Dear Miss U,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little over six months, now. We’re both seniors in high school as of right now, and granted, even though we live in the same state, we don’t get to see each other very often, because of each our financial situations.
We’ve been talking a lot about different colleges and universities that we’re interested in going into after we graduate from high school. I have my heart set on a college in Missouri, which is south of where we live. Only three hours from where I live, but 5 from him. His parents aren’t letting him leave the metropolis area that he lives in.
So, what happened is that the other day, he threatened to break up with me unless I decided to go to a college closer to where he lives, that way we can still be together.
What do I do? I have my heart set on this college, but I want to be with him, still.
Thanks!
Ariel
Dear Ariel,
Your dreams should be his dreams. That’s how it is supposed to work. You support each other, lift each other up rather than tearing each other down. Your education and future career should be something he gets excited about too, because he wants to see you happy.
Generally ultimatums don’t give me much hope for relationships (though they are occasionally called for).
You’ve been with this guy six months. He’s not a big enough investment at this point to risk your future over. Give your heart to the college, and if he’s serious about you, he’ll make that work.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and knew each other for years before that. The toughest part is that we met online and have never met in person. He’s west coast I’m east coast USA. We always say we’ll love each other forever, but I’m wondering if there’s generally a time frame for meeting in person with relationships like this. He’s tried to come up the past few summers but it’s hard for him to save enough money and get the time away from work. As my family is religious and mostly disapproves it would be very difficult for me to go there. Are we destined to wait forever as well? I’d appreciate your advice.
Coast to coast
Dear Coast to coast,
You’re telling me that you’ve been adults in the same country for the entirety of your relationship and still have not managed to work together and make a visit happen? You do realise that it won’t just fall into place right? The universe is highly unlikely to throw you together in the same place at the same time just because you wish for it. You actually have to put the work in, both of you.
So my advice, coast, is to pull your finger out.
You are an adult, your family can disapprove all they like, it is your life that you’re wasting trying to please them. Tell them you’re staying in a hotel or something. Tell them you’re seeing a same-gender friend if you need to. Tell them it’s been four freaking years and he’s not a stranger, and that is plenty long enough to do the polite celibacy thing. Tell them whatever you feel you need to, or don’t tell them, and ask for forgiveness later. But whatever you do, live your life for you and not to appease other people.
Save up together, don’t make this all his burden or all yours – a visit is for both of you! – and then whoever can get the time off can do so. (The other person can still work while the visit happens, that’s normal and practical.) Look at what would be cheaper for your budget. If you’d need accommodation to go there, but he could stay with you or at a friend’s place near yours, then you’d go with the latter.
Lastly, there is a huge range of information available for getting the most out of a small income. Educate yourselves. Budget. Save. And then, if you actually want a future, make it happen.
Waiting forever sounds romantic, but it isn’t. Take charge of your love story.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve been having trouble with my own self and dealing with my boyfriend and I. We are totally in love and we cannot wait to meet for the first time in February!! I can’t wait. BUT the past couple days I’ve been wanting to tell him, “I wanna break up,” but I never ever want to. Not in a million years would I ever. Its killing me inside that I’ve felt this way. I need advice. Is it the distance toying with my emotions? My head just giving me thoughts? Both?! I’m not sure. Please help, I’m desperate, honestly. Thank you for your time and understanding. <3 Val
Hello Val,
I’m not sure I’m qualified to answer this one, but I didn’t want to ignore you either, so here goes.
I’m wondering if maybe you’re just scared because it’s too good. I know in my younger days that I was so used to fights and drama that when things went well I became uncomfortable. Vulnerable. So I would look for trouble. I would pick fights. Only when I realized what I was doing and why could I begin to notice the pattern in myself and begin to make it right. It took me a few years to realize that yes, this kind of love can exist and that no, it’s not all going to be ripped away in a heartbeat.
As awkward as it will be, maybe you need to turn to him now and discuss this urge and your fears. Maybe if you talk to him about feeling a little crazy you’ll find the support you need. And maybe, just maybe, he’ll be able to relate.
