Miss You Issues: Something Fishy This Way Comes - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I have been dating this guy that lives in Canada for 2 years. He is not a citizen there but is working to become one. I live in the USA. When I met him he was working. He was on a workers permit. His permit had expired and now he had to work on becoming a citizen if he wanted to keep living in Canada. So because he wasn’t working, he had no money. For months, I have been sending him money. Trying to take care of myself and him. This has been very hard. I have been picking up days at work, going back and forth to one job and another that I got. It was so stressful for the both of us. We both went into depression. He wouldn’t talk to me sometimes. I would overreact and jump to conclusions and accuse him of not wanting to talk to me, cheating, and more. I didn’t know what was going on and I felt confused. He sometimes did the same with me. I, on the other hand, had my own issues going on. It possibly made things worse in the relationship. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was overweight, stressed from my job, trying to go back to school but I couldn’t focus. I also wasn’t honest with him at times. He wasn’t either. He promised me so many times that he would do things but because he was depressed he didn’t do it. This relationship has been hard on the both of us. We’re apart, both depressed, he is depending on me for money, and I’m working my butt off sometimes every day trying to take care the both of us. I wish he would hurry up and become a citizen and we could be together.

Is this worth it?
– Confused

Dear Confused,

As soon as someone tells me they are sending large amounts of money to someone they met online alarm bells start shrieking in my head. I am sure there are some good, genuine, people out there who need a little hand up from time to time, but in the majority of cases some poor soul is just getting screwed over, and I fear that this might be you.

Canada has a lot of visa and work permit options. It feels very unlikely to me that his situation would require him to attain citizenship to work – the most he should need is Permanent Residency. I don’t know his full story or where he’s from (that affects your visa options) but if you haven’t already, familiarize yourself with Immigration Canada’s website and make sure his story lines up.

No, this is not worth it. Moreover, it’s not sustainable. You physically cannot keep this up indefinitely. If you’re too kind to just cut him off, give him a one-month warning, and then when those thirty days are up, stop sending money. As much as you love him, he’s a grown man who needs to face the repercussions of his own actions. If his time in Canada is truly up, he needs to find another option for closing the distance – one that doesn’t destroy your mental health, financial stability and plans for the future.

Protect yourself first. If something seems fishy, it probably is.

Dear Miss U,

I meet this guy in Thailand traveling and we fell in love. We traveled together for nearly 2 months then I needed to be back home. We kept texting and I went to see him after 3 months. I stayed with him and his family for one month, then I when back to Sydney (where I live) and after another 3 months I went back to Germany and stayed with his family again for one month

He is planning to come and live with me here in Sydney. He hasn’t come here yet for work and money reasons. He will come in 3 months.

I’m tired of waiting for someone, the schedules are different I do not know what I want. Would you consider is time to move on?
Anna

Dear Anna,

I can’t see a reason here to end the relationship, personally, but if you want out you don’t need anyone’s permission to break up. If you are unhappy and you can’t see yourself putting in a couple of years of effort to close the distance internationally, then it’s better not to string him along. International long distance is not easy and it’s not resolved quickly. If he’s not the number one most amazing boyfriend in the world, maybe it isn’t worth it. But if he sets your soul on fire then don’t let something as fixable as the distance destroy your love story.

I can’t tell you what you want. But I can tell you to sit down and meditate on your future. What do you see? Is he there? What are you doing? Are you traveling the world, settling down, studying – what? Figure out who you are and what you need, and then his position in your life might become clearer but don’t throw a good relationship away through impatience or laziness.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.