Something Fishy

Dear Miss U,

Trina C

Dear Trina,

I can’t honestly say if your relationship will work out in the end because there are simply too many factors involved, most of which I don’t know. But I can tell you that a respectable amount of long distance relationships do survive to become conventional near-proximity romances. I can’t see a reason why your relationship would be less likely to succeed. Age is a factor, true. It can work against you and be very limiting due to lack of funds, lack of general life skills/knowledge and control from parents or guardians – but on the other hand, being young can be a real blessing that you should embrace. Starting young, your future isn’t yet planned out, so you can make long-term choices that benefit both of you. You’re not pinned down by children, a mortgage or a newly started and vulnerable career. You’re more free to travel, and if you do make a mistake, you have the time to make up for it without it being a big deal. That is a very good thing! Don’t treat your age like it’s a handicap, because that only encourages others who already do so. In five years neither of you will be the same people you are now which that can break a relationship; but it also has the advantage of allowing you to grow together which could bind you closer.

I can also tell you that there is a lot more to a successful relationship than love. I can tell you that it can be very difficult to tell the difference within yourself between love and infatuation. And I can tell you that you will both need reasons besides love to fuel this relationship. There will likely be times where you wished you didn’t love one another so fiercely, times when you wished it was easier or that you could let each other go and move on. But if you are prepared for it, if there is more to your bond than just love, if you are compatible, if you have exceptional communication and if everything else in the world feels less important than being by each other’s side, you will indeed make it in the end.
There’s always hope.

Dear Miss U,

Lya92

Dear Lya,

I would be lying if I were to write that your letter didn’t set off massive alarm bells in my head. There is something very not right here, to the point where I needed to ask myself if I thought this letter could possibly be fake. In a way, I wish it were.

I will be upfront with you; it sounds like your family could be right about him. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it really is possible to stand so close to one tree that you can’t see any of the rest of the forest. It is possible, especially when we’re wearing our rose-colored-glasses-of-new-love, that the people around us are seeing far more clearly than we are ourselves. I would encourage you to hear them out, ask for their reasons and for examples from what they see, so that you can better access for yourself if this relationship is truly good for you. Truthfully, you have nothing to lose from an exercise like this, but much to gain. It never hurts to see a situation from the perspective of another, it only deepens our characters. Likely, you will still not agree with them, but you’ll have a greater understanding of their fears and will better know what sort of things to look out for so that you can recognize abuse if it is ever present.

The fact that he’s already sending you money when this is such a new relationship makes me urge caution, because money is a common tool used by people to control each other. That his family and friends do not know about you, and yet he wants you to show up amongst them (unless he’d find a way to hide your visit as well) is another cause for worry. There is no reason for him to hide this relationship, he is an adult. That at some point this young man you’ve never met has upset you so badly you thought life was not worth living, even for a moment, is alarming.

And yes, it is strange that you never video chat. I understand that video chatting can be very unsettling for some people. Many of us do not enjoy being in front of a camera, however, it is the closest people in long distance relationships can get to being together and this fact usually over-rides any hesitations. It is also a matter of safety. I have urged many people in past letters no to meet anyone from online that they had not seen over webcam, and you are not going to be an exception to this. While seeing his face will not guarantee your safety, it aids it. You can, at the very least, access if he’s told you the truth about basic things like his age, gender and other physical attributes. You also get a little snapshot of how he lives, and the people that surround him day to day. This information is invaluable – especially when you consider the risks of traveling alone to a foreign country to meet him. I’m not at all against meeting people from the internet (obviously) and I don’t think it is a man’s responsibility to travel as some others would protest – but you must recognize the danger of being a young female in a strange place with nowhere to run, and little ability to physically protect herself.

I’m concerned about your worry that he may not wait for you any longer. You have not even been together a full year. That is not a long time for a relationship to develop, and certainly not a long time for him to wait to meet you, especially taking into account that your distance is an international one. You have not said if he is pressuring you on this subject or if this is an insecurity based solely in your own mind – but if it’s the former, then one really can’t help but question his haste. Regardless of this, internationally long distance relationships take a lot of patience. If he is unable to handle waiting so long to meet you, perhaps this isn’t the type of relationship he should be in. Perhaps he does not have the patience required to see it succeed.

With all that said, you are an adult. Your family can not stop you from making this trip if you decide to do it, no matter how angry it may make them. It is possible that one of them may even be convinced to accompany you, which would increase your safety. Before you make any further decisions though, perhaps you may consider showing these letters to your therapist to get a second opinion.