Dear Miss U,
My lovely boyfriend and I have been dating over two years. We have been long-distance since the early stages; he went to undergrad downstate, I was in the city. After dating a year and a half, I studied abroad in Spain for six months. It was hard, but we knew it would be over soon, which made things easier. After I moved back, we were still long distance, but this time only an hour apart.
I was accepted into a graduate program in the city, which was wonderful news for the two of us. Now, we would both be living in the same area- something that has never happened! The downside is he was just offered his dream job six hours away. We can’t win!
My concern is for our future. While I adore him and couldn’t imagine finding another person who I love this much, I cannot handle the long-distance anymore. I feel as though no matter what happens, we will constantly have to manage with being apart.
I’m concerned now because I realize my program will be taking up a considerable amount of my time (i.e. no trips down to see him every weekend).
Do I call it quits now while we’re still on good terms and love each other, with hopes of getting back together after I finish school? (Fingers crossed)
Or do I tell him to forgo his dream and stay with me? (Selfish & I don’t want him to resent me…)
Do I take the risk and continue with the relationship, even though I’m at my LDR-emotional breaking point? (I can’t handle this!)
~ Afraid of the Future
Dear Afraid,
You’re far enough along in this relationship that you need to talk to each other about making the relationship a priority rather than putting yourselves and your own personal advancements first, which would mean not accepting courses of study or jobs that would take you away from each other. I understand this is a dream job for him, so perhaps you could agree to do long distance one more time, perhaps for six months – you know you can do that – just so he could get the experience and have something in his field to write on his resume, and then after that, no more distance. Would that be a fair compromise?
It makes no sense to give up such a good thing if the only problem you have is the distance. Work together on this one.
Dear Miss U,
My Girlfriend said to me a few nights ago “I don’t want you talking to my family or friends”.
Where I replied “How come? Are you ashamed of me?” Her answer was “No, It’s just an inconvenience”
What does this mean? Does she have something to hide?
This all came about because one night last week she was going out to a Theater and said she would text at 8:00pm in the interval, She didn’t.
9:00, 10:00, 11:00 still nothing.. Obviously at this point i’m understandably getting super worried. So I texted her sister asking if everything was okay. The sister replied.
In the morning my girlfriend had a massive go an all hell broke loose.
Another incident like this last year there was some talking going around Facebook that she was getting bullied and she was upset. Again obviously I don’t go to her school and again I was concerned for her and upset myself (Like any boyfriend would.) So I asked her and she said “everything was fine”, but I could tell they wasn’t. A couple of days passed and I asked her again “Are you sure everything’s okay”. Nothing.
So I messaged her best friend “Hey is everything okay with **** I understand she has had some problems at school?” Again her friend replied and told me the truth.
I am really concerned why she does things like this, these are only two there are many more over our relationship. She is the worst for opening up to me and keeping in contact. She always makes me tell her little things that bother me, but she doesn’t do the same. What’s going on?
~ Lost in love
Dear Lost,
I can’t tell you why she is acting like this, but I suspect it has something to do with either not being ready for as serious relationship as you are, or she could just be a very private person and considers your concern to be intrusive. The only time I personally have ever wished a boyfriend would stop talking to my friends and family was in an instance where the guy treated them poorly and would say things about me and others that were not true. I assume this is not the case for you. Ask her what she meant and keep talking about it until you understand each others stance and can compromise.
