Miss You Issues: Talking Plans - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

Both my boyfriend and I are in the process of finishing up our college degrees. Me my Bachelor’s and he his PhD. We thought that we would be finishing at the same time but now it seems that he will be needing to take a year longer than expected to graduate. While not detrimental, it does mean that once I finish my degree next spring I will be moving across the country to TN to be with him while he finishes up his degree before we decide on our next step.

I am very excited to finally have a general timeline for closing the distance between us (we’ve been LD for 3yrs now), but I still find myself anxious of the unknown. For the first time ever I will be away from everyone and everything I know (except him of course) and it’s got me a bit on edge.

I guess what I really want to know is if you have any advice on how to adjust to closing the distance across the country when I’ve only ever visited the area.

Like how to go about finding a job once I get there (or even better, before I get there). Should I find a social hobby right away? Should I take it slow and get used to the idea of being so far away from my lifelong home before getting involved?

I would ask him since he moved there completely by himself, but he’s a roll with the punches type of person who can adjust to just about anything whereas I’m a planner. I like to know what to expect even if it’s a general concept. And having a game plan, no matter how generic, would put my mind at ease.

Studying in WA

Dear Student,

Having a plan, even a loose one, gives you more power in the situation and gives you a guide in case you lose your way and become overwhelmed. In particular I recommend making a plan with your family and friends about communication BEFORE you leave and implement that communication routine immediately upon moving. People who are used to being long distance tend to be far better at staying in touch than Average Joe and in my experience if you don’t force the issue and establish contact quickly you tend to fall into the “out of sight, out of mind” category for a lot of people. If you care about your relationships with these people, plan for the future of those relationships.

How to go about finding a job depends a lot on your field and the kind of work you’re looking for. Some companies are willing to do interviews over the phone or through video calls, others are not. It doesn’t hurt to send out your CV and fill in job applications online a month or two before the move.

Yes to finding a social hobby right away. It might feel like our partners are our whole world sometimes, but the fact is that it isn’t true and it is neither healthy nor practical to expect them to be. Having interests and friends outside of the relationship will only benefit the two of you, and will take pressure off him. You can even begin making friends in his area before you make the move through sites like Meetup.com.

I don’t think you need to take time and think on the fact you’ve moved. That sounds like a one-way ticket to self-pity and resentmentville to me. You’ve got time before the move to gnaw on the idea of it, there’s no sense in holding back from the experience once you take the plunge.

Talk to him about how often you expect to see each other or how much quality time each of you wants to have with each other before you move too, so that you don’t get caught in the trap of one person feeling smothered and the other feeling rejected and lonesome.

Lastly, have a plan for if it doesn’t work out. Set some money aside in case you need to leave in a hurry for whatever reason and remember too that it’s just a year or so. It doesn’t have to be forever.

Treat it like an adventure, not an obligation.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend of seven months and I met via social media. I myself had always been skeptical of LDRs where people met on social media until I myself have been put into this situation. We have not met in person yet, but we have arrangements already made to meet in the next couple months. Besides that, we facetime a good majority of every day. Many of my friends don’t know, and neither do my parents. I don’t know what to do. I want to tell my parents, but I’m scared of how they will react. I’m scared of their judgement. I know what he and I have is special, and I am not willing to give it up. I just hate keeping something this important from them. Any help?

Panicked in PA

Dear Panicked,

Meeting online is pretty normal these days, thankfully. Likely your parents’ main concern will be your safety. Once you prove to them you’re talking to a guy in your age group and not a 40 year old predator chances are they’ll be alright. Be prepared by thinking through likely questions they will ask and having answers already in mind, and reassure them that he isn’t taking time away from “more important things like study.” Invite them to speak with him and remember that if you act confident rather than guilty you are more likely to receive a positive reaction. If you think you are doing something wrong or weird or shameful others will pick up on that and it will make it easier for them to tap into their own misgivings.

People who genuinely care about you want to see you happy, healthy, respected and pursuing your goals. They want other people in your life to be uplifting you and encouraging you to be the best you that you can be. Not everyone is going to have faith in your judgement at first, but friends worth having will offer their support rather than tearing you down or making you feel bad about yourself.

Be honest, be yourself and don’t lose your head if the first conversation isn’t favorable. If you want to be treated like a mature discerning individual you must act the part.