Dear Miss U,
I currently live in California and he lives in North Carolina. I’m officially closing the distance and moving to NC at the end of this year.
However, I am moving to VA with my grandma in a few days. I will only be 5 HOURS away from him!
I flew out to visit him earlier this year in March and that trip was VERY expensive for me and hurt me financially. I was planning on taking a train down to see him next week, but unfortunately plans changed because my grandma isn’t exactly comfortable with me going down to visit some guy that she has never met before which is understandable. She also isn’t comfortable with me traveling by myself. My grandma invited him to drive up to see me for a day or two. She said he can spend the night, and that she’d give us privacy, and then after that he could take me down to NC to stay with him for a week. She just wants to meet him. I told him this and he said that driving 5 hours is a bit much. This really upset me because I have sacrificed so much to go visit him and I am constantly putting so much effort into this relationship. And now that the ball is in his court, he doesn’t even want to TRY and make it happen. Keep in mind he works during the weekends only, and he has nothing at all to do during the week. He just stays at home and sometimes hits the gym. It also hurt me because, he drove hours to go on a beach trip with his friends and to party it up. And he can’t even try to make this happen. This really really upset me.
Miss Fortune
Dear Miss F,
I’d be upset too! The only conclusion I can come to is that this relationship matters a lot more to you than it does to him. Five hours isn’t a short drive, but I certainly don’t think it’s so far that he should rule it out. I personally would hope he’d be excited by this kind of invite from your Grandma, it’s quite the compliment that she will welcome him into her home and get to know him. I also thought her solution was progressive. I don’t think he should be expected to drive up every time, but this one time wouldn’t hurt him.
All you can do is have a firm conversation about it with him. Tell him that you’re hurt and why, and give him the opportunity to see your point of view and respond. Then take from this what you will.
It might just be that he thinks 5 months is a bit soon in a relationship to be putting in that much effort, he isn’t as invested as you and/or isn’t taking the relationship as seriously as you are. Sometimes that happens in a relationship and it’s worth it for the more invested partner to just wait for the other to catch up (people’s feelings develop at different rates and people have different expectations. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing) and sometimes it tells you things you need to know about their character and it’s a cue to exit.
Dear Miss U,
Hello, thank you for your time. So I’ve been seeing a woman that I’m absolutely head over heels in love with. One problem, she’s 400 miles away. When I first met her last year she lived close to me, but it didn’t work out then (only dated 2 months) We stopped seeing each other-she moved for work, I moved on. But not really, I though about her every single day for a year. We have some mutual friends and one day out of the blue she text messaged me because she saw a post I put on our friends social media. She said that she was going to be in town and wanted to catch up which I was very hesitant because it took me an extended period of time to get over her the first time. When we met she told me how she made a mistake, how nobody could treat her the way I can. Naturally I was excited to hear all of this. We gradually talked that escalated into non-stop texting (400 miles apart) all day-everyday which ultimately led into a trip to see her that changed this into love. Everything is amazing, pure bliss!! I finally what I’ve been wanting and praying for, so the trips were set from now till the end of the year. We have lots of visits on the books for us which I’m excited about. But something is different between us via phone contact. No more cute emails, picture messages have all but stopped, no more “I miss you’s” No more cute good morning texts, now it’s just leading of straight into conversation. She says I love you sometimes, but it’s getting less and less. She’s told me there’s no one else she’d rather do this long distance thing with but I’m beginning to wonder if she feels the same way.. And I beginning to wonder if this heartache is worth it. We’ve talked about one of us eventually moving to the other, but that prob won’t be for a year. Can we make it? Is there someone else? Am I over reacting? Do I swallow my feelings and hope they pass? Or do I man up and ask her what’s up, even if it means I get crushed…. again.
long distance w the ONE will be easy… so I thought
Hello long distance is never easy,
It sounds to me like she might just be getting comfortable, and so has backed off on the first-flush-of-love romance, but there could be other reasons, like general life stress. It’s always that best idea to “man up” and talk about it with your partner. Communication is the only way that you can know for sure you’re on the same page and ideally there should be nothing you can not talk about together. Even if you do find out you were over-reacting, isn’t that better than worrying?
While you’re at it, have a talk about expectations in the relationship. If you want the kind of relationship full of romantic gestures, cute texts and lots of reassurance then let her know. Don’t be afraid of appearing lame or needy, just get it out in the open – that’s the only way any of us get what we want out of our relationships: we ask for it! Realize that it’s likely you give and receive love differently, and talk about what she needs too. You’re a team. Work together, as a team, to make this relationship one of open communication and deep fulfillment.
