Dear Miss U,
First, thank you for helping all of us, we need it! My girlfriend and I have been together almost 2 years now, we are 5000 miles apart and have never met. We love each other deeply. Her sister has shoved her in the middle of her LDR because of their arguments. This has caused a lot of stress. To add to matters, the BF has cancer (again) and has been given 1.5yrs to live. Very sad. Of course my GF cares for the guy, but he has been very abusive emotionally, by placing her in the middle and making her feel guilty. He has also crossed the line with her by saying things about him and my GF getting together. This is where I drew the line. I got in a large fight with her and she defends him because of his cancer. He has made more comments since. I trust that she doesn’t have any feelings except friendship love for him, I’m not worried about that. I’m not sure if i should appreciate the complexity of the situation and let her deal with it or should i say enough? We have been arguing a lot about him for the last 2 months, especially because he calls so much. But she doesn’t have the heart to deny his calls. She has definitely put my calls first now, but he still calls. Now the worst, she has recently broke down because of a hard home life that i am aware of. She wanted space, which i understood. She still talks to him though, and again i trust her, but it’s irritating she can’t seem to handle our relationship but she still helps him. Should I keep her, and how. I love her immensely.
Jordan
Dear Jordan,
When my parent was dying, my therapist imparted some wisdom that has stuck with me throughout the years. Hopefully your girlfriend can get some use out of it too. The essence of it was as follows: When someone is dying, that doesn’t automatically excuse them from the consequences of their actions and it isn’t some gilded pass that allows them to tread rough-shod over everyone else’s feelings. Bluntly put, even dying does not give you the right to be an asshole. Furthermore, it does no one any favors to withhold those things that need to be said. Cancer should not stop someone from hearing the truth. Terminal illness does not remove a person’s humanity, nor does it negate the importance of today.
In my own journey, that freed me to speak up about abuse in my childhood and address concerns I had about my parent’s roommate who was not at all what he portrayed himself to be. In your girlfriend’s journey this might mean putting up some boundaries to protect herself and her relationship with you. Or it might mean nothing more than a simple reminder that her sister’s boyfriend isn’t his condition. He is a person with cancer. A person first and foremost, subject to all those things every other human is subjected to. He is not his cancer, and it behooves nobody to treat him with pity. Realistically, we are all fighting our own battles and we should act in kindness because we don’t know what struggles others are facing – and that rule still applies to how he should behave as well.
From my perspective, this guy is way out of line. He has his own girlfriend who he should respect enough not to be suggesting dating yours, and that’s just for starters. With that said, you personally are not in a place to do a great deal beyond supporting your girlfriend. I’m sure the temptation to beat your chest, step in and defend your partner is very strong, I would feel the same. It’s perfectly normal to want this guy to back off, but because your girlfriend is her own person and not your property I don’t feel you have the right to intercede unless you are specifically asked to do so. Your place would be to respect her and trust her enough to deal with it like a big girl. I do highly recommend she draw some boundaries with this guy and put some distance between herself and him. If he says or does something that makes her uncomfortable she needs to speak up or act appropriately to protect herself. Again, he is not his illness. Its fine to give someone a little extra leeway because you know they are feeling unwell, it’s a whole other thing to let things get out of control because of it.
To preserve your sanity and protect your interactions with each other, I would suggest making an effort to not talk about him anymore, especially if it’s the same old conversation. Your girlfriend knows your stance on this issue and you know hers. If possible, agree to disagree and put this one away for a while. Make your relationship about the two of you again. Be nice to each other. Have fun together. Pull together as a team rather than letting something tear you apart. Remember why you love each other! Count your blessings, make lists about your partner’s great characteristics. I’m serious. A few positive exercises never hurt a relationship.
I hate to say it, but you have time. This isn’t the kind of situation that will last forever, it is something that can be endured through. Either the sister and he will break up, or he may pass away, or your girlfriend’s friendship with him will run its course when the strain he puts on it becomes unbearable – whatever the case, this will pass. Your girlfriend will grow and mature during this time as well. It takes experience to and time for people to understand what is and isn’t acceptable in their relationships with others, give her the opportunity to develop these skills for herself.
Dear Miss U,
After marriage my husband could not ever give time due to his job schedule (working in night lounge). We didn’t been to honeymoon as well. When I leave house he is sleeping, when he come home m sleeping. When I return he has already left home .Nor on his week off he takes me out of any hangout. Approx. 5months just completed for marriage but there is no sweet line of love at all. Nor he gives me a call or text in the day .Before marriage we use to meet and spend time with each other and text each other every minute. All though we are living together, we hardly see each other and nor I see that this is even bothering him like the way it’s happening with me. And now he has decided to work abroad. I miss the old him. Please help me what to do.
Peppy
Dear Peppy,
You need to talk to him, even if that means waiting up for him to come home and sacrificing some sleep. Tell him how you feel. Explain to him that you married who he was with the expectation that he would continue to put effort into your relationship. Let him know why those things are important to the marriage, not just things to hook a wife with.
Be pro-active too. If you want to have dates together – invite him out. Sometimes the best way to remind someone of how they should treat you, is by doing it for them first. (And then, if they still don’t you have plenty of examples to provide them when you discuss what you want to be happening.)
Marriage is the combining of two lives; this means your choices intimately affect him, and his choices will have a huge impact on you too. Perhaps being new to marriage, he hasn’t considered this. A partner working abroad should be a decision you make together – not something he decides alone and informs you about – because it’s not just his life that will change. Point this out to him.
Hopefully he just needs a gentle reminder and clear communication will open the door to change for you both. Remember always, speak clearly and do not hint. If you need something, say it. Our partners tend to just assume everything is ok unless we are honest with them, so start a dialog about this as soon as you can.
