My boyfriend and I have been together for over 8 months (2 months of us being in a LDR) and I just recently got to see him and sleep at his parents’ house. I got to meet the whole family and his friends. It was an amazing trip. I miss him so much.
Lately, my boyfriend has been putting less effort into our relationship like he used too (I get the "romance phase" and I miss that stage, to be honest) before LDR and even after we had a routine of us giving each other call. I'll mention it to him but he says he'll "do better next time." I always have to call him. The only time he'll text me first is when he texts "Good morning." I have to initiate or he may not (I feel like he won't). He still tells me he loves me and still calls me his "amor" and "baby." His mom (who he is super close too) gives me advice about how her son is. I know we are such physical people but it should be deeper than that - we should learn how to communicate and work together. I know he is the one for me, we just need to learn how to communicate effectively.
Razia
Dear Razia,
You feel like he won’t but maybe he will. Maybe if you wait he will see that what you’ve been telling him is true, and that he needs to try. It’s hard but try not to call. Even if he misses a day. Be honest when he asks you why not – you want him to understand what it’s like to feel unwanted or forgotten. If telling him doesn’t work, and this means a lot to you, show him. It’s possible you just need to give him the opportunity to “do better next time.”
Beyond that ask yourself how much this matters. If he were to never change and you had to instigate every call forever, is that a price you’re willing to pay, or does it break the deal for you? Is he still worth it, or do you absolutely need someone who calls you first?
Would it work to have set days where it’s his or your job to call that day? If you took turns would he step up?
Think, too, about your in-person communication. If you’re working through your problems as a team in person and you’re not going to be long distance for years on end, this might not matter all that much.
Several months ago I met and started dating this amazing man. He listens to me. He checks on me. He remembers things. We share a lot of the most important values about family, money, and the like. However, he is very relaxed in our relationship. I am very anxious. He is very busy with his life right now, trying to secure a career and a future. He is also from another country but we met while he was in the US studying. I am settled into my career and ready to move into the next phase of life (ie. being married). He wants that but isn't ready because of changes in his career, etc.
While he was here we lived 1 hour apart and we would often go without talking or seeing each other as frequently as I would have liked. We talked about that and for the last month or two he was here, he initiated a conversation every day. We saw each other every weekend. He initiated plans (which he had previously been slacking off on doing).
Now, he is back in his home country where he is often without wifi and sometimes without electricity doing humanitarian work in the poorest part of his nation. I am so proud of him for this work, it is something that draws me to him. But, I feel like we have lost all connection. Currently, he has been without wifi for 9 days. This is the 4th or 5th time this has happened in the 2.5 months he has been home. When we don't talk I begin to feel like it is over, but as soon as he reaches out, everything feels fine again. I hate this rollercoaster! How do I stop this ride?
Newbie in New York
Dear Newbie,
It’s hard to give advice on this because it’s 100% mindset related. Some people have tons of mental discipline, and others don’t. To build up that discipline, you have to really want it, but because it’s boring and it’s literally all in your head it’s quite hard to accomplish.
I can’t just tell you to stop worrying about it, because brains don’t work like that, but beyond keeping yourself distracted and using affirmations every day there isn’t a whole lot you can do beyond teaching your brain not to torture you.
I imagine the postal service where he is will be poor or non-existent, but perhaps he could keep a diary of sorts and send it to you on the occasions he visits a town or whatever. You can keep one of these books too, and that way you might feel like you’ve told him about your day and he’s included in your life, even though it could be a month or more before he can receive it. Mr. E and I did exactly this when I was too poor to get an internet connection, and I found it helped a lot.
As soon as you can, take up yoga and meditation (it’s much easier to meditate after doing yoga, so I recommend both for beginners.) This will give you more control over your thoughts, so you can redirect your mind when it starts saying he’s forgotten you and it’s over.
Good luck,
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