She misses him, so she's obviously cheating. - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I were so in love. I sabotaged our relationship with my insecurities so the last four months were hard. He warned me that if I did this again with my insecurities he would break up with me and that day came. I recently have been seeing a counselor and have been getting the help I need so I’ve been trying to convince my ex that I have changed as a person.

We spoke last night and he seemed pretty done with me. But my gut is telling me he’s not. The time before that, we spoke and he bawled his eyes out. I know deep down he doesn’t want us over, but he scared to get back together with me. How do I make this work? How can I fix my mistakes? I want him to see that I am ok and we can make this work. He still has his Facebook status as "in a relationship" and pictures of us. He also has all my things that he claims to have packed. I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to give up hope. He also may be losing his job to cutbacks due to COVID-19. He is also in self-quarantine and drinking a lot by the sounds of it.

Please help me.

Want my ex back

Hi there Want My Ex Back,

As with a breach of trust, the only way he can know you have actually changed is if you prove it, and that will take time. You can say you’ve changed until you are blue in the face but until he sees you consistently acting different he’s not going to believe you. The good news is you have time to do this because you are both still in contact. Work on your friendship. Be there for each other. Talk to him about your therapy and the things you learn, but do so without pressuring him to get back with you. Remember that when we improve ourselves we do it for ourselves, not for other people. Not to win other people, but so we can be free of the demons holding us back.

Keep showing up for him. Be the friend he needs right now, because all good relationships are built on a foundation of friendship. When and if he wants to try again with this relationship, he will let you know.

Dear Miss U,

So I usually visit my wife 2-3 times a year. For legal immigration reasons, she is not with me at the moment. In less than a month of seeing her, she had an episode where she wouldn’t talk to me then abruptly gave me an ultimatum. Saying that if I couldn’t move to be with her, it was going to end. Mind you, this was a month after seeing and being with her. My question is: is this normal or is something going on that she hasn’t told me? My suspicion is that she’s been seen someone else and maybe it’s getting out of hand. Am I crazy for thinking that? She’s asking me to leave a good job and she knows it may stunt my career. But she says she needs me with her.

Your thoughts?
Troubled in California

Dear Troubled,

My thoughts are that she deserves better than you, if we’re being honest. She deserves someone who values her above money. Above his career. The only thing your wife should ever be second to is your children. Damn right she’s giving you an ultimatum after three years of long-distance marriage, only seeing you two or three times a year! And then when she gets so desperate to be with you to give you one last chance, you think she’s cheating? How dare you lump this back on her? She has given you years to develop your career and enjoy your good job, now it’s time to man up and be a real husband.

You loved her enough to marry her. Now care about her enough to give her an actual marriage.

Dear Miss U, … Last week, he came here to visit and we took a trip to Amsterdam. The whole time he felt so distant from me and I felt like the romance was lacking. The sex part was fine and we got along like friends but we wouldn’t snuggle or hold hands or kiss and it made me upset. Normally, he is so complimentary and not afraid to be emotional and share how much he loves me but he was not like this at all so I started panicking. I saw him a month previously and he was not like this, so his change in behavior was concerning. [read more: Would he tell you if he cheated?]
Dear Miss U, My girlfriend keeps on telling me how much she misses me. I, of course, feel the same and reciprocate these messages. But lately, my girlfriend has been saying that how much she misses me and the fact that we can not see each other every day is really getting to her and that she doesn’t want to break up but thinks we should. What do I do? Please help!! [read more: Breaking Up Is Stupid]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.