Miss You Issues: Striking A Healthy Balance - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

At the very beginning, all him and I did was flirt back and forth until he finally asked me out over skype. For the past two months, our conversations lack depth and he overall seems uninterested in what I have to say. He never compliments me and never calls me “babe” or any of those nicknames that we used when we first started dating. He lives only a few hours away from me, and when I come and visit, he barely has the time for me, since all he does is play on his computer and watch youtube videos. I really don’t know what I should do, or how to even make it work. I’m getting upset every night because I’m trying my best to make myself happy. He tells me that he likes his alone time, but not even an hour with me and he automatically goes back to what he was doing on his computer. Skype is the only way we communicate, when we first started dating, we would call every second of every day, now; not so much. I really don’t know what to do, have any advice?

Dear L,

I love my alone time. I think alone time is key to remaining sane. With that said, I don’t think it’s actually alone time your partner craves so much as technology time. I am not a doctor, nor have you given me so much information here that I can say anything for certain, but I get two distinct impressions:
1) He’s not ready for a serious relationship, or maybe for adulthood at all
2) His use of technology has gotten to the point where it controls him more than he controls it.

Of course, I don’t know the guy and might be way off the mark, but if he’s spending the bulk of his time indoors, online and in isolation then it might be time to start Googling “internet addiction.”

It’s normal for there to be some decrease in communication at some point in a relationship, particularly if you used to spend every waking moment in contact with each other, because that’s not maintainable in the long run nor is it particularly healthy. There needs to be some kind of balance between work, love life, family commitments, leisure time, study etc. and that can’t be attained if every spare moment is spent on the phone. Keep this in mind if your discussions with him reach the point where you’re striving to agree on how much contact to aim for.

Personally I think that at 5 months in if he’d rather watch Youtube than hang out in the real world with you then there isn’t much hope to be had and that you would be better off finding someone who can see your worth and revels in your company; however it’s worth having a conversation about these issues even if you do decide to cut him loose, so that hopefully he’ll treat his next girlfriend better.

Point out to him the things you mentioned to me, the lack of compliments, interest and time, tell him you miss the way things were and find out if he wants to put the effort in to keep this relationship going or if you should be investing your time somewhere else.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I started dating last summer and we were infatuated with each other. We were in the honeymoon phase for an entire year until he left for school this year. When he got there he has been extremely busy, and I completely understand, but some of the things he does make me feel like I am not a priority any more. He has forgotten our anniversary every month- and I know as stupid that it sounds it’s something that used to be very important to us (just celebrating with a “happy x month anniversary text” and maybe a phone call)- for the past three months. We recently went through a rough patch where we felt bored with our conversations and we talked about it and we’re better now. But I still feel like he puts me on the back burner. In fact, I feel like he does it so often now that I feel like I deserve better than being treated this way, am I wrong? He rarely compliments me anymore and he never does anything romantic. I feel more like his best friend rather than his girlfriend. Am I overthinking? Is our relationship winding down? Should I talk to him about it? Please help.

Overthinking Sucks.

Dear Overthinker,

Some of the response I gave above may be of benefit to you; particularly how communication won’t always be at peak intensity, but the bottom line is if you are unhappy then yes you need to talk to him about it.

Before you do though, grab a pen and paper and write down all your relationship issues, big and small. From there you can “pick your battles” because honestly not everything is worth arguing about and some annoyances only become apparent in the light of bigger issues.

Month anniversary acknowledgment might be one of these things. Personally, I really feel that people who are able to keep track of every month must either be really organized or are leading really boring lives. Some parents with really young kids do it too, and I don’t get it. Some mums are all “How old is your baby? Mine’s 36 months” and I’m all like “It’s October now? I don’t know, she’ll be a year old by the end of the year.”

I mean I have to stop and count on my fingers (and maybe toes too) to figure out how many years I’ve been with Mr. E never mind having to keep track of an arbitrary date each month. It’s not that I don’t love the guy with all my heart, I do, it’s that I’m crazy busy and I’d rather show him I care by remembering more important things like when that important meeting at work was going to be (so I can send support or ask how it went) or that he likes toothpaste, not tooth gel.

Back to the parenting example, there’s a point when your kid (or relationship) is old enough that a few months no longer make a difference to its development and you stop keeping track in months because years simply makes more sense.

Feeling more like a friend than a girlfriend is big. Feeling like a low priority all of the time is not cool. Provide him examples of things he says and does that contribute to you feeling this way (yes, even the monthaversary thing) and offer suggestions about what could be done to change this. He might not be able to find more free time because he’s busy, but he can make the time you have together more meaningful and fulfilling, and he can revive some of those small gestures and kind words that he used to court you in the first place.

You’re on the same team, talk to each other and work together, there’s no reason you can’t rise above these issues.