Dear Miss U,
When I met my sweetie we were in the same state(obviously)madly in love. Then about 2 years ago I did the hardest thing ever; I moved in with my family to graduate high school. At first that was the plan graduate and go from there while me and my sweetie were not a big fan of being soooo far away from each other I put aside my depression and graduated with a 4.0. I wasn’t ready to go home to my hunnie, the way I saw it was I wanted to be completely on my feet before I went back to him so I made the decision to go to college and now I’m almost done and I want to just quit and go home the love of my life because for me nothing is more important than having him as the love of my life for eternity but I’m scared we are going to be poor and really poor. He keeps telling me he can’t wait for me no more he wants me there with him. Should I quit school and go home to him? Or should I stick it out and suck it up and finish school? I’m just tired of trying to better my life I just want to go home and be poor at least ill have him?
~ Salsita
Dear Salsita,
No one can make such a huge life changing decision for you, unfortunately, but my opinion is this: You’re almost done – why would you waste all that effort, time, money, and heartbreak? Why would you throw away everything you’ve done when you’re so close to the end? That would make everything you’ve gone through pointless, and you’d have nothing to show for it except student debt. Besides that, you’ll go home to him, but that never guarantees a person will stay with you. It is not wise to sacrifice your education and your future career (so close to finishing too) for a guy. He might be with you forever, or you might have grown apart while you were away and he’ll leave you with nothing six months after you go back to him. There’s no way for you to know for sure, and that is why you need to look after yourself first in this situation.
He says he can’t wait for you anymore? Then he can move to you for a little while, until you finish your education. Your future – your dreams and goals – should be just as important to him as they are to you. He needs to be the guy urging you on toward the finish line, not the one pressuring you to give it up when you’ve come so far.
Another option could be to take a gap year. Have some time off. Live together for a while, renew both of your faiths in this relationship, remind yourselves that you can make it and you’re great together and then when you are refreshed, go back and finish it up. Or maybe you can look into transferring closer?
The other thing is being educated does not guarantee you’ll get a job right away, and even if you do, it won’t always be well paid. Prepare yourself now for being poor and struggling for a few years. Most of us go through it and survive. With careful planning and a budget, you’ll be on your feet and on the road to success, with a happy partner beside you.
Keep in mind also that the number one cause of arguments and relationships breaking down is financial stress. It’s not easy to be poor – especially if you could have done something to change it, but gave it up. It’s also not easy to work a job you hate day in and day out, no matter how much you love the person you’re doing it for. Believe me, I’ve made that mistake!
Dear Miss U,
I stay with my boyfriend 3-4 weeks every 2 months. In between, we miss each other and plan for when we are together. When we are together, we try to make the best of it and keep our minds off the fact we will soon be apart. He said I love you first, and I was uneasy with the level of commitment, but I grew to love him as well. He wants us to get married, for me to move and live with him forever. Most days I want these things too. But some days I’m not sure. Some days I’m scared. I wonder if our “love” is heightened by our circumstances. If we are rushing into things. If we would behave differently if we lived closer to each other.
The first 2 weeks of visiting are amazing. It’s wonderful to see him again, touch him, be around him. But by the last few days of my visit, I’m a little relieved, ready to go home. I’m not sure if that is just because we’ve spent too much time together (3 weeks straight) and I need space, or if it means that we wouldn’t work out long term if we moved in together. I have never lived with someone I was in a relationship with before. In the past I have been around boyfriends about 3 times a week and I tend to like it that way. I love him. He’s amazing. I want to be with him. But I don’t know if I can be around him every day. But I have always wanted to get married. And I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. I just don’t know if it is the right decision. I wish we could live near each other and date awhile. But for a number of reasons that is impossible.
~ Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
I can’t tell you if this is “right” but I can say that yes, I think you’re rushing things! Date for a year, spend time together in as normal an environment as you can achieve with your situation, and talk to each other about how much quality time you expect in a relationship vs. how much alone time you need. Once you’ve made it that far, think about forever, but until then just keep getting to know each other. Have fun with the relationship. You don’t have to have a plan right away. If you give this relationship time to develop you will know if it’s right for you.
Marriage is great, but if you’re together forever, you have forever to get married in. There is no reason to rush such a huge life changing decision. You also should not feel pressured to say yes. It’s ok to say “I want to, but I’m not ready yet.” Even if that means being long distance, even if it’s financially not as smart. It’s better to be sure, 100% sure, than to rush into a marriage on the first waves of love and then later regret it.
It’s good that you have such long visits to test the waters with too, that’s a blessing! But since you spend almost half your time in a near-proximity relationship I think it’s time you both started branching it out a little bit during visits. I get the feeling that when you’re there you just spend all your spare time together; you’re likely not working or seeing your own friends. This isn’t what a relationship is actually like, and of course you’ll feel ready to leave each time if you’re putting your own life on pause and just focusing on him.
What I would suggest is making friends in his area. Find someone to go out to coffee with, or a group you can spend a night out with once a week. Or take a class of some kind. Anything – just make it something for you; that you do without him. I’d also recommend finding a charity you could volunteer with while you’re there so you’re not stuck at home waiting like Suzy Housewife. A regular job probably wouldn’t give you hours based on your sketchy availability, but much of the time charities are in desperate need and they’ll take anyone they can get. Don’t forget to stay in contact with friends and family back home, and it’s also fine to say “I’m just going to have a quiet night reading” and go off to a different room for breathing space.
This song made me think of you:
Leave me alone (I’m lonely) – Pink
