We've been dating since September. It's been going fantastically. We talk every day through IM, and we talk on the phone on my days off. We also make arrangements to see each other once a month.
How do you know when it's time to look at moving? I'm from the area he lives in. I don't want to be pushy, but I want to be with him.
Long Distance in Louisville
Dear LD Louisville,
When is such a subjective consideration, that’s something you need to ask him.
Personally, the older I get, the less time I have for bullshit. You’re mature. You know what you want. If you have the resources to make your dreams come true, what point is there in waiting?
Just say to him, “I want to know where you are emotionally in this relationship. I’m interested in moving to close the distance between us. How do you feel about that?” If he’s not ready to live together, there’s no reason you can’t rent in his town. That way you’re still closer, your relationship is still progressing, but if he’s a bit more conservative it won’t feel as scarily fast.
Let’s live our lives while we’re still here to enjoy them!
My job involves travel for around 15 days per month, and whenever it's time to go, things start panicking at home with my spouse and family. I want both my career and a happy married life. I try my best to accommodate things for him at home so that he stays comfortable and keep in regular touch on daily basis. I am highly satisfied with my career and travel and don't want to skip any part of it for my married life.
What should I do to maintain emotional stability in my relationship and minimize impact on my spouse?
My spouse starts showing irritation, starts avoiding and there is a distance that starts building before leaving and throughout my journey. There is untold pain and guilt every time I have to travel. It's been 2 years now and we still haven't been able to adjust this part and I feel it's further breaking our relationship.
Akansha
Dear Akansha,
On one hand, he knew what he was getting into before he married you. You didn’t marry him and then spring it on him like “by the way, my dream job means a lot of travel, bye!” (I assume, anyway.) On the other, I personally could not be abandoned 50% of the time, particularly now there are children on the scene, so I feel like maybe you’re asking too much from him.
I don’t know how old your kids are, or if they have school or daycare, but I do know if my husband was gone half of every month, leaving me with the kids and the house and my own career to drown in, I’d be downright resentful. That would destroy our marriage, no doubt about it. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t get married so I could feel lonely and stressed.
I guess the first question to ask yourself here is “what’s the pay-off for him?” What does he get out of you traveling every month? Where is the balance? If it’s just something he has to deal with if he loves you and wants to keep the family together, you need to reassess, because that’s not fair on him or your kid(s).
I’m not saying you should stop working. I’m all for women having satisfying careers. I have one myself. But for marriage to work there needs to be compromise. To raise our kids properly, so they are supported, nurtured and feel connected to us, that takes sacrifice. As hard as it is, sometimes something isn’t working in our marriages and we have to sit down, have hard conversations, and figure out what we can change to restore harmony.
That might mean working less, or missing travel opportunities at work. It might mean finding a way that the family can travel with you. (Which might mean retraining for him, and homeschooling for the kids.) It might mean out sourcing some services so he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning the whole time you’re gone. It might mean bringing a child with you on some work trips. (I know that last one isn’t easy, but it doesn’t hurt to talk to your boss about it. Mr. E and I have both had to have a kid or two with us at work before, and while it’s not ideal, it certainly helps with the home/life balance.)
It’s a really tough situation and I feel for you. I also want you to know that life goes in cycles. Some of those cycles are slower than others. Sometimes you’ll be able to work more, sometimes you’re needed at home and have to work less. How it is today isn’t necessarily how it will be next year, or even next week.
Stay flexible, listen to each other, and remember you’re a team. A family unit. You can get through this, particularly if you each love your spouse more than you love yourself.
As I tell my kids, you need to compromise. Compromise is where both people are a little unhappy, but they love each other enough to bear it.
In kindness,
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