn’t talk to me sometimes… [read more: Something Fishy This Way Comes]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.