Dear Miss U,
My husband & I have spent 3 years in a LDR, having met online and never having lived together. We’ve had an endgame in place almost since the beginning that involved him moving to my country. Now that hope has been dashed as his application was rejected due to his criminal record, just a stupid mistake of his college days. While I am willing to move to his country instead there is an obstacle which is my child from a previous relationship. While I have full custody, the father has access rights and I can’t move my child out of the country without my ex agreeing which I don’t think he will go for. Now I’m feeling so hopeless that I don’t know what to do and it’s affecting my work and parenting. We are going to hire a lawyer to work on redoing my husband’s immigration and work on immigration for me and my child to move there, but with his application having already been rejected once and me having very little faith that I can get my ex to agree to me moving out of the country with our child, it’s hard to be my usual positive self. I’m not willing to give up on the relationship, but it’s hard not having that light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t talk to any of my family members for fear they will just tell me to get a divorce. Do you think I should just talk to my ex ASAP and try to get him to agree to our child making the move, or do you think I should talk to a lawyer or maybe even psychiatrist first? My only other option is to wait several years for my child to grow up.
Lost Our Endgame
Dear Endgame,
The path of least resistance seems to be talking to your child’s father. Understand before you go into that conversation though that depending on his involvement with your child you’re asking him to make a huge sacrifice, and you need to be prepared to offer really enticing compromises to have him meet you halfway on this.
The worst that can happen is he says no, but wouldn’t it be daft not to try on the assumption that he will say no? If there’s a chance he will say yes, even with some cost, then you ought to take that chance.
I feel for you and everything you are going through. Don’t give up yet, though it seems impossible this fight is far from over. Good luck.
Dear Miss U,
When I met my S.O., it was an immediate attraction for us both. We started dating right away and we started talking about marriage two months in. I had to leave for a study abroad post-grad exchange in Australia and we’ve been doing long distance for two months with two more to go. Recently, we’ve been fighting because he thinks I’m seeing other men, other men are messaging me, hiding things from him or that I’m lying to him about the aforementioned. No matter how many times I told him I will always be faithful, his fears come back up frequently and we fight. He gets panicky and paranoid, which makes things worse.
I’ve tried all different ways to quell his fears and I usually end in tears before he starts to calm down. He admits that he overthinks things and is depressed. He also uses me to lash out and doesn’t feel comfortable talking to our families or his friends. I cannot leave AUS to come home because I know I will not come back to finish my studies. I don’t know how to help him and cry myself to sleep most nights because I feel completely helpless. I don’t know what to do. Please help us.
Miles Away
Dear Miles,
Bluntly put; this is his problem not yours and you don’t deserve to be treated this way. I feel that his actions are bordering on abusive, and so early on in a relationship I can’t help but feel the best course would be to cut free of him now before this gets out of control. I know this is not at all what you want to hear, but love – even love at a distance – is not supposed to make you feel this way.
Before you throw the towel in completely, perhaps you would like to address this with him when he is in a stable mood and seems to be feeling secure. Try to help him understand how you feel, and that it’s downright insulting of him to accuse you of things when you’ve done nothing in the past to shake his trust. If you get through this without him losing his cool with you, suggest that he seeks professional help for dealing with his irrational fears and depression. It is not your job to fix him, or to cop abuse because he won’t seek help.
Remember to be your own best friend.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend/fiancé has been over 1300 miles away for about two months now.. But before anything is said about the 6 months or the ages of us two I fell in love with him when I was 9 years old and have waited for him since and we were best friends 2 years before we dated. But his family is having financial troubles so he won’t have phone or internet. Our communication will be impossible! We’ll have letters but I suffer from severe depression and being away from him even just on the phone for long times makes me feel helpless and scared. What do I do? How do I cope with long periods of no communication minus an occasional letter?
MagDahlia
Dear MagDahlia,
It might seem like these are modern problems for modern relationships, but far from it. I encourage you to look to the women of history for strength and inspiration. The famous poet Elizabeth Barret-Browning, for one example, suffered a debilitating illness and upheld a long term long distance relationship with only letters with which to sustain herself. Know that you are not alone, and that it can be done even if it seems impossible.
I too have done it. There was a time where my family was too poor for internet or phone, I had no access through schools or libraries and my partner and I would write to each other to keep the love alive. Sometimes we could convince a friend to pass a message, but for the most part, we just had to hold onto the knowledge that we were loved and push through it as best we could. In the darkness of my soul I could feel that connection to him, even though we couldn’t speak or touch or smell. Look within yourself, you will find that place too.
On another note, your depression is something you need to address for yourself. I have suffered long and hard with mental illness in my past and the best advice I can give you is to never put your happiness and health into the hands of another person. You must hold the reigns of your life. You are in control. If you can’t find happiness within yourself, you will never find it without. So take this time without the distraction of constant relationship communication and work on making yourself better. Seek out healthcare professionals, self-help books and just general information on your illness. Knowledge is power. When you understand how and why this happens to you it has less power over you. You can’t cure it, but you can certainly discover the tools within yourself to cope. To be self-sufficient. To know your needs, your triggers and be whole in yourself. Take this time to become the best version of yourself that you can be. Learn how strong you really are and in turn that will strengthen your relationship.
