Dear Miss U,
I have been dating the love of my life for a year now. And we meet on Facebook. First we started to write as friends on 8.8.2013 then we just wrote on and something just clicked. But because he lives in Slovenia and I live in Germany we still haven’t seen each other till December came and I went to Slovenia where I have my relatives and some family. My cousin was getting married in Slovenia and he is friends with my boyfriend. And then came the moment when we saw each other. We were dancing smiling it was the best way to end a year. Then I had to go back in Germany and leave him. Then he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Everything was just great we talked through Skype and I even think he is the one. He is 22 years and now I’m 19. But since summer started the only thing that was in my head was going back to Slovenia to see him. But then the sad news hit. His mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. And she isn’t going to be well. He has gotten so sad and depressed he is only crying and being there for his mother. My parents also found out that I’m dating this guy and they weren’t even a little bit happy about it. I don’t know why. I cried over a week about it. They don’t want me to be with him. Now here I am. I’m still talking to him asking about his mother. But I can see that he is crushed even more when I told him that my parents don’t like me to see him. I love him so much and I don’t know what to do because I obviously miss him so much. Please advise me smth.
– Bella B
Dear Bella,
I won’t sugar-coat this for you. Supporting someone as they watch a parent die is hard. Sometimes it destroys relationships; for three reasons. Firstly, the person who’s grieving (grief isn’t confined to after a loved one passes away) tends to not uphold their end of the relationship because they don’t have the time, energy or emotional reserves. By the end of a prolonged period of doing all the work with no reward and little support for their own needs resentment has often built up for the support person. Secondly, really traumatic events change people. Sometimes those changes are positive, resulting in greater ambition and zest for life in the person who has come through it. Often these people can take a bad experience to a good place in their hearts; they become more grateful for what they have and realize that life is too short for hatred, working miserable jobs and not telling people that you care about them. Unfortunately the change can also go the other way, resulting in long term bitterness and depression. Whichever the case, some people are changed so drastically by these experiences that they turn their backs on the person who stood by them because they don’t feel like they are the same person anymore. Lastly, oftentimes it is the people closest to us that suffer the most when we are not at our best. As a supporting partner, you might find that your SO takes things out on you or expects you to put up with more than any reasonable people should have to. It’s likely that for many months he is going to continue to cry and dedicate whatever time he can to his mother. Seeing him through this will take some self-sacrifice on your part. The best advice I have for you is somewhat uninspired, but: Start saving for a flight. Because when she does die, he’s going to need you there by his side. If at all possible, don’t make him face his mother’s funeral alone.
As to your family, I think it would help to know why they don’t approve of this relationship. I understand how important it is to have your family accept and support the love of your life, but the only way to get there is to open dialog. Most of the time parents just want to see their children happy and thriving. They want what is best for their children; show them that he is what is best for you, even though right now your relationship isn’t truly balanced.
You are an adult and chances are that given enough time and the chance to meet him your parents would come round.
Sadly, sometimes all you can do is face each day as it comes at you, do your best with it and let it go in the evening with the satisfaction that you made it through. There isn’t a no-fail coping technique to deal with loneliness or to convince skeptical parents, people are too individualized. I would recommend reading a book or two on how to support a partner though loss, and taking time each day to care for yourself as well.
Confide in a good friend, and have faith in your ability to see this through. You are stronger than you think.
Dear Miss U,
During the last school year I have been an exchange student in the USA. At the end of my time there I fell in love with one of my best guy friends and “hugging buddy.”
We’re not in a relationship, but we act like it and say we’re in love with each other. We are both too scared of having to break up in case we can’t take the distance. He showed his feelings in front of our friends and his family, was always there for me and we snuck out together. He’s been my biggest supporter most of the year and he even “cried like a baby” after I had to leave.
Everything was going good, we texted a lot and Skyped at least once a week. But now it’s been almost a month since we Skyped and we hardly text. Mostly due to the 8 hour time difference and the fact that we’re working/have school. But we set up a date night… and it didn’t work once because he had stuff he had to take care of. I’m always the one trying to set up a call, but he’s always just too busy or tired. I know he has a lot on his plate, but not that much. Sometimes I feel like his feelings have changed and I asked him about that a few days ago, but he said they were still the same.
He used to be a player when it comes to girls and my host brother doesn’t trust him at all. He promised to wait till I come back though…
I’m torn between giving him the benefit of the doubt or giving up. How can I get him to finally Skype with me, and not just text “I love u?” Should I trust him?
Thank you for reading!
Unicorn
Dear Unicorn,
Relationships don’t survive without trust, so if you want this to go somewhere you really don’t have a choice. You have to trust him. Give him the benefit of the doubt until he actually does something wrong, we all deserve that much of a chance.
Eight hours isn’t fun, I know, but he has to make time for you or the relationship will eventually fall apart. Texting a couple of times a week isn’t a relationship. That’s not what you signed up for, so tell him that.
I also encourage you to use non real-time methods of communication, such as email. You can write a lot in an email, you can bear your soul with your words and your partner doesn’t need to be awake or home for that contact to happen. In relationships with large time differences a good portion of the communication is going to be the kind that isn’t face to face. Skype enables the recording of offline video messages now though, so there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to hear each other’s voices a few times a week.
In short, tell him to step it up or you’re stepping out.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months. Before that, we were sex buddies for 4 months. We didn’t realize that we fell for each other until the end of school year, when he was about to graduate. We still decided to be a couple for a month, before he went back to his hometown in VA, I went back to my hometown in Vietnam (which is an ocean apart from him). For the first 2 months of being apart from each other, our relationship went well. We talked twice everyday on Skype. Otherwise, we would text. Until last Friday, he told me that I should not buy the ticket to fly to his place over winter break. The reason was because he didn’t think we could have a long term relationship. But I couldn’t believe it was the reason, so I convinced him of telling me the truth, that if he cheated on me, I would forgive him. He finally confessed that he cheated on me with his long time sex partner at home for several times. And he wanted us to break up. He also said that he would not date his sex partner, since they would never be able to be together (he’s moving to DC for work, she is going to China). I was trying my best to save this relationship, telling him how much I loved him, that I forgave him for what he did. Since he’s working in DC, and I’m going to school in WI, we made a promise before that I would fly to his place whenever I was on my break. Now we are taking a break. I give him space so that he can think about this. I really love him and want him back. What should I do?
Thuy Le
Dear Thuy Le,
You deserve better than this. Count your blessings that you didn’t waste more time on him and let him go. If he can’t keep it in his pants for just two months, I can’t fathom you ever having a committed monogamous relationship, honestly.
I am not one of those people that believe that cheating is necessarily the end of a relationship, but in this instance it is clear he does not value you or a relationship with you at all.
Your heart will heal in time and then you’ll get together with someone worthy of your devotion who actually respects you and you’ll wonder what you ever saw in this guy.
