Miss You Issues: The Error Of His Ways - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

Hello! 🙂 I’m currently a senior in high school and my boyfriend is a freshman in college. The college he goes to is about 2 1/2 hours away and we see each other about every two weeks, but lately, we’ve been having some problems with communication.

Often times we’ll be in the middle of a conversation and then he’ll stop responding to me for a couple of hours (usually 3-5). It gets very frustrating because I’ve tried asking him to text me that he’s busy or that he has to go do something, which wouldn’t make me upset! But when he just drops me, it leaves me worrying about him. Often times I think that I’m an inconvenience to him and he only wants to talk when he has nothing else to do. I do understand college life is hectic and busy, but so is mine. I just don’t feel that effort to communicate and keep this thing going on his end.

The most frustrating thing though is that when we do talk about this, and I do tell him how this makes me feel, he apologizes, promising that he’ll change his habits, but he doesn’t follow through.

As I mentioned before, I see him about every two weeks (the longest time apart being a month) but I’ve offered several times to go visit him, but he ends up canceling at the last minute because he makes other plans.

I guess what I’m asking advice for is how to make this work because I do want to make it work! Really the only time we have issues is when we’re not together.

Thank you for taking the time to help me! I greatly appreciate it!

Communication Errors

Dear Communication Errors,

It’s madness to repeat the same actions expecting a different outcome, so reminding him – yet again – to actually use his manners isn’t likely to get anywhere. Seeming he’s unwilling to take three extra seconds to send BBL (Be Back Later), perhaps he’d be willing to give you a copy of his college schedule, or even share an online calendar with you so you can see “oh he’s got a lecture, in five minutes, that’s probably why he’s not getting back to me,” or “he’s gaming with Robbo tonight, I should call him at lunch instead.”

Secondly, it’s time he learned that he can spend time with you and his mates, he doesn’t need to straddle two different worlds. It’s not terribly hard for him to say, “Yeah, buddy I’d love to hang out, but my girlfriend is up this weekend, so she’ll be joining us.” Or even, “It’d be super rude for me to bail on my girlfriend last minute, let’s make this plan for the weekend after.” (Maybe send him a link to this letter, so he knows it’s not just you thinking he’s acting inappropriately.)

Beyond that, you can talk about mixing up your communication mediums. Texting all the time can get old, and some people don’t feel very connected using it. Ask him if there’s another platform he’d prefer to use or a method of communicating that he might be better at. Find out if there’s a way to make it even easier for him to stay in touch.

With that said, if nothing improves you’ll need to ask yourself if this is a deal-breaker. Is his flakiness going to carry over in your lives together after you close the distance? Does he make you a lower priority because out-of-sight-out-of-mind, or is he likely to cancel date nights for footy nights well into your thirties? How big of a deal is this?

We’re all learning to better our relationships constantly. At this point, he’s still learning how to adult in conjunction with that. It’s not easy, but it is common. Keep talking about it with him and offering solutions so you can both be happy and fulfilled in this relationship.

Dear Miss U,

I am in a very messy relationship. My back story: I was married for 9 years, have 3 children with my ex, and I’m struggling. My current boyfriend and I met 6 months ago randomly. It was one of those “instant love” situations. This was not just attraction. Same values, interests, lifestyles, etc. Our time together is magical. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks for a weekend. Sometimes we are alone, sometimes my children are with us. They love him too. The problem is; when we are apart, he thinks I’m with someone else or have other relationships. The accusations he has made are absurd and embarrassing. He also thinks I’m “too good for him.” It happens often. We argue daily about this almost. He says it’s his instincts and “they are always right.”

How can I get through to him that I’m dedicated and committed to our relationship? I tell him how much he means to me constantly. I have a lot of stress. A lot. Divorce, my mother died a few years ago, recent surgery on my hand, 3 little girls who are my top priority. My ex is away for work 4 months then home a month. My children need me. Can I really afford to be giving this much of myself right now? I love this man, but he’s exhausting me emotionally. We both have a lot of personal battles going on. I am trying so hard to be strong for him. Should we not be strong for each other? He is so much fun and we just click. I feel like he’s the missing part of my puzzle and that he was made for me. Is this worth holding onto despite all this?

Hallie

Dear Hallie,

Why on earth is he still with you if he instinctively “knows” you’re an unfaithful liar? That boggles my mind. Clearly, he’s got a whole lot of insecurity that has nothing to do with you. At this point, I’d be insisting that for the relationship to continue he needs to see a counselor and work through his issues instead of destroying you with absurd accusations.

If he won’t get help, I’m going to say no, it’s not worth it. You deserve better, and the kids need you to have stability, even if that’s a lonely road. I’ve got three little girls and a deceased mother too, so I really feel for you in your struggles. I admire your strength in getting through each day, and truly believe your energy would be better saved for people and activities that set your soul on fire – not hit and miss relationships where contact could be amazing, or could just tear you apart depending on that other person’s mood.

If there’s no trust the relationship is already dead.

Perhaps you would consider writing to me in six months or so, let me know how you go.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.