Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I became exclusive recently, though we haven’t been dating others. When we Skype and visit, it’s wonderful. I was down there for a couple days; we were attached at the hip. Though he doesn’t have a lot of money, he spoiled me and was even hesitant to let me pay because I had spent a lot of money on the trip. His mom really liked me and during that trip, he was the first to say I love you. Day to day though I find myself having doubts how much he truly wants me. He has been a bad texter from the start and ever since mentioning it he has gotten a little better. He is really sweet with his texts, but there is a lack of them. I know he isn’t busy. I still feel really disconnected and I don’t want a repeat of my past relationship. He told me how much he wanted me in his life and how lucky he is to have a “catch” like me. He is coming down the end of the year for almost 2 weeks, though he has yet to book tickets. I am so worried about emotionally investing and get broken again. When he speaks to me (over video), I can feel how much he loves me, something that was missing when I saw my previous relationship crumbling. He was so gentle and sweet when I went to visit and didn’t pressure me into anything. I don’t want my doubts to destroy the relationship. How can I go about my day not worrying?
Relationship Doubts
Dear Doubts,
If the only thing concerning in your relationship is a lack of texts you need to realize how very lucky you are. Though it is becoming a big part of the way people interact, texting is honestly not that important. It’s not a big deal. At all. I think you need to ask yourself “why do I care so much about this?”
Texting won’t hold a relationship together. The number of texts does not determine your worth. Couples who text a lot don’t stay together longer than couples who communicate in other ways. Texting says nothing about you or about who he is or about what your relationship is going to be like. Remind yourself of this as frequently as necessary and look for other ways to have more contact if you’re not speaking enough.
You have control over your own brain. It’s yours! It’s you! When you catch yourself thinking ridiculous things like “He hasn’t texted today, he doesn’t love me,” stop and counter it with a positive thought. A memory of your time together or your last conversation, or a recollection of “oh that’s right he’s at work/ sleeping/ with his mum/ out having a life without his phone in his hand.”
Be a friend to yourself, not an antagonist.
Dear Miss U,
He asked if we are “together,” like my boyfriend. I said no until we meet. Is that ok?
We started this long distance relationship and I have huge fear this will fade away like the others relationships I had in my life. I don’t wanna be so fast to already be a couple so I wanna know if the answer I gave him about not defining our relationship until we meet in person is okay. Could you give me some advice what or what not to do?
Thanks
Chadia
Dear Chadia,
It’s more than ok, it’s great! I am so happy to hear you are clearly advocating for yourself and for what you need. Good on you. Take all the time you need, the right person will see you are worth their patience and respect.
As to what to do, continue on talking and flirting and building up your relationship through open communication and things will progress naturally. It’s ok to just have faith and see where things lead, especially in the beginning where you don’t have enough information to make binding decisions.
I feel I should tell you that I was once in your boyfriend’s position. Mr. E refused to consider us a couple until we met in person (which it took us more than four years to do!) and though that wasn’t easy for me to accept at the time it didn’t actually change anything. It was just a label. We were still best friends, we were still naughty over skype, we still supported, respected and uplifted each other; we still had fun and celebrated each other’s birthdays together. We still loved each other to unfathomable depths.
A label can’t change what something is, and a lack of one doesn’t mean your relationship won’t flourish.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I met when we were 14 in high school. We liked each other since the beginning but the timing wasn’t right till we were 16. We’ve been together since. When we graduated, I went to university a couple hours from home (I’m in Canada) and he went to Ireland for a 6-year direct entry medical program. We are in the second year now so have been doing long distance for about a year and a half. Last year I saw him for 3 weeks over the holidays, 2 weeks for his spring break in march and 4 months in the summer. However, after this December I’m not sure when he’ll be coming back. It could be 3 months or it could be 5. I find that he puts less effort into it now. He’s very busy with medical school and it’s harder this year than last, but I feel so distant only Skyping once or twice a week, and when he takes hours to reply to a text cause he’s studying I want to rip my hair out. His texts are still sweet and the Skypes are great, but I haven’t told him at all how I’m feeling. I feel scared that this is going to fail and confused about whether or not I want to continue. I’m in love with him and we’ve discussed a future together, but I almost feel like he’s so sure of our future that now he takes me for granted because he thinks I’ll be around forever. I’m not sure I’m going to be strong enough to keep this going and I am such a mess. Please help! This is keeping me up at night.
– Scared and Confused
Dear Scared,
This is the problem:
“but I haven’t told him at all how I’m feeling”
Address this and you’ll have a far better chance of making it through the distance. You are a team, yet you are letting your teammate take the ball and run blindly into the dark. Turn on a light for the man!
Tell him how you feel. Let him know he has slacked off and it’s taking a toll on the relationship. Work together to make it better. Don’t throw in the towel just because your boyfriend’s not psychic or you’re going to give up on a lot of good relationships in life.
He loves you, respects you and wants to see you happy, bring him into your confidence.
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