Dear Miss U,
I don’t usually go in to chat rooms. I was going through a difficult time in life, mother in hospital, sister losing her child, brother skipping school, dad stressed at work. I juggled cooking cleaning university work and running to hospital every night so I lost my social life, when I did have time I had no energy. My girlfriend turned out to be after money & sex and even though I wanted space she would keep ringing and would refuse to break up.
One night I decided to go online, just to escape my thoughts. By chance I started talking to a gay dude, I hadn’t realize we’d been talking for hours. He asked for my MSN, I was a little scared at first but gave it. I forgot all my worries when talking to him. 3 weeks later he asked for my number, I refused. 2 weeks later he forced his number on me, I saved it but said I may not text. A week later I had an argument at home and sent him a text. We started texting for months because I refused to speak on the phone, he confessed he was in love with me and he had been trying hard not to because he knew I was straight and didn’t want to scare me away. Soon just texting & snail mail wasn’t enough for him, it was either calls or end it, we started calls, eventually these calls got longer & later in to the nights. He had asked to meet a few times but I had refused because I started getting confused about my feelings & didn’t want to risk it. I kept denying my feelings but they were getting stronger & so were his. I can’t meet him but I also can’t let him go.
~ Li
Are you interested in having a relationship with him? Can you define your relationship a little for me? Are you committed to each other or still seeing other people? – Miss U
Homosexuality is wrong in both of our religions. His family don’t know he is gay. I don’t want to go against my family but I can’t help the way I feel. We’re not talking because he wants more and I’m afraid to give more. I miss him; it’s heartbreaking not having him around anymore. I don’t know what to do. I want to talk to him, I miss the sound of his voice, his laugh, all the silly things, everything, I really miss him.
We haven’t seen anyone else, well he did once but the guy got annoyed because he kept texting me/talking about me to him. In the end he cheated on him and broke up. Since then he hasn’t been with anyone else and said he doesn’t want to be with anyone but me but finds it hard to stay cyber friends and that’s why he left. He can see others but can’t we just call and text? I just want him in my life.
~Li
Dear Li,
You’ve asked me if it’s possible to continue an LDR without meeting, so I’ll address that first up. No, it isn’t. You know how so many people say “long distance relationships don’t work?”This is because, in a way, it’s true. For an LDR to work there needs to be an end eventually, a light at the end of the tunnel. Otherwise, the relationship can not progress past a certain point. It will stagnate and die. However, if you’re not ready to meet yet, that’s entirely different. This guy comes across as very pushy. Now, sometimes we need a little shove in the right direction in our lives, and other times that pressure is unwelcome and destructive. Only you can decide if he’s helping you do something you really want to do but are afraid to – or if he’s forcing something on you that you do not want.
I understand that you don’t want to be homosexual and that you believe it’s wrong from a religious standpoint; unfortunately we don’t get to choose our own sexuality. If you’re gay then no amount of avoiding this guy is going to change that fact. Getting married to a woman also would not change that fact – you’d just end up making each other miserable.
I can tell from your letters that you have an obvious emotional attraction to him; is there a physical attraction there also? Be honest with yourself. If there was no one in your life who would disapprove, and if your god(s) gave you their blessing – if you were free to make this choice without any outside influence – would you take this man as your partner? Would you commit to a romantic relationship with him?
All other people aside, you need to know what you need and what you want. You have to know yourself. Once you know what you want, the answers can become much clearer, though I can not promise this will get any easier.
If you decide that you do want him, that despite everything your life isn’t complete without him in it, then it is perfectly fine to contact him and say “I want this. I want you. But I need to take things slowly” It is not easy to discover your sexuality isn’t exactly how you imagined it would be, and if you need time and support to wrap your head around that, he needs to man up and support you through it.
I can see why it’s all or nothing for him. You’ve been flirting and getting emotionally closer for more than two years. He knows he wants you. For you to ask him to just be friends and never meet, is asking him to wonder “what if…?” every day for the rest of his life. Having you present in his life as a constant reminder of the one he loved but could never have would be cruel, and likely would hinder him ever forming a fulfilling relationship with another guy. There would be no closure for him, just an endless tease of what could have been if only one of you’d been born female. It is too much to ask.
I personally have no issue with homosexuality or homosexuals. Homosexuality is quite common in nature all throughout the animal kingdom, and in the world’s history homosexuality has not always been shunned, feared and persecuted; for example, the ancient Spartans frequently had homosexual relations – and you don’t really get men more manly than the Spartans were! Obviously, I don’t think that you would have anything to be ashamed of if you pursued a relationship with this guy, but I understand that people in our society can be very cruel. I know there is a lot of fear for young homosexuals, especially around how their families will react. Some people will be kinder than you could hope, others will surprise you with their ignorance and brutality – but as an independent adult your life is your own. If they can not support you, I urge you to make new friends and embrace new communities that love you for who you are. In time you may also make peace with yourself and your God(s) – because there are no doubt other homosexuals of your religion who have found spiritual fulfillment.
If there’s anything I can do to help you, do not hesitate to contact me again.
