Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend of 2 years and I started dating while we attended the same college. But around the 1yr mark my dad passed away and I had to move home 1.5hrs away because of money issues. We don’t have any trust issues, talk all the time, visit as much as we can (a few times a month), and we both know we want to get married once we’re both done with school. We love each other in a way I never thought possible, but he’s my first long-term relationship I’ve ever had. I’ve only dated two guys before him and both were only for a few months. I’m only 21, sometimes I feel like I missed out on just dating in general. We were just friends that became something much more. I’m worried that I’ll later regret not being able to have that time in my life to just be single and out there, not to find someone else, but just to have that experience. Should it matter though? I’m with the man I know was placed here to be my partner for life, so why does this bother me? And what should I do?
LA Lady
Dear LA Lady,
I discussed your letter with Mr. E because honestly; I did exactly the same thing you’re doing. And now I’m old and married, and I don’t really understand what “the dating experience” really entails.
Mr. E on the other hand “had a feeling” that I was going to be his “lifelong partner” before we committed to each other and he went out and “had some experiences” before he threw in his lot with me. Meanwhile I was so worried I’d miss my chance with him, I turned down every offer that came my way.
You however, are way past this point. You’ve been committed for more than two years. You missed the boat on this one. Mr. E pointed out something very shrewd on the matter: the dating experience is what people do so they can get themselves into the situation you’re in now. They date to look for a serious long-term partner who they can settle down with – that life companion who will be their best friend through it all. In one way, people who date for several years and have those experiences you might feel you are missing out on are failing in their quest where you succeeded hands down, without even trying.
Should it matter? Well… does it matter? If it matters to you, then yes, it should matter – and I’m guessing it does, because why else would you have written in?
I think firstly you need to deeply think about and itemize exactly what experiences you feel you are missing out on. Is it the thrill of the chase? The excitement and nervousness of being with someone new who you can explore? Is it the ego boot of being flirted with? Is it the sexual experiences? Or something completely different?
Once you figure out what exactly you feel you’re missing out on, you’ll have a better chance of finding an acceptable avenue to meet those needs within your relationship. The good news is, being in a relationship does not have to close that chapter of your life forever. With a lot of good communication and trust, your partner may either let you have those experiences (like going to a bar for a harmless ego-boosting flirt, knowing you’ll throw those phone numbers away and go home to him); will help you achieve something similar (It’s not completely unheard of for a couple to go out separately, role play as different people, and attempt to pick the other up) or may join you in your exploration by inviting others to share your sexual experiences. Finding a suitable person for a threesome, or a suitable couple for hands-off-sex-in-the-same-room-as-other-kinksters is quite a bit like dating. Opening up your relationship does not have to mean a threesome either. It’s perfectly normal to find a play buddy to just make out with, and then at the end of the evening you have wild sex with your partner.
When you talk to your partner, make sure you do so in a casual environment. Reassure him, pay attention to the language you use (I wrote an article on how to communicate effectively a while back; it may be relevant to you.) Tell him what you feel and why – and then lead him into a discussion about possible approaches to the problem. Realise that he might be feeling the same way, and might jump at the chance to have more experiences in a way that might be alarming for you, or he might swing the opposite direction and feel that he isn’t enough for you. Be prepared for the conversation, and make sure there’s enough time to discuss it uninterrupted.
My advice is, in summary:
- Accept that it’s perfectly normal to wonder, but that this isn’t worth risking your relationship over.
- Figure out exactly what you’re missing out on.
- Talk to your partner.
- Find a solution that satisfies you, but is not threatening to him.
- Don’t suggest “taking a break”
Being tied to another person means you have to approach things differently and be considerate – but it does not have to mean missing out entirely. For the record though, even if he says no to all your requests – if he’s the one it’s still worth it.
Dear Miss U,
I have been dating a real nice guy from Boston but I don’t know if I can trust him case and point last night I called him and he didn’t answer. So he calls me back an hour and tells me he was on the phone running his mouth. So I asked him did he have call waiting and he said yes. This is not the 1st time, this is not the 2nd time this is the 3rd he has done this and he feels there is nothing wrong with not clicking over. I don’t know to me I just feel as if he is talking to another woman and if he is just let me know so that I can go on with my life and just leave him alone. I’m confused what am I supposed to do when I call and he doesn’t answer cause he is on the other end?
Confused in NJ
Dear Confused,
Simply put: I think you’re paranoid.
I can think of half a dozen reasons off-hand why he might not pick up his call waiting if he’s in a call. I personally think call waiting is rude, and maybe he does too. Have you asked him, in a casual non-confronting kind of way, who he’s talking to? It could be anyone: a work mate, his son, his sister, a depression helpline. Anyone. There is no reason to outright assume he’s chatting up your potential replacement unless there are other things going on as well.
With that said, trust your intuition. Sometimes we know things without having a tangible way of having known them. If your gut instinct tells you he’s shifty, go with that – but if you’ve been cheated on a lot in the past and merely waiting and watching for it to happen again, it’s possible you’re seeing an insult that really isn’t there.
