Dear Miss U,
I am having an issue with my SO regarding our phone and video chatting schedule. In the beginning we talked very often. He is a Barber in Sweden and he is currently living with Family. We have a seven hour time difference. He did relay to me early on that he is not a phone person, but I feel like he made an exception to get to know me. But we talked all the time up until about two to three weeks ago. Now he tells me he does not want people to hear our conversations. Weather he is at the office working especially and now all of a sudden when he is home and people are around. He says when we talk on the phone he can talk in his room but we can’t video chat from his room because of Internet limitations. This is really bothering me because we have gone from talking about 100% down to like 40% a day. Because he says he does not feel comfortable talking when people are around. So this has truly cut down on our talk time. We have had a few negative discussions about our talk time. He thinks I am not being understanding. Like I tell him this is what he has created because at first it was okay but now I am supposed to understand that he does not want/can’t talk like we used to. I love this Man very much and loves me as well. I really do not want to lose this Man he is so awesome. But how do I honestly deal with not talking to him as often as we used to. Like I tell him talk time is all we really have and now he has reduced that because of other people. Please HELP!
Tammie
Dear Tammie,
I think it’s important to find out why he suddenly doesn’t want people to hear his conversations. Is someone at home giving him a bit of flack for talking to you so much? Is he embarrassed? Maybe he’s uncomfortable with people witnessing how much you mean to him because society constantly tells men they need to suppress their emotions. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to be rude to those around him. Because it IS rude to spend a lot of time on the phone in the presence of others.
The easiest solution is to address his internet limitations. Is there a piece of technology you could invest in together that would enable him to video chat from his room? Or can you move around your schedules to take better advantage of the times when no one is around?
Beyond these measures, the best you can do is find another way to fill that time you used to use for talking. Use it to nurture your hobbies or craft something he would love or even to communicate with him on another platform – long letters perhaps or via text chat. All you have is communication, however that communication doesn’t have to be limited to verbal communication. You can write, share music or poetry, and use photographs to communicate with each other. Look into new and fun ways to connect.
Dear Miss U,
I live in Sydney, Australia and my girl lives in Hamilton, New Zealand that is a distance of about 3500 kms, so it is a long way. I miss her terribly and we try to communicate daily but sometimes it is not enough and the distance breeds unwelcome thoughts.
I would appreciate any advice on coping mechanisms to help me.
Mike
Dear Mike,
Someone once told me “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.” I’m pretty sure they meant “when you aren’t busy you have too much time to think and get into trouble” and so that’s what I’m saying to you. Stay busy. Not just your hands, but your mind also. Learn something new. When was the last time you applied yourself to study? Perhaps there is a course at the local TAFE that could not only occupy your wondering thoughts but also enrich your life.
Beyond that, it’s important to learn how to take control of your thoughts. When you have a negative thought you need to recognize it and divert it rather than indulging it. For example, if your mind cruelly suggests that she isn’t picking up her phone because she’s with another man, don’t think about all the opportunities she might have or how because she’s so wonderful men must be throwing themselves in her direction. Instead, stop the thought cold and give a counter argument. Tell yourself “No Mike, actually she’s probably taking a huge dump and didn’t hear her phone.” And then redirect your thoughts to something more productive. I know of nothing that can stop these thoughts from occurring, but really it is how you deal with it that makes the difference.
Dear Miss U,
I have been talking to him for four months now and I’ve never been happier! He is the one I want to talk about my day with every night. He is amazing! He cares for me and asks my opinion on things. We have met once in person and it went better than I could have ever imagined. He is from my hometown but I am in college right now. I want to date him but I’m scared to agree to an official relationship because of the distance. I won’t even see him this summer due to the internship I’ve accepted. Should I try it anyways?
Confused in college.
Dear confused,
Sure, why not?
Here’s how I see it: You’re not going to stop being in contact with someone who makes you feel so great, and thus your feelings will likely deepen over time. Regardless of your relationship status, your bond will either deepen or die, as they all do. It doesn’t make a great deal of difference if you are official or not because the heart does what the heart wants. All the label does is solidify your obligation to care for each other, make time for the relationship and (most likely) not engage in romantic interactions with others – all things love compels you to do regardless. So, if that’s the case, why not “lock it in”? There’s nothing to lose!
