Dear Miss U,
Me and my boyfriend Mamac knew each other in an online game and start dating since Nov 3, 2011. We’re pretty stable so far, no big arguments or any issues except for one thing. I have visited him 2 times in the Philippines in year 2012, quite welcomed by his family and friends but we have not made it open with my side of the family yet. My mom knows of his existence, but does not talk about it. I am not very close with my parents, I am worried it might strike up an argument between me and them.
I want them to know this man as I know him too instead of keeping it sneaky. We are both still schooling and I don’t think my mom is too approving of it, since she had not talked with my dad about it. I want to bring him home someday and share him as my partner with my family too as how he did it with his family. Can I do anything to help for now? Or should I just wait a little longer to see how things develop to work. I am still going to fly to him every semester break though. (We 50-50 on the plane tix each time) Is it a bad thing to do sneaking from Malaysia to Philippines without consent despite my age? I am kinda confused actually, dunno what I am trying to ask. But my final goal is to get this relationship to be an open one on both sides. Obviously can’t break it to my parents we knew while gaming, it’s totally absurd. Until now he keeps thinking he is exchange student while I am studying in Singapore. My dad would probably kill me if he knew I sneak out of the country a lot too.
Mamao
Dear Mamao,
Let me set your mind at ease over something; you’re not sneaking behind your parent’s backs, you’re an adult making her own choices to travel, fall in love and generally have an independent life. In short, you have not done anything wrong. Although if you’re living with your parents I imagine you had to spin some lies to cover your exit to the country. But, assuming you work and aren’t having your parents pay for trips they believe are something else, you’re in the clear.
On the bright side, your mum knows he exists. That’s a big step in the right direction. Is it possible that next time a visit is due he can fly to you and you can introduce him to your parents then? Or can you introduce them over Skype? Just Skype with him when you know your parents will be home (or if you live apart, when you know they’ll be due to visit any minute) and when they ask who you’re talking to just say “Mamac, here, come say hi to him”
Only you will know the best time to talk to them, but I can understand your desire to have it out in the open. Family is important, even when you’re not terribly close knit. When you do speak to them, keep in mind that you’re an adult, you don’t need to ask their permission and you have not done anything wrong. If you go into the conversation acting guilty, it leave you open for them to attack, but if you are strong and confident they are more likely to have faith in your judgement. Eventually you’ll just have to come out with it, there isn’t really a simple way to tell them with the guarantee they won’t take it badly but the longer you hide it, the more lies are going to pile up. Perhaps you can practice telling people by sharing the news with others who are less likely to have a negative reaction.
Do what you think is best, enjoy your love and if you can’t tell your parent’s that you are leaving the country – tell someone you can trust in your home country, for safety reasons. It’s always best if someone reliable who can contact your family knows where you are in case of emergency.
Dear Miss U,
Just a little background- my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a decade, yet the majority of the relationship has been long distance. After the first year, he moved away for college. Three years later, I followed him. We spent a blissful year and a half in the same city before he graduated and moved back home. I’m currently still away for college and will graduate in six months. In the past, we maintained open lines of communication- we would call, text, email, and web chat as much as we could. Gradually, our time for one another dwindled. About four months ago, I informed him that I was worried it meant we were no longer priorities for one another but he dismissed those concerns and would only tell me he was preoccupied with work-related issues. He started shutting me out emotionally until I gave him an ultimatum- try harder to make time for me or it’s over. Naturally, that failed and we’re currently on a “break”; supposedly to fix his inability to stick to a budget and give him time to “find” his old self. However, he’s been spending time with his high school friends (thus rendering our break for financial reasons pointless). We both wanted to keep open communications lines. This is ambiguous, apparently, because I want to get back to how we used to be, sharing snippets of our day via text, whereas he can go days without even contacting me- which I can’t do because his job is dangerous and I worry CONSTANTLY. Given our current situation, am I asking for too much?
Ms. Communication
Dear Ms. Communication,
Cutting the “expense” of having a girlfriend out of your life is no way to learn how to budget. That’s possibly the hardest-to-believe excuse I’ve ever heard. Learning how to budget is where you spend your money wisely and cut down on unnecessary luxuries – not cut down on people who care about you. I’d understand if he wanted to do less visits, because the expense does add up, but going on a break with you? No, sorry, I think something’s amiss. If he is having trouble with the financial burden of being with you, he can make gifts instead of buying them, visit less, change his calling plan, etc. Be wary of him going on a break for this reason, because it does sound a lot like an excuse.
As does going on a break to find himself – though that one is a lot more common. Sometimes in a long term relationship it can feel like you’ve lost yourself (Some jobs also give you that feeling) and it’s nice to take some time out, rediscover the things you like, catch up with friends you’ve fallen out of contact with and all of that, but I don’t see why it can’t be done within the relationship. Often I think that breaks are just a way to extract oneself from a relationship slowly.
With that said, yes, I think you’re asking too much. Even if you were in a relationship together, I think you’d be asking for too much if you wanted multiple texts per day on top of calls, emails and web-chatting. Texting throughout the day can be a serious drag, and can take away from what you should be doing. It’s only a few minutes here and there, but it’s an interruption when you should be focusing on other things, like work, study or the conversation you’re trying to have with someone else. I would advise letting the texts go and focusing on having quality calls or emails instead.
The other fact is, if you’re always contacting him that can get exasperating. Give him the chance to miss you. There’s no reason to check in with each other or give a play by play of your lives – even if his job is dangerous. I feel you would be best to calm down and find better ways to keep your fears in check.
Perhaps he’d feel less pressured and more involved in the conversations if you weren’t forcing it upon him. Endeavor to keep your conversations fun and rewarding for both of you, remembering you’re not just his girlfriend but also a friend.
From what you’ve written I gather his work is very stressful for him and that he has trouble managing the serious aspects of his life. I think you’re right about him no longer making you a priority, but that you can’t force him to want to. The time is coming where you will need to have a serious conversation together about this relationship – without letting the facts break your heart. Listen to each other. Find out what is working and what isn’t. Look for compromises and re-visit your plans for the future, perhaps there is a way together that you can find a healthy budget, get him into work he enjoys and develop as individuals too.
