Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year now, before then we played PC games and spoke on Skype for 2 years prior. I usually go up to her country to visit her and things in the first couple of months were just perfect, the activities (walking, visiting families, etc) and the conversations we had were fun, romantic and amazing! Our LDR was perfect up to the point where she became a Nursing student at her University, and moved from her parents’ to a flat of her own in September.
I truly understand that Student life is a horribly busy life because I’ve done it myself, however from then on, our conversations have become lessened and I’ve advised her on going out with friends or spend nights on the couch rather than the PC.
In a recent visit she was more interested in her phone than to converse with me. We even had a talk she told me she “didn’t love me the way she used to.” and was saying “the way we talk now is how friends talk.”
These days our Skype conversations consist of me talking to myself, or her just talking sternly and with short sentences or answers. I visit her once every 2-3 months, I order flowers to her once a month and even write letters of love, however its slowly feeling one sided. I text her a good morning and a good night and I do sometimes receive texts of I miss you/ your voice.”
I am truly scared of losing her because I love her so much! However a part of me is telling me that its slowly becoming a doomed relationship.
What can I do?
– Sheep
Dear Sheep,
Love is fluid. It ebbs and flows. Some days my cup runneth over, others I have to make a concentrated effort to love Mr. E. Talk about this with your girlfriend. Discuss how stress can drain the life out of people and their relationships. Remind each other that while most of the time love is a feeling, other days it needs to be a choice.
It is the nature of love to evolve too. The love you feel after twenty years isn’t the same as the love a couple feels after fifty years, nor is the love you feel now going to be the same as the love you felt when the relationship was scary and new – and that’s ok. Many people wonder if they are still in love when one of these shifts occurs; but it is not that they love less, only differently.
With that said, your girlfriend has mentioned your conversations are “how friends talk”. Inherently, that’s not terrible. Relationships based on friendship are strong. However, I encourage you to think about the differences between friendship and romance. What key elements are missing from your conversations? Is it possible she might be feeling a lack in emotional connection or sexual connection? When was the last time you put effort into your sex life from a distance?
Don’t be afraid to bring this up in conversation with your girlfriend and ask her what she wants and needs; what would help her feel more like lovers than friends. You shouldn’t have to guess and fumble in the dark, both people in a relationship are responsible for working on its health and communicating openly.
Maybe it’s time to mix it up a bit. Flowers are lovely but if it’s routine the wow factor is gone. Can you send something else? A giant fortune cookie? Cake? A teddy wearing a shirt that smells like you? Or can you surprise her with a date night? Ask her to stay in with you and have pizza sent to her place.
Remember that long distance relationships aren’t just about phone calls. You can DO things together. Clear some space and do some yoga over Skype. Or bake the same recipe at the same time. (Carefully) take skype into the bathroom and have a bath together. Pick up the phone and embarrass the hell out of yourself by singing the chorus of her favorite love song. Mix it up! Focus on being fun and flirty, and continue to listen when she does talk. It’s not over until it’s over.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been together for now over 2 years. We love each other very much, but being in a LDR seems to get harder with time. Tough events have happened to me lately and I have a hard time dealing with it. It just feels like everything is wrong. It seems to me like the minimum would be to have him by my side and just be able to hug him. I just can’t keep myself from asking why I can’t have that. You know, why can’t it just be simple? How could I get that feeling; the protection and comfort of a warm hug, but with the distance?
Also, conversations sometimes only turn around how was your day? Or what are you doing? And it gets repetitive. We’ve been over the get-to-know-each other questions a long time ago. Do you have any advice to spice up the Skype calls?
Lastly, my bf and I occurred not to speak the same language. He is English and I am French. I can easily talk to him in English, but the problem comes when he visits my friends and family. Most of them know a few words, but not enough to hold a good conversation. I know he would like to be able to fluently speak French and I wish I could help him, but I don’t know how. I’d like to make it fun for him, not like a homework. So please if you have any tip, let me know 🙂
Thanks,
Lydia
Dear Lydia,
It is hard to tough it through a long term long distance relationship. Even though you get better at it, once the novelty wears off patience can erode too. Sadly, sometimes all you can do is push forward.
When I have feelings like yours I remember what my Grandmother used to say. “Don’t ask “Why me?” Why not you?” Her point was that unfortunate things happen to us all and no good comes from feeling sorry for yourself or thinking that somehow you should be above that misfortune. It is what it is. When you ask yourself such questions as “Why can’t it just be simple?” all you are doing is feeding the negative thoughts and generating more negative energy which in turn will bring you further down. If you can’t change something, don’t let yourself waste energy moping about it.
People have a range of techniques to generate that warm hug feeling, and it is my hope that readers might comment with their suggestions. For me personally I found visualization worked wonders, while others I know have snuggled up to a body pillow, worn their partner’s hoodie or backed up into the cushy embrace of a soft sofa. It’s not the same. But it’s better to have an imaginary hug from the person you need most than a real hug from someone who doesn’t touch your soul.
The art of conversation is so important in a long distance relationship, isn’t it? I wouldn’t hesitate to pick up one of those questions for couples books, because even though you’re not at the beginning of the relationship I guarantee there are things about each other you still don’t know. Aside from the sheer complexity of the human psyche, you and your boyfriend are growing and changing every day. An answer that was true two years ago might not be true now. Additionally, other minds can likely conjure questions the two of you may never have dreamed of.
Aside from that, involving yourself in your macro world is a great place to find conversation fodder. What’s in the news? Talk about it. Share opinions. What big issues matter to each of you? Paying more attention during your day can generate discussion too. The simplest incidents when told with zest can make wonderful stories.
On learning a new language, you could help him by watching movies or shows with him in French rather than English, or by reading to him in French once he has a basic understanding of the language. You can make fun games with flashcards, perhaps with slightly naughty rewards for correct answers. If you have the resources, you could even make a complex riddle or scavenger hunt. A basic example of this might be sending a small gift to one of his friend’s places (or enlisting one of his family members/ housemates to help you) and then giving him clues in French. I imagine French love letters might also be appealing.
As with learning any new thing, sometimes it is just going to be work, but hopefully one of these ideas can help you mix it up a little.
