Support Through Illness and Grief

Dear Miss U,

I met this amazing man through mutual friends 4 months ago. We really hit it off and we spend hours on the phone or texting every day. While a 5 hour drive doesn't seem far, our lives keep us apart for the moment. I would love nothing more than to drop everything and go to him. Unfortunately, my life will not allow it.

Today started out as it always does: good morning texts, and a photo of ourselves having breakfast. We always start our days off seeing each other one way or another. Skype call for a few minutes or a photo to say hello.

We've only been dating for 2 months, so we haven't gotten to the point of getting to know family members. We are both very family oriented, and our families know about each other but we haven't had a big family meet yet.

Halfway through the day he got upsetting news that his grandmother is not in good health and her time is limited. I wanted so badly to run to him and give him a hug. I care for him a lot and I want to be supportive. This is my first LDR and I just don't know how to be the comforting and supportive girlfriend he needs during this time in his life with the space between us. Knowing how family oriented he is and knowing he is close to her, I know he's in pain. If we were together, I would be there and hug him, sit and hold his hand, let him talk and be by his side. Right now there are 350 mile between us. What can I do?

Ohio is for Lovers

Dear Ohio,

This is where the true hardship of LDR lies. Sometimes, as much as we want to, there isn’t anything we can do, beyond listening and holding safe space within which our loved ones can grieve.

As someone who saw a lot of death at a young age, my best advice is this: Make it a priority to go and meet this lady before she dies and make sure you have the resources put aside so that you can drop everything to attend her funeral. These are the things your partner will remember in ten years.

Other than that, just be present mentally and emotionally. Ask about his grandmother. Remember (even if you need to write them down) any important tests she might have coming up so you can follow up with your partner about his thoughts and feelings. Make it clear you haven’t forgotten even if her illness becomes drawn-out, cut him extra slack for any foul moods he experiences, and don’t try to fix it. Sometimes having someone who can listen without giving advice is the greatest gift in the world.

I’d also recommend picking up a book specializing in helping a loved one through grief, as I’m not an expert in the field.

My thoughts are with you.

Dear Miss U,

I’m so sad currently, overthinking. Distance kills so much. In this 3 month LDR at first we were sweet and we'd call and express our feelings so much but now he doesn’t call me anymore and our texts are less and bored; no more sweet texts like before. I asked him if everything is ok. He said everything is perfect and we had a very short 3 min call and he said he missed me. I don’t know what to do. I just want this LDR to end soon! My feeling now is I miss him so much and I'm sad and worried that he will cheat on me. What should I do?
Help me 🙁

Babe

Dear Babe,

The best thing you can do right now is talk yourself down. Learn some techniques that help you master your thoughts and anxious feelings; these will be invaluable.

Secondly, give more time before you decide something is a trend. It’s ok to have a few slow days, or a week where the conversations aren’t earth-shattering. Emotions ebb and flow. It’s normal.

It sounds like your LDR isn’t very satisfying. Do you do more than talk and text? Play games or watch shows together? Go for walks together (on the phone)? Read to each other or engage in other hobbies? These things are important. This IS your relationship, don’t wait until you are physically together to make it amazing.

Stop worrying about cheating. If he’s that kind of person, he’d do it whether you lived in the same house or not. Choose instead to trust him until he gives you an actual reason not to.

Nothing worth doing is easy, and that includes LDR. We just have to get on with it as best we can, staying busy wherever possible to keep our minds from playing tricks on us.

Dear Miss U, My boyfriend lives in India and I’m from Slovenia. So when we started dating I asked him if we could Facetime so my parents could meet him. And he refused. He said he isn’t a family person. What can I do about it? And how can I tell my parents that we are dating? I know they won’t approve but I love him so freaking much! [read more: Every Day Counts]
Dear Miss U, I just found out my sweetie has been in the hospital, and will start a treatment session for several weeks. I want to go see him and spend time with him. Traveling to see him involves crossing a border, plane fare, hotel, and pausing my job search (15+ months out of work). However the last two times I went to visit, he would not speak to me nor acknowledge my presence in his city… [read more: Highway to Help]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.