That Military Man

Dear Leslie,

Stress and fatigue put a huge amount of pressure on relationships. It’s easy to hold your relationship together if the only obstacle is distance. But when there’s distance, plus limited time, plus being unable to visit, plus not sleeping enough, plus insert whatever else you might be going through it can get harder and harder to bear. As rough as it is, that’s life. And it’s a crucial thing to go through while you’re dating. These are the times that will teach you how to nurture each other when you’re also hurting. How to remain on the same team rather than falling into blame games. As much as they suck, the foundations you’re building now are what will hold together your marriage/defacto arrangement when you finally cohabitate.

Now is the time to say, “I know it’s hard, but I’m glad we’re in it together,” and “we’re both tired, let’s do something together other than talking.” I’ve never been in a military relationship so I don’t know the rules there, but if it’s possible to watch a show or even just have an early night together, do that. Don’t force yourselves to have a conversation when you’re all worn out.

Start paying attention to trigger topics too, so you know what not to talk about when the two of you are compromised. Everyone has something. I can’t talk finances or parenting strategy with Mr. E when I’m tired, and when he’s had a bad day at work I’m best off not trying to talk about anything! Figure out what topics or turns of phrase result in aggravation and avoid them when you’re not at your best. Also, think about when you tend to have your conversations. I don’t know how much control you have over this, but if you always talk at the end of the day when you have nothing left to give, maybe that’s the problem. The solution might be as simple as talking in the morning instead.

Okay, so you try all that and you still find yourselves snapping at each other. Stop. The second you realize you’re doing it, stop. Learn to say “that came out wrong,” “sorry, that was mean/nasty of me, I shouldn’t have said that,” “I’m lashing out because I’m tired.” Learn to apologize. Ask for do-overs. Learn to verbalize things like “we’re on the same team,” “this fighting isn’t who we are, we’re not like this,” and “I’m learning how to be a better version of myself when I’m stressed/tired/whatever, thank you for supporting me.” Don’t roll your eyes. Yeah, it sounds corny, but people actually respect you a whole lot more if you can own up to your mistakes. If you can stop an argument and defuse it. People need to feel appreciated, heard, and valued.

Lastly, remember at all times that this is temporary. The rough spots end. The deployment will be over at some point. This is not what forever looks like. This is you both setting up for the lives you want to live. This is when you learn to love each other on a whole new level. Take everything you can learn from these times, be kind to yourselves, and push through.

Dear Lana,

I found talking about expectations before the visit to be super helpful. Ask what his reaction might be, and share yours. With Mr. E, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to speak. My anxiety disorder was crippling back in those days, and there was a very real risk I’d burst into tears or be mute. We’d never met in person, so we were also worried that maybe we wouldn’t be physically attracted. So we talked about that too. We set little rules for ourselves.

Some things are always going to be a little awkward though. And as awkwardness is unavoidable, you may as well embrace it. It’s part of the sweet courtship period. That romantic part of a relationship so glorified in our culture. You’re both feeling it, so when it happens make a joke. Laugh it off. Or if you don’t know what to say, tell him you don’t know what to say. Be honest that you’re nervous. It’s normal to be human, and refreshing when people don’t pretend they aren’t!

Just be yourselves, seriously.

Trust builds itself. Trust comes from an extended period of good behavior, generally. But to help it along, the key is vulnerability. It’s opening yourself up and being honest.

There’s only one sure-fire way to make your LDR easier either in the long or the short term, and that is to cultivate a positive attitude surrounding your LDR. If you feel sorry for yourself or angry at the situation, you will inevitably end up miserable. Consider yourself lucky to have found each other and to have each other in your lives, rather than making your relationship about the distance.

As for the rest, have faith in yourselves, the universe, or whatever you believe in. You have come this far together. See where it goes, keep an open mind. Don’t put pressure on yourselves to be a certain way or reach a certain point within a time frame, just go with what feels right and makes sense for both of you.

You’ve got this!