Miss You Issues: Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I’ve been really thoughtful about the future of my boyfriend and I, I’m really looking forward to having a future with him, but it might be too soon to start thinking about that. He just started college in Guatemala, the country where he’s from, and I just finished high school not too long ago. I don’t think he has any ideas of leaving Guatemala and I’m not really sure if I want to go live there again since everything is different here in the USA. I really don’t know what to think, should I leave the US, or should I convince him to come here, I just want to be with him in the future. Any suggestions?

Thanks for reading, I beg your pardon if my English it’s not good enough, I’m still learning it.

Daniel

Dear Daniel,

Thank you for writing to me in English, as it’s the only language I speak. I think you’re awesome for knowing more than one even passably well!

Traditionally where I’m from Daniel is a guy’s name, so I’m running on the assumption you’re in a homosexual relationship. Generally, I’m of the belief gender has no bearing on a relationship, but in your case, I’m going to encourage you to talk to your partner about living in a place where you are most likely to be treated equally; somewhere you and your children will not encounter too much hate.

In my ideal world, you could live wherever you liked and people would still treat you as wonderful and equal no matter your race or sexuality, religions or fandoms, but that’s not the case with this world so my advice is to surround yourself with a community that will welcome you. Some cities, states and even countries are safer and more accepting than others. I would look into the laws and statistics of potential places you both might like to settle, as well as the standard of living, job and study opportunities, ability to travel and see family/friends etc. Choose to live somewhere that is best for your couple, somewhere the family that you make will have a bright future.

Where to live is a hard decision all international couples face, but with patience, kindness and long conversations you can find a solution together. Remember too that you are not trees; if you move somewhere and you don’t like it, you can move again later.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I are a pair like no other. We have so much in common, it’s unreal! I’m gay, he’s gay (obviously). I’m androgynous, he’s a transman. We have a lot of the same interests, and our love is really strong. We were best friends before we started dating, and it got to the point where us being boyfriends felt natural. And, while I have no doubts that anything is gonna come between us, I kind of worry that one day the spark is gonna wear off. What do I do to keep things fresh and exciting for us? How do I keep the spark? Mind you, we talk on the phone and Skype faithfully and have made serious plans to see each other in the next two years.

Delevigne

Dear Del; can I call you Del?

I love the energy of your letter, it sounds like this new love of yours is fabulous, and whilst I don’t think you need to worry about nurturing your spark so early on in the relationship I do feel obliged to tell you that it won’t always be like this. Your relationship is not going to be thrilling and exciting forever. It doesn’t work like that.

Now don’t get me wrong, Mr. E still surprises me from time to time even now. Occasionally I’ll learn something new about him, small things he never thought to share or things I couldn’t see until I grew and changed myself. But overall? I know this dude. I know him like I know myself. I know he will be a little sad if I don’t make him overnight oats when I make mine, even as I know he’s going to forget them in the morning. I know that no matter where the laundry basket is his dirty clothes are going on the floor. I know his fears, his passions, and his quirks. I know what he wants in bed, and I can get him there in a third of the time I could when we started dating. I know every curve and plane of his body and new discoveries end in conversations like “Do you think you should get this mole checked?”

Inevitably you will get to the point where the relationship is not new and you need to be ok with that. You need to be able to look forward to that even, because if you can’t embrace it you will lose the one you love. Our lives go in stages; nothing stays the same, not even love.

Nowadays my partner and I get excited about the same things together way more often than we get excited by being together. It’s about sharing experiences more than longing to experience each other. When your relationship is new that probably sounds horrifying, but I promise you it isn’t. It’s actually really beautiful. There’s a point where you make a choice to keep loving, rather than being swept away by love. Some people come to it and they think their spark is dead so they break up. Other people come to it, and they push through and choose to love, and they find their spark was actually a caterpillar that’s now morphed into a butterfly. (I won’t spoil it by telling you what my butterfly looks like!)

In the meantime, your relationship needs these things to survive. Feed it things from the list below and it will grow and flourish:

Respect
Safety
Honesty/Vulnerability
Support
Intimacy

And most importantly: Fun

I can’t tell you what to do to keep it fun because everyone enjoys different things. To me fun is getting lost somewhere together, talking about books we just read and eating bad food while we play video games, but to you and your guy fun could be something else entirely. Do fun stuff together over Skype. Try new things even if you think you won’t like them. Do the things he thinks are fun, even if you think they are boring, and share the things you do for fun even if he thinks they are a bit lame. Have Skype dates rather than just conversations. Play games or set challenges. Work on a project together. Look at Michelle’s list of things to do in a long distance relationship. Embrace where your relationship is at, and all the wonderful things that you will go through in the future if you just keep at it.

Like anything, your relationship is less likely to die if you keep feeding it.