Dear Miss U,
I have had a great couple years with my bf who lives roughly 8,000 miles away in New Zealand while I live in Michigan. His personality suits mine to a “T” and he has always been there for me but recently co-workers I have talked to have stirred my always growing worry of if I am letting this go too far when so many signs point to him being some random person. Those include him not showing his face on cam, sometimes giving me pictures of him when I have given my all (body and soul) into this relationship… We have talked about how he doesn’t seem to be putting in as much as me but I want to know what should I do? Should I end this relationship and wish him the best or is there things I’m missing?
Confused and in Crisis
Dear CaiC,
In two years you have never once seen his face on cam? This is a huge red flag. I wonder what his reasons are.
If you are still enjoying this relationship and it benefits you in some way, then by all means keep talking to him, but trust your instinct and be wary. Do pay strict attention to what information you give out, and never give out your credit card details or agree to send him money. Additionally, I never advocate meeting in person if you’ve not seen their face on webcam before – it’s a safety precaution.
If you’re not getting what you need from this relationship and talking through your problems with him has not spurred him on to greater efforts, then it may just be time to let this one go.
Dear Miss U,
I have quite the dilemma. The man I am with told me a month into our relationship that the last person he slept with was his “attractive best friend.” This friend was said to be a gay female. Later on he said she was a lesbian. Either way it matters not, because it boils down to the fact he slept with her….. Because they were single. Now, she is with a female partner, and they agreed the relationship was better as friends before I came along. However he still goes out with her and her friends, constantly. I talked to him about this and how it made me uncomfortable. I didn’t tell him not to be friends with her as I know that isn’t my place, but he still said I was jealous and controlling to feel uncomfortable with it. When I nearly called it quits after he said that, he told me he told her he can’t be friends with her right now, but the future is open. What does that mean? He is also still connected to her online. I am not sure if I should continue. He seems to be compromising, but still thinks I am overreacting. Truth is, I just don’t care to be involved with a man at this age that thinks it’s okay to be “best friends” with a woman he slept with, and somewhat turns the friendship “off” while he pursues me and leaves the future open for her. Does this make sense? What is the norm for female friendships in lDR’s that the man has slept with previously?
America for England
Dear America,
A gay female is a lesbian. It’s the same thing. Just like a capsicum and a bell pepper are the same thing. Oddly enough most lesbians only sleep with other women, being homosexual and all, so that makes his claims a little iffy indeed. Perhaps she hadn’t accepted her sexuality yet at the point in time where they had sex or perhaps he’s a liar. There’s one way to know – talk to her! There’s no reason you cannot also be friends with his friends and if you knew her you might just discover that there isn’t a reason for you to feel threatened by her presence in your partner’s life. If for some reason he’s uncomfortable with the idea of you befriending her, then perhaps there is cause for concern after all, but generally a man’s lesbian best friend is not a threat to your relationship.
It is curious that he thinks a friendship can be turned off like a tap however and I think it’s normal for you to be wary of that. My assessment of the situation would be that he’s told her he can’t hang out with her for the time being because of your discomfort, but that the halt in spending time together is temporary to give the two of you time to work this issue out. It certainly does not seem like he has any intent of cutting this woman out of his life.
I’m not convinced there is a “norm” for opposite gender/attracted gender friendships in LDRs, regardless of the sexual history of the people involved, but you’re not alone in feeling uncomfortable about it. I think you need to decide for yourself what is ok and what is not and go from there. It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing in their relationships, all that should concern you is what is going on in yours – only you know what is right for you. I personally request that Mr. E does not spend time alone at a private residence with anyone he has a sexual history with, whilst I am comfortable with him going out in public with them; but I have friends who live platonically with exes and their current partners don’t seem to mind. It’s an issue of trust, and he hasn’t earned yours yet.
