Dear Miss U,
My SO is 500 miles away, and we’ve been running into a lot of stress. We were lucky enough to have 2 weeks to spend together and all he did was fight with me. To where he was going to leave 3 times. He had found an e-mail that my ex had written to me 2 months ago, wanting to make it work. I took it to my counselor to talk to her about it. To help her tell him not interested so he would understand. I forgot to throw it away, and he found it. He flipped out. Then a few days later… I am also an apartment manager and I have a couple of tenants who don’t like me because of issues concerning the apartments. When my SO was here, they went up to him, and said my ex comes around here every day. Which he doesn’t. I haven’t seen him, since that e-mail. But he believes them over me. All we did was fight. All we have ever done is argue over my ex.
Also my SO has an anger issue, which he knows, and he isn’t very good with communication. He is a lot all about himself. I really want to be with him, but am I just being a fool if this is all going to work. He interrupts all the time, and he is a very double standard person. It’s ok for him to talk about his past with his ex-wife, but I am not.
What do you think? I’ve had hours and days of conversations about all this. I don’t want to get hurt.
Thank You for your input,
Brenda
Dear Brenda,
I think you deserve respect and a relationship where you are an equal and I am concerned that you may not be able to have what you deserve with this man.
That aside, it’s obvious that there are fairly major trust issues present here. Two things repair trust – honest communication and time. I feel that had roles been reversed and you had been the one to find that email you would also be hurt, which is why in future I urge you to tell your significant other if your ex contacts you. After two years together I would expect you should feel comfortable with telling him you received the email and that you wanted to speak with your counselor about it and the he would be supportive rather than angry as there is no slight to him in your actions.
I notice you said you forgot to throw the email out – you didn’t say you forgot to tell him, so I’m going to assume you never had any intention of him knowing about it. If you deliberately didn’t tell him because you were afraid of his reaction that’s not a positive sign. You should never be afraid to talk to your partner for fear of an angry or violent reaction. Perpetuating a relationship that does not make you feel 100% emotionally safe and valued is not in your best interests.
At this stage, after constantly fighting about your ex for so long and the damage your tenants have done with their lies, I can’t see your SO ever fully believing you when you tell him nothing is going on with your ex, and possibly he is the type of person who enjoys the drama and outlet for anger too much to actually want to believe you.
Talk to him about the imbalances in your relationship. Tell him he interrupts you all the time (just in case he isn’t aware) and that it isn’t necessary. Take turns speaking. If he interrupts you, stop him and ask him to let you finish and of course, don’t interrupt him when his turn comes. Tell him you expect from him everything you bring to this relationship, ie: if he wants full disclosure from you about how when and where you speak to your ex, you expect the same from him. If he isn’t willing to listen to you talk about your past, you expect him to hold his tongue too. Don’t give in to those double standards. Point them out when they happen and make it known that they aren’t fair.
I would also suggest that you set some kind of reminder for yourself -perhaps in a private diary or on your phone – that will tell you when six months have passed. Write down how you feel in the relationship right now, and then in six months read over that and reassess your relationship. If things have not improved, he still doesn’t trust you, you don’t feel you can be 100% honest with him, you are afraid of him / his angry reactions, or he is still treating you unequally then you need to tell yourself that you gave this your best try and now it’s time to move on. Some people won’t meet you halfway in a relationship and others will if given the chance and some firm encouragement. Give him the chance to work with you on this relationship, but don’t stick around for years if you’re never going to be his equal.
What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
Dear Miss U,
My SO and I want to move in together but every time we make plans to do so, we end up having trouble with money because of unexpected expenses. This is really taking a toll on us and we are trying our hardest to make this work, what should we do to stay positive and what are some ideas to help us save the money needed in order to move in together?
Sam
Hola Sam,
If you have nothing stopping you from moving to be together except a lack of funds then I would suggest making that your primary financial target. When you save the money, consider it gone. It’s committed to something else, no longer exists and you can’t spend it. If at all possible I’d recommend having a separate bank account that this money goes into. Make sure you do not have a bank card for that account and no online access either. Make it impossible to touch that money unless you physically walk into the bank to get it, and then arrange a direct deposit from your pay into that account. Budget how much money you have left over after your living expenses and put at least half into savings immediately on the day you are paid; do not let it sit there in your account or you will fritter it away.
Living expenses include things like rent, utilities, and travel expenses to get to work. They don’t include luxury items like alcohol or getting your hair done. It is very easy to save money if you cut out all the tiny expenses you don’t realize are adding up: Your morning Starbucks, buying lunch at work, that beer at the pub on Friday night, magazines and newspapers, that smartphone app that’s “only” a dollar – all these things and many others chew your money without truly benefiting you.
You don’t have to deny yourself at every turn but do look for cheaper options. For some people taking their car off the road and relying on public transport is an option that saves a significant amount of money. Another large expense many people have that isn’t in fact a necessity is cable TV. Also buying store-brand groceries, hunting for reduced items and taking advantage of coupons can shave hundreds from your yearly grocery bill. Do what you can to reduce your energy bills as well. Every little bit helps.
For people in LDRs there’s another large and obvious expense: Visits. If you are on the home stretch and the only thing stopping you closing the distance is money then don’t waste that money on visits (or at least visit less). Put that money toward your future. Seeing the numbers in your accounts rise and your future getting closer should enable you to tough out those last few grueling months.
What I would have you both do is reassess your budget and spending styles. Pay your savings as though it is a bill. Keep aside some money for those unforeseen expenses that crop up – and keep it separate from your closing the distance funds. Communicate together about your money and be accountable to each other. Knowing you have to tell her you bought that video game with money that should have gone towards your future together is likely to help you tell yourself no. Working hard and working together for something is rewarding in itself and that should help inspire you both and keep you positive. Find a fun way to track that progress together, so you can both see that the effort is worth it.
Having fun will also make this less arduous – but it can be challenging to have fun when you’re trying to save money. Look for free ways to get a few good laughs together and original ways to express your love. Have you looked through the list of “things to do from a distance” recently?
Happiness is a state of mind.
