Dear Miss U,
I have no troubles with my LDR. I met him in an online chatroom 10 years ago, and our deep friendship has helped us weather the most stressful times in the LDR. When things get too intense and we start feeling lonely, we step back and find balance again. We could not imagine our lives without each other, and I am truly blessed to know him. My problem is with my friends. It began with questions, “why are you in a LDR” and then statements “that’s not healthy, don’t you feel lonely?” And “so when’s the last time you had sex?” and so on. I grew so tired of having to explain myself and my choices, and one of my friends said “so don’t. Just don’t tell them about it.” At the time I thought that was amazing and simple advice. I removed the “relationship” status entirely from my social networking profile, and I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. Now men think I’m single, they flirt with me but I just ignore them. I can’t win. I just want support from my friends, support that shows me that they truly care about my happiness. I don’t understand why LDRs are so taboo in the modern age. I suppose there is an increasing trend of non-monogamy among people my age, and people try to apply some sort of label to me without even getting to know me. I’m so tired of it, I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid that if I set my relationship status as visible again, it will seem like I’ve been lying or something, or it will incite jealousy. All I want is support and peace. What should I do?
Feeling Frustrated
Dear Feeling Frustrated,
I think what you need to do is find real friends; people who actually care about you and support you.
With that said, sometimes people ask questions not to hurt, but because they genuinely want to understand. It’s important that you figure out which of your friends are trying to understand and which of them are just happily trying to destroy your confidence. Then, as hard as it is, remove the people from your life who aren’t adding anything to it. If you can’t be honest with these people, chances are they are not your friends.
In my experience, LDRs are not taboo. Nor is the increasing trend of non-monogamy something that’s directly linked to LDRs. I’m not even sure it is an increasing trend; maybe people are being just as non-monogamous as they always have been but now they are actually being honest about it, not only with their partner but also with the world at large?
It can be hard to make new friends, and even harder to say goodbye to toxic ones, but I feel that is what you’re going to have to do to attain the peace and support you deserve.
Dear Miss U,
Ok so I have a bf but he lives in Virginia and I live next to him in North Carolina. Here’s the thing, he thinks he’s immature for the relationship and I really love him, he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. But he thinks he’s, like, not giving me the attention that I need, but I keep telling him that I’m ok with the end of the day phone calls and stuff. (We do this thing at the end of the day around 8pm we talk on the phone, and stuff) we both are busy most of the day and we are free around 8 or 9 so we talk on the phone, about weird and funny things. But he still thinks he isn’t talking to me like blocking me out when we aren’t talking. I just need help. Yesterday night he asked if we could be friends, and I really didn’t want to break up, so I asked for the rest of the week can he think about it (but still be together) and on Saturday or Friday he can tell me if he wants to be together still or not. I don’t even know if that was the right thing to do. Plz, help. Thanks 🙂
Emily
Dear Emily,
If he says he is too immature for the relationship, maybe he is? Maybe that is his way of saying “I’m not ready” or “I’m in too deep and it is freaking me out.”
The best you can do is tell him that you are happy with how things are, and ask him to be honest about whether or not he is happy too. Ask him if there’s anything you need to change to make him more comfortable (maybe he needs more contact and is projecting that onto you, or maybe he feels contact every day is too much but can’t think of a nice way of asking to call less).
I would ask him to clarify exactly what is running through his mind, because it seems ridiculous to me that he thinks he can decide for you that you’re unhappy with the level of attention you’re receiving and then act on that by reducing the relationship back to friendship status. Reassure him that if you were unhappy you would talk it out with him.
Beyond that, there’s no reason for him to lie to you. If he needs to just be friends for a while, as heartbreaking as it is, you need to be able to respect that.
