Take Control of the Waiting

Dear MM,

Straight up we’re going to nip that feeling sorry for ourselves right in the bud. That’s a weed we never let grow, ok? Smash it.

Yeah, you’re waiting, but you’re waiting for the most amazing guy, and he’s waiting too. So what if he’s busier than you? That doesn’t mean he isn’t waiting. He too is forgoing having a local partner. He doesn’t have someone there when he wants to go to a party. There’s no double date, he’s the third wheel. His bed, when he finally gets there, is just as cold and empty as yours. It’s exactly the same. He does know how it feels to wait, because he could have given up on this at any time and found someone closer, but he hasn’t.

The feeling I’m getting is you’re waiting (and you think he’s not) because he’s going to come back to you, yeah? He left, that means you’re waiting. But can we take a moment and realize that’s a massive sacrifice on his part? For him to leave his home and culture for-possibly-ever? You’re upset you have to wait for that? Sounds a wee bit ungrateful, if I’m being honest here.

I like to think that waiting is something we all struggle with (I sure do!) but it helps to keep the long game in mind — the goal of finally being together permanently — and to know things balance out in the end.

Let me share some things with you. Mr. E and I never planned to settle down. Neither of us could imagine leaving our home countries and being happy, so we made a deal. We’d take turns carrying the burden. He stayed with me in my country a few months and hated it. I stayed in his country just shy of two years and hated it. Then we moved back to my country, with the agreement that after five years I’d move back to his country with him, and so on. So we had this burden that we just kept passing back and forth. Because we’re a team, we shared it. And you know what we both learned from that? Sometimes being the person who has it “better” is the hard part. I love living in Australia, but it was hard to do it for years on end, always wondering if he was sad or resentful inside. Keeping him away from his ‘real’ family at the holidays. He can only see his life-long friends through Skype... there’s a guilt that comes with that, you know?

There’s also a guilt with being the busier person, or the person who appears to cope better with the distance. Mr. E always thought he needed to be strong for me, so I always thought he just didn’t care. After visits I’d cry on the plane ride home, thinking he just went back to his normal busy life as though nothing happened. Turns out that he cried too. He cried a lot. He just didn’t think he could talk about it. He later told me it was really stressful for him trying to juggle everything and if I hadn’t been so flexible, ready to spend time with him whenever he could find it, we might not have made it through.

The point I’m eventually getting to here is: sometimes he will carry the relationship and sometimes you will. Sometimes you’ll be the strong, flexible willow tree. Other times he’ll need to be the lily, blooming in the mud. Things aren’t 50/50 in a relationship. You give it all you’ve got, all the time. Sometimes you won’t have much to give, sometimes he won’t. But you always do your best, you trust him to do the same, and you make it through to the other side together. As a team.

If you’re going to do that, you need to stop blaming him. You need to check your attitude and realign your thinking when the negative thoughts pop up. You’re in this together. Stop acting like you’re the only one doing it tough, because you’re not. Being busy passes the time, but it doesn’t take away the emptiness.

There are a few things in life I don’t think people would do if they had a choice, and Long Distance is one of them. No one would go through this crap without a damn good reason. The problem is, we don’t love just anyone. You can’t point to a person in a lineup, say “I choose you” and expect compatibility. That’s not how happily ever afters work.

So, you’re waiting. Waiting for the most amazing guy. It’s not easy on you, it’s not easy on him. But you do it. And you do it with gratitude. Some people go their whole lives never experiencing that kind of love. Never finding a connection deep enough that they’d suffer a few years to hold that person forever. The best thing you can do to get though this is to count your blessings, not your curses.

There are other areas of your life you can move forward with to get that sense of tangible progress. You can work on your career, or even just your savings. Throw yourself into your job and do your best, watch your bank balance grow. You can work on your fitness and see the change in your own body. You can advance pet projects and hobbies. You can nurture friendships that have fallen by the wayside. Life is complex and many-faceted. Don’t waste yours waiting for time to pass, do awesome things that make him proud of you, and you proud of yourself.

Your attitude is the one thing that can make this easier, or so much harder if you let it. Take control.

In kindness,