Miss You Issues: The Course Of The Future - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I am a rising college senior who attends school in the southern United States. I studied abroad last semester in France and spent one week in London after my classes ended. There, I met an amazing girl who I spent the night with. I thought it would end there, but we ended up keeping in touch. We began to text constantly and FaceTime once, or even multiple times a day. In April, she came to visit my school, and it was incredible. I have never felt this way about someone, and she feels the same way. We are such a part of each others’ lives, but I am not sure how to proceed. She lives in London, and I live on the east coast of the US. She said she wishes we could “pause” these feelings until next year when I will have a summer off and could travel to see her and spend time with her, but I feel strongly for her now; I’m not sure I’ll feel the same way in a year without any progress. I also worry that I’m investing time in someone with whom a real relationship might be impossible or very difficult. International flights are expensive, especially for students, but she might come visit me in July and I might visit her in October. However, I just don’t know if there is a future for us, so I don’t know if it’s worth the time, effort, money, and grief. I’m not sure if I should end the relationship now, we’re “open,” or try and pursue it. I would appreciate any advice

Across the ocean

Hi,

It sounds to me that the only problem your relationship has is the distance. If you were near proximity you would date and fall in love fearlessly, but you’re not, and so you wonder if it might not just be easier to quit while you’re ahead.

I won’t lie to you, international long distance has a whole slew of challenges that other couples might never even need to think about let alone face. And yes, it is expensive. It will always be expensive. In twenty years’ time when visas are a thing of the past you will still be buying those international flights to visit family and if you have children that will be even more costly.

There are visas requiring money, medical documents, background checks, extensive forms, witnessed signatures, travel records, more money and stacks of proof that your relationship is the real deal. It is stressful and invasive, not made any less so when people in your life question whether you or your partner and immigrating “for the right reasons.”

You will need to decide where to live together and for that reason alone long distance relationships can seem unbearably challenging. But they are far from impossible. Most things, really, are possible if you put the work in.
So yes. It would be far easier in the long term to just cut contact, move on and find a local girl who you will always secretly compare with your London Love in the back of your mind.

With that said, nothing worth doing is ever easy and you can’t take your money with you when you die. You’ve said you’ve never felt this way about someone; isn’t that worth fighting for? Nothing is ever certain about relationships, you can be married ten years and still not know for sure that you’ll still be together in old age, so don’t hold out for something that seems safer. Follow your heart on this one. If you both want this – if you both want each other – then make the choices that will bring your paths together.

You start making progress by talking about your goals and needs, and researching what steps you need to take to get there together. All the while you communicate. You keep the relationship fun. You support each other. Encourage. Send gifts. Introduce each other to friends and family. Work as a team. For the most part you can do everything in a long distance relationship that you would do in a near proximity relationship – you might have to go about it differently or wait longer or use your imagination quite a bit more, but it is attainable.

The only way there is going to be a future for the two of you is if you make it so and you can start on that by realizing that this is already a real relationship.

Dear Miss U,

Me and my boyfriend met last summer, he said he immediately wanted me to be his, we were best friends for around three months until i finally decided that i didn’t need to be scared of him breaking my heart. We have been together for just over a year now and he is planning on going into the air force. I clearly am going to be supportive because I would never want to hold him back from following his dreams, but I’m scared. We’re so used to seeing each other every day and I feel like he is pushing marriage so that way we can be together when he is in the air force but that is not the reason I want to get married. I do want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don’t want us to make this big step just because he’s going to be leaving. I just need some advice on how to do a long distance relationship and if marriage is a good idea right now.

Young in love

Dear Young in love,

I can understand the push for marriage because it does make military relationships easier, but you are right to wait until you are ready.

Some people believe that marriage doesn’t change anything; that it doesn’t mean anything anymore, but I am not one of those people. To me, marriage is serious.

When I was quite young I was certain that I would still be with Mr. E in ten years’ time. And we are. But now I have the gift of hindsight I know that if he had of come to meet me in the first or second year of knowing each other, or if we had gone official sooner, or if we had married younger we might not have made it. We were not ready. We were not the adults we would become. If teenage Miss U hadn’t had to fight so hard for teenage Mr. E she might have taken him for granted, or worse, when the hard times came she might not have known that they could be overcome. She wouldn’t have possessed the skills needed, because they wouldn’t have been developed fighting through years of LDR and poverty. I look back on our long courtship with fondness, and even now still wake in the morning full of wonder at what we have achieved together. That history makes a huge difference at times where he is away for work or when I’m feeling insecure.

You can know you want a person forever and still not be ready to take that step for whatever reason and whilst marrying now will make things easier, waiting will enable you to save up for the kind of wedding you want and to go into marriage with certainty and preparedness. I personally favor waiting, because you can always decide to get married later, but you can’t get un-married without destroying the relationship if later on you discover you really were not ready.

As to long distance relationships, your experience is largely determined by your attitude. You know it’s temporary. So look at it like a romantic test of faith rather than a crippling wasteland of loneliness that you need to cross. Stay busy, communicate openly, remember to keep it fun and you’ll be older, more secure, more experienced and married in no time.