Safe Decisions

Hello Jessie,

Yes, I think it is safe to go see him alone, on the condition that people know where you are going. Make sure your family (or in the very least your next of kin) has a copy of your itinerary, his address and/or the address of the place you will be staying, as well as his phone number. It doesn't hurt for you to have the contact details of your nearest embassy on hand either, particularly if you are not fluent in his country's language. You can make your visit a little safer by Skyping with people who you will meet through him during your stay, such as his parents or housemates.

I hate to be a sour-suck but we never know for sure that someone isn't a rapist or murderer (In fact most rapes are committed by people the victim knows), seeing their face on camera is no guarantee of their character, but it is a positive step. It does tell you he's roughly the age he has claimed to be, the gender he has claimed to be, and that there's nothing major of that nature he's trying to hide.

I think a month is fine. You want to get your money's worth, flights are not cheap and you may not get the chance to travel again for a while. It's good to make the most of it. Additionally, it is nice to have longer visits because it gives you a better indication if you are compatible over a long period of time. It helps you know if you would be able to live with him in (Helps, but is of course inconclusive. Visits are not the same as actually living together day in and day out with everyday life stresses, but if you can't stand each other's company for a good stretch of time, that ought to tell you something.) Personally, the first time I met Mr. E I stayed for two months, no regrets. I don't think him wanting your company for longer is a cause for concern. On the contrary, I'd be worried if he was eager for you to leave.

With that said, are you just nervous or has he given you a reason to be afraid? If these are the only red flags you have noticed, then I believe you don't need to worry so much but trust your instincts, and if something seems off ask for more information from him or for advice from a friend, relative or myself.

I hope your first meeting is the stuff fairy tales are made of.

Dear Anon,

Is it ok to marry at 18 years old? Yes. It's ok. I wouldn't say it's a fantastic idea. I wouldn't say it was "good" to marry at 18 even. But it is ok. It's fine.
Is it ok to marry a 50-year-old man when you're 18 years old? Well no, my friend, I'm pretty sure it isn't. I would go as far as to strongly recommend re-thinking the marriage thing right now.

I know it's just a technicality, what is a month here or there, right? But this man is going to meet you as his girlfriend – his romantic partner – at a point in time when legally you're still a child. Some small part of you should be alarmed at this, and I'll tell you why.

Within all relationships, there is a balance of power. There are many different types of power, including but not limited to: social power, financial power and physical power (strength). In generationally different relationships the power structure is so far tipped in favor of the older person that there is no way to have any kind of equality. Simply put: he will always have power over you, and as my mother used to say "absolute power corrupts absolutely”. In other words, it is difficult to not become trapped in an abusive situation when you have very little power in the relationship. He knows more than you do and your naivety makes you vulnerable to him. He likely has a lot more money than you do, which gives him control over certain aspects of the relationship. You have already noticed that he is possessive and controlling; you can see this in the way he argues with you and instructs you not to talk to other boys. A man who is confident in himself and his worth - a man who knows he has what it takes to keep a lady – doesn't need to forbid her talking to other males. No man has the right to choose who you do and do not talk to. If he doesn't trust you, and you him, there isn't much hope for your relationship; and don't buy that old line "I trust you, I just don't trust them.” He doesn't have to trust those other boys because it takes two people to have an affair. If you can be trusted not to do it, then it doesn't matter if other guys are after more than friendship because what they want will not come to pass. They can't force you to cheat on your partner, and he should know that. Someone who tries to control who you are friends with is not worth your time.

There are two questions you need to ask yourself here: What does he see in you? And what is wrong with him/ why can't he find love amongst his peers?

Please try not to be defensive while you consider this. Understand I have nothing against your relationship, but I don't want you heading into a marriage blind and powerless. So, why does he want you? You may be answering "I am more mature than other girls my age” Well yes, that may be so. But you're not going to be as mature, worldly or experienced as a woman in his peer group. What do you offer him that in all his dating years he has not been able to find?

Secondly, if he is such a catch, why was he single? What is it about him that has driven other potential mates away? What is it women in his peer group see that makes them avoid him? I know these questions are harsh, but they need to be thought through because you are in a position of vulnerability. Like it or not you are an easy target for a predator, so you need to look for those signs and be able to rule out those possibilities.

With that said, from here on out I will assume that he is genuine and that aside from some jealousy issues and a massive age difference this is a healthy relationship. Marriage. Til death do you part, right? Except he's going to die a long time before you do. Unless some unfortunate accident befalls you, or you have a disease I'm not aware of, you're going to watch him die.

World Life Expectancy tells me the average life expectancy for a male in the USA is seventy five years; meaning he has roughly twenty five years left. Let's say you do marry at eighteen and you have a baby when you are twenty. Your eldest child will be in their early twenties when he dies. Your youngest may very well still be living at home. How fit and healthy is he? In ten years' time is he going to be fit enough to kick a football around with his child? Is he going to be able to help you raise these children or is he going to become a burden on you? He will be a senior before you're middle-aged, and when he dies, even if he lives to the ripe old age of ninety you're still going to be in your prime. That's a long time to out-live the love of your life. You will never grow old together, you will never see the joy of retiring together or watching over grandchildren as a couple. I'm not trying to be mean, but you need to ask yourself if those experiences are worth giving up.

Personally, I think if you are going to spend the rest of your lives together marriage can wait until you are ready because right now it is obvious you are not. You are having a lot of doubts and you haven't met in person yet. As always, exercise caution when meeting someone from the internet for the first time: always meet in a safe public place, make sure someone knows where you are and will check up on you and if possible take a friend or family member with you (The added bonus of this is they can capture this precious moment on film if you so wish.)