Miss You Issues: Talking Less - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My girlfriend just went to uni and she doesn’t talk to me as much as before. I want an idea to tie us closer together over distance, but I don’t want her to be bored. Her interests are Harry Potter, anime, reading, and ancient history. I’m in a dilemma and I need a bit of advice.

Lachlan

Dear Lachlan,

She doesn’t talk to you as much because she’s busy. It’s got nothing to do with you, or how engaged she is with the relationship. She’s adjusting to a new routine and working her butt off, that’s all.

It’s great you know some of her interests but do you share any of those interests? Is there something you’re both interested in that you can geek-out about? If she loves reading maybe you can read together or to each other. There are so many possibilities, and I know so little about you both, that it’s hard to suggest a place to start other than by discussing this with her and Googling for ideas that match your personalities and relationship dynamic.

Beyond that, support her. Take an interest in her study and give her the freedom she needs to succeed.

Dear Miss U,

I live in the UK and my boyfriend lives in the US with a 6-hour difference. When we started talking a year ago it was great, we spoke every day, all the time, and never ran out of ideas about what to say. When he told me he was falling in love, I tried pushing him away but I ended up falling right into his arms and he became my first boyfriend. We have been dating for 8 months now and things have been a little rocky as we have nothing to talk about anymore and just sit there in silence. We have been arguing a lot, well I have as I feel like we are drifting apart. He has been spending a lot of time with friends now too and he got me into a habit of falling asleep on the phone; now he hangs up whenever he is out and I can’t sleep. He also said that if I had intercourse with someone else he would be ok with it until I start falling in love with that person. He also said if he did it, he didn’t mean it, and it would be a one-time thing because we are apart and he misses the physical stuff. I have told him I’m not ok with that because I understand distance is a barrier, and we are still together, but he said he wouldn’t be mad at me for doing it and I shouldn’t be either. I have made him promise it on my life because he values promises and so do I, but I’m still scared that he might do something or is persuaded by the girls he hangs out with as they have liked him in the past, even though he knows I’m not too keen on that. What should I do about all of this because I love him?

Angel

Dear Angel,

In a healthy adult relationship you’d say, “I don’t consent to opening the relationship,” he’d say “Ok,” and that would be the end of that. You should be able to discuss your limits and suggest new things to each other without being afraid; just because he’s interested in outsourcing the physical stuff doesn’t mean he disrespects you enough to follow through when you are clearly not ok with it. For obvious reasons, I can’t tell you if he can be trusted or not, all I can say is to listen to your intuition. If something feels wrong it probably is.

Tell him if he’s dissatisfied with the sex life you have together, you’re willing to work with him to spice it up. There are plenty of ways to scratch the itch long distance.

As to falling asleep on the phone, you have a six-hour time difference. It’s very unrealistic to expect him to just leave the phone running the whole time you’re asleep, especially if he’s out of the house. I’m no stranger to sleeping connected via technology, but there’s a point where you might be expecting too much. Yes, it is disappointing to wake up to that silence, I completely understand that. Mr. E used to wake up at 2am my time to go to work, and when he did so the line would go dead and I’d wake alone in the dark. It’s not fun, but instead of getting all bent out of shape about it, we need to realize we are damn lucky to have the ability to do this at all. Then you roll over, do your sleepy exercises if you have them, and go back to sleep.

Lastly, stop picking fights. If you don’t want to drift apart you need to stop pushing him away by arguing constantly.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.