Miss You Issues: Testing Positivity - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I have been in a Long Distance Relationship since last year. My boyfriend and I are still studying, we are just freshman. I’m studying Medicine in Madagascar and he is studying Biology in France, so in brief we have to stand the distance for about 8 years at least. Normally, he is supposed to come back to visit me once a year. Of course, we met each other during these vacations, he has just come back to France 3 weeks ago.

I’m not writing for complaining, but I have some questions.

We talk every day, and as much as possible. Even if one of us attends class, we still text each other. I enjoy talking with him and when we don’t talk I don’t feel comfortable. However, sometimes he has to leave me alone when he has something else to do, and in those moments I get angry at him even if it is not his fault. What should I do to avoid that? One more thing, sometimes we miss conversations, is that normal?

Everything I see makes me missing him. Especially late at night or when we don’t text each other. The worst moment is when I wake up in the morning, in fact, due to the jet lag, I wake up about 2 hours before him. And those 2 hours seems like eternity. It gives me time to think about him, about us. I wonder if we will survive this distance. So most of the time, I find myself crying alone in bed waiting for him to text me. Is there any solution for that?

He is worth the distance and this challenge will make us stronger. But we are too young, and 8 years…
Can I have some advice?

Brooke

Dear Brooke,

There is no way on earth you are going to survive eight years of long distance if you don’t get a grip on yourself. I know that’s harsh, but it is true. You will destroy this relationship and yourself if you can’t refocus your energy on the positives instead of wallowing in your suffering.

Yes, it is perfectly normal to miss conversations. That will even continue to happen occasionally in the distant future when you live together. You have your own lives outside of the relationship, you have other friends and other commitments, so inevitably sometimes you’re not going to be able to talk in real time sometimes for a few days. This is not a cause for concern.

I think it’s important for you to ascertain why you don’t feel comfortable if you don’t talk for a day. Is it just because you miss him or some other reason that you might need to address?

I want you to know that you are in control of your thoughts. You are not a hapless bystander. You have the power to take control of these things. Instead of focusing on how much you miss him, use your inner voice to concentrate on gratitude. If you see his favorite car drive by you halt your “I wish that was us driving together…” with “One day that will be us, if we work hard enough!” When you’re lying in bed at night combat your “I miss him so much,” with “Out there somewhere is a fabulous guy who loves me more than anything! I bet he’s thinking of me too.” At first it will be hard, but once you train your mind to positivity it will start working with you rather than against you.

Beyond that, start planning something for your mornings. Get a solid routine, and if necessary enlist a friend to keep you motivated. Do a work out, have a glorious shower, prepare yourself your favorite breakfast and take time to plan your day. Have a reason to get up and make sure that reason is healthy for your body and mind. Don’t lay there crying and wasting your life, get up and live! Then when he gets up two hours later you can bring your happiness and energy into the relationship to nurture it rather than draining the life out of it.

You are not too young. I get 15 year olds writing to me who have to wait years to even meet in person; at least you are adults in charge of your own lives. I encourage you to look into scholarships and other opportunities that may enable you to study abroad as these may shave off a little of your time at a distance.

I wish you the best of luck.

Dear Miss U,

I would just like to get an advice, I don’t know if it’s inappropriate or what. But…

My SO broke up with me today, 5th of September because of her condition.

She was saying that, this could be our breaking point and whatever we do previously each time we fight and make up. This is it. She can’t feel anything for me anymore, she can’t see herself within me for days or weeks to come and so on.

To be honest, her sickness was STD. I don’t want you guys to freak out or what. I know it is curable but it may cause a cancer in a decade’s time. This is between life and death.

I may have gotten it as well, but I don’t know. We were both our firsts together. She got it first just last week, I will have my test asap too. And I told her, nothing will change from my side. I would still love you the same way as I did before. Nothing ever will change. She kept on going, I don’t want this anymore, I know it myself maybe she was just saying that to make me leave because she knows I won’t leave. But in the end, I asked. Would you be happy if I leave, if I forget everything about us, everything we shared, and forget about you? She said Yes.

I’m confused on what to do, should I still love but from a far or totally go. Because I know, she just doesn’t want to deal with the issue with me.

Please help. 🙁

Lost soul..

Dear Lost soul,

You haven’t said how long you have been sexually active together or how often you both get tested or what kind of sexually transmitted infection she has but I can’t help thinking that if you’ve been sexually active together for a while, both tested clean in the past and she only just got an infection there’s a possibility you’re not the only person she’s having sex with. The fact that she’s breaking up with you over it only enhances my suspicion. There are some STDs that can develop without sexual contact (for example thrush can develop due to antibiotics) but if it isn’t one of these where else could it have come from?

This is all conjecture of course, and entirely beside the point. She has broken up with you. She has made it very clear that she wants to move on, or maybe has already done so. As painful as it is, there’s nothing left for you in this relationship. It’s over.

Illness, be it from a sexually transmitted infection or any other source, should not (in my opinion) be the end of a relationship. Like you, I don’t think it is something that can’t be overcome. But the excuse she gives doesn’t change the effect. This relationship has ended, now you must focus on getting a clear bill of health, healing your heart and bravely facing the future. I am sorry for your pain.