Dear Miss U,
My name is Jaime and I met the absolute love of my life while on vacation in East Africa. We spent one incredible month together travelling through Africa and a bond was created instantaneously. My partner is from England and I from Canada. Prior to departing back home, my English soul mate promised me he would see me again and come to visit me in Can. 4 months later he did exactly that and we spent 2 incredible weeks together. We traveled across Canada visiting the mountains, Niagara Falls and ended it skydiving together. I am completely in love with this man and the feeling is mutual. The difficulty lies in the fact that he has a 3 year old daughter back in England and I have just recently completed University in Canada to be a Registered Nurse. As much as he would love to move here to be with me his obligation prevents this. And vice versa as much as I’d love to move my world to England, I only just graduated and the prospect of moving to England as a newly graduated RN from Canada is not possible (I’ve already done the research). We plan on seeing one another every few months, and his flights are already booked to see me again during December. I feel he is my soul mate, but hate wondering how our futures/lives will ever be brought together permanently. Please help!!
Sincerely,
A Desperate Optimist.
Dear Jaime the Optimist,
Moving to England as a new RN might be troublesome, but you won’t be new forever. You can get the experience and level of training required to work overseas, and by all means that would be worth it. England tend to pay their nurses a lot better than many other countries do. The process to become accredited to work in England is long, but then, visas take quite a bit of time to get too. So if you’re in this for the long haul, you just knuckle down for the ride, that’s all you can do.
You’ve been together six months; it’s a new relationship, and an international one at that. Like any relationship you need to put in time for it to develop. It would be a very big thing to pack up and move to England right now, and I generally don’t encourage anyone to rush in. Take your time. Figure out what it’s going to take to close the distance in the long run, but in the meantime don’t lose sight of what’s important – experiencing this relationship as it is, in all it’s beautiful newness, right now. Don’t be so focused on the future that you forget to build a foundation for that future now.
There are two things I can tell you: Internationally long distance relationships are expensive and they require a lot of patience as it takes time to jump through all the hoops required to close the distance. Whilst it’s not for the faint of heart, it is possible, as the many couples who have proceeded you can attest. Make a plan, gather your patience, and over time if you want it enough you will make it happen.
Good luck.
Dear Miss U,
I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now, and we just recently (about a month ago) had to move away from each other to go to college. I am down south while he is all the way on the west coast, so it’s hard to visit each other unless we want to spend a lot of money on flights. We Skype every day, and we send each other letters and texts. Nevertheless, I still miss him more than anything, and all I want to do is hold his hand and feel his arms around me. It’s getting hard to focus on school work because I spend my time wishing he were here with me. We have both had thoughts about me transferring to be closer to him because both of us have been having a really hard time not being able to be together. I know that he is the person I want to grow old with, and I know he feels the same way. But the university I attend will give me so many opportunities in life, so I don’t want to give up those opportunities. We both want to stay where we are, but neither of us knows how to deal with being apart. How do I cope with not being able to hold or kiss him? How is it possible to do this for 4 years when I’m already having such a hard time after 1 month? Should I try to find a school where I can be closer to him?
~ College Troubles
Dear Troubles,
I think you already know that the answer is no. You chose the college you did because of the opportunities it will give you, and in the hopes those opportunities will give you both a better future. What is four years compared to the rest of your lives? Four years feels like forever now, but really it’s a brief period of time. Think of it like an investment.
Whilst long distance doesn’t really get easier, you will both get better at it. There is no “how” to cope; you just do, because you don’t have a choice. Tackle each day as it comes, stay busy, study together on Skype and keep each other focused. You will come to learn that being apart physically does not make your connection to each other less, you do not have to be lonely because your minds are always on each other and love truly knows no distance.
You can do this. Remember why you made your decisions in the first place. Stay strong.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for quite some time. He was deployed just recently. He’s been gone since July. This is really hard on me and I know it is on him too. He was able to talk to me for a little bit and had asked me something bizarre. He asked me if I would sleep around with other another guy. He said all the guys he’s with ask their girlfriends to do the same, and their relationship is better because of that. He says it’s not so he can sleep around (because he can’t). He asked me if he could talk to the other military guy I know and if I would have sex with him. We get into so many fights about this and I just don’t know what to do. Is that normal? What do I do? I don’t want to fight with him.
Also, he doesn’t show he cares as much anymore. Is that normal? What can I do to get us back to a happier place?
And I’m new to this military relationship deal… So what can I do to support him from here? Do they all get leave? I’m just so conflicted and this really eats at me all the time…
~ Long Distance Sucks
Dear LDS,
Under no circumstances, at any point in time, for any reason do you need to have sex with someone just because your boyfriend tells you to. To the best of my knowledge, no, that’s not normal. Generally people want to know their partner is faithful, rather than taking comfort in the knowledge that their partner isn’t. I suggest next time he brings this up you remind him that he is asking you to go against your personal values, that it’s your body and you don’t wish to give it up for just anyone, and that you’re perfectly capable of taking care of your sexual needs alone (with or without Mr. Buzz)
I personally have no experience with military relationships, so you will need to ask him if he’ll get leave and what ways he personally would like to be supported. Care packages are very popular, so there’s a good place to start.
You can also ask him why he hasn’t been showing he cares as much. Chances are he’s busy and tired, doesn’t know how to show he cares at a distance or there are other people around and the lack of privacy makes him nervous.
You know what’s right for you. Trust yourself.
