She Doesn’t Miss “It”

Dear Boas,

Even if it was just about sex, that would be more than okay. Sex is a big deal. Desire is a deep-seated instinctive urge that the majority of humans deal with. For some of us it’s stronger or weaker. Some things turn it off or turn it on. But it’s there. It’s the reason our species survives.

And it should 110% be something you talk about with your partner.

Think about it. Most humans enter monogamous relationships. We’re expected to stay faithful to one person for the duration of our adult life. If you’re going to choose one ice cream flavor for the rest of forever, it better be one that ticks all the boxes. It needs to satisfy you on all levels. Except women aren’t ice cream, because ice cream doesn’t have feelings. So that satisfaction needs to go both ways.

It makes sense then, if you’re with your one special person forever, for sex to be one of the few things that doesn’t get compromised on. If your girl doesn’t like action movies, you can see them with a mate. Doesn’t golf? You can go with your dad. Isn’t interested in the same sex you’re interested in? There’s no one else who can fill that void for you.

So, what’s the sex like when you are in person? The end goal of a long distance relationship is to not be long distance in the end, so that’s where we need to focus most. Is she into it when you’re close proximity and just doesn’t feel comfortable with cyber-sex? Does she have a lower libido than you in general? What are we working with here?

Feel free to write to me again, being a bit more specific.

Mr. E has a joke that he almost certainly got from a stand-up comedian. He says to me, "Which one of us is going to lie?" His original source claimed that women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved – so to instigate, someone has to lie. I’m way against stereotyping and gender-binary, I think that’s a bit 1990s, but they have their uses. Is it possible she’s not getting something she needs from you, so that she can feel interested in getting sexual?

There are a lot of things that kill libido. Stress, fatigue, babies and small children, the list is long. On that list somewhere is frequency. For example, in an ideal world I would have sex every single day. I am most aroused after sex, while I still remember why I like doing it. Mr. E is not like this. Sex for him is very satisfying and he wants a few days to recover. By the time he’s ready to go again, my coals are cold. The fire’s out and it takes a lot to restart it. I’m tired, and I’m busy, and I can think of fifty other better uses of my time than having sex.

So sometimes Mr. E "lies" and convinces me I’m loved and attractive and amazing and all the things I’m not, and we have sex.

Other times? I lie. I instigate sex that I don’t particularly want, and he feels loved. There is a lot of compromise involved in marriage.

Sometimes we both want the same things, and that’s awesome. But I’m not going to pretend like it’s the norm for us, or any of the couples I’ve met. I can also tell you that libidos change throughout a person’s life. There have been years where I’ve chased him, and years where he’s chased me. I used to feel so insulted by the rejections, thinking it was me he didn’t want, when it was just he didn’t need as much sex as I did. Now, I feel terrible because I’m the one saying no, more often than not. And I’m not saying no to him, I’m saying no to sex. (Or yes to sleep, kind of goes both ways there!)

The point of this is: no one can tell you what she needs other than her. And yes, it is going to hurt. She’s going to feel sad because you’re disappointed, and you’re going to feel sad for making her feel sad. But unless you address the issue, your relationship is likely to wither and die, so what choice is there, really?

I imagine you’re well acquainted with masturbation, but just in case you’re not... start masturbating. Sometimes she might help, sometimes you might just be taking care of yourself. Either way is fine, normal, and healthy.

Now, you said what is missing is you don’t want to just share information. You want confirmation of how she feels. Let’s look at how else you can meet that need, outside of sex. Can you do other bonding activities together? Do you have a shared hobby? Do you ever just have fun, without having a conversation? Because maybe these are the things she’s missing too. There are lots of things you can do together long-distance that aren’t just having the same old conversation. Do you take each other on dates? Dress up nice, pop some popcorn, dim the lights, watch a movie together... touch yourselves and talk about how it feels and what you’d do next if you were there? Do you roll play? That can be a great way to remove the ‘barrier’ of distance between you.

Another thing I know for sure is “sex starts in the kitchen.” I can’t remember where that quote came from, but it’s a handy way to remember that you can’t just show up in bed and expect sex to happen. Most of the time you need to build it up. Work for it. There are two ways to take it:

1. Clean something. Cook something. Do your share. This is hard in long distance, but know that if one person is doing all the work, carrying all the weight of the relationship, they aren’t going to be interested in giving more of themselves in the way of sex. If you want your partner to have energy left over... start in the kitchen.
2. Don’t just tell her she’s sexy, funny, and beautiful when you’re horny. Don’t get handsy and cuddly only when the clothes come off. Start in the kitchen. Notice her hard work. Thank her. Compliment her, even though her face is sweaty from the oven’s steam (or has a grease smear from doing an oil change on her car. ‘Kitchen’ doesn’t have to be literal.) Lay your groundwork early. Make her feel desirable (in her mind and personality as well as her body), and she will be more likely to reciprocate. If you come at her when her mind has been somewhere else all day, you aren’t going to have as much luck.

She’s trying, even if it’s only in small amounts, and that’s a good sign. I hope you are trying too. Keep working on this together, and looking for solutions. Talk to her about your need to feel connected and loved, if you haven’t already. Keep those lines of communication open.

And in the end, if you’ve tried everything, it’s okay to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t meet your sexual needs. Be kind and respectful, but if you have to move on, forgive yourself. Life is too short to have bad sex, or not be having sex, as the case may be.