The Otter Man

Dear H,

From one gamer to another: You boyfriend is being a moron. You have every right to get angry with him, because he’s judging you, disrespecting you, and treating you like you’re a cheater when you’re not. Let me make this very clear, you are not the problem and you don’t have to pander to his irrational controlling bullshit.

And it is bullshit.

What? He thinks you’re never going to interact with a member of the opposite sex? How exactly does he expect you to get through life? I mean, I was alone with the owner of my favorite café today. Just me and him for over half an hour. Scandal right?

Sometimes I’m there on the playground watching my kid, and there will be a father watching his kid, and because we haven’t had an adult conversation all day (maybe all week) he starts talking to me and cracking his dad jokes. I’m sure your boyfriend would think that was abominable. But what is a woman to do? Run away screaming “I’m married, you cad!” at every comment about the weather?

Men are bloody everywhere. At the bank. At the green grocer. At the traffic lights. On the bus. I keep telling them to stay home because they are threatening my virtue but they seem to think they have an existence beyond being sexually tempting. The nerve!

If that’s not bad enough, I’m pansexual. Potentially attracted to all genders. Any living breathing human within a ten year age radius of me is a potential mate. What’s a woman to do?!

Ha. Well, actually it was that revelation that got Mr. E past his own (mush less severe) jealousy issues. For a while there the fact my best friend was a guy was very uncomfortable to Mr. E, and I’m like “would you be jealous if Mike was a girl?”

“No,” he said, “Of course not.”

“But you know I’m attracted to girls too right? What do you want me to do, stay home alone forever?”

Thankfully, he got it.

Maybe, just maybe, something you say to your boyfriend will help him get it too.

In the meantime, don’t pander to his bullshit. Don’t apologize for having normal human interactions. Don’t let him make you feel guilty for speaking to another person who might have a penis.

Surely he isn’t attracted to every woman, or in-game heroine, he comes across. Why then does he think you’re going to be? How pathetic and desperate does he think you are?

You don’t need to be caring and loving and reassuring to your boyfriend when you’re typing to some random online who is probably fifty years old, living in his mother’s basement, and hasn’t showered in a month, because YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. You’re talking about imaginary otters in a fantasy world to someone you’re never going to meet. What on earth is there to get anxious about?

I’m always banging on about trust taking time. It takes time to build it, and time to repair it. But both people actually have to want it. At some point, you and your partner have to make a conscious decision to trust each other, or it’s something you will never have.

Make me a promise? If he’s still acting like this by the time you reach two years together, leave him. You deserve a partner who trusts you. A partner who respects you enough to choose to trust you, and who treats you accordingly.

Lastly, stop blaming yourself for this. You’re not the problem.

Dear Potentially Needy,

First up, why do you think being needy is a bad thing? Probably because teen movies and trashy magazines tell you that. All the guys want a girlfriend who is cool and aloof, right? They don’t want to deal with emotions because they’re men. Yeah, actually, that’s not true. Turns out guys are real humans with real emotions. A lot of them like feeling needed.

Now, if you’re always miserable and you rely on him for every shred of happiness, yeah you need to fix that. People can feel that kind of drain on their energies, and it can be a real drag. Eventually, that kind of imbalance in a relationship will destroy it. But if you’re both having fun together during your conversations, you’re doing stuff together and talking about things that interest both of you, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Me personally, I don’t text Mr. E. When we were long distance international text was brand new and it cost $1 for every message. Neither of us had that kind of money, so when we were away from our desks, we didn’t talk. If we were away for weeks, we’d send letters in the post, and maybe the occasional “I’m not dead. Still love you.” So because of that background, we don’t really message each other at work/school now. We always wait until the other comes home.

My view is that if they are at work, school, or a social event they are either being paid to focus on a task, or they would be deliberately being rude to be on their phone for any period of time. I can’t stand it when I’m at a family dinner, or I’ve gone out to catch up with the girls, and I look around the table to see everyone on their phones. I could have stayed home, read a book, or been with Mr. E (who is my favorite person in the whole world.)

Thus I do think less is more when it comes to texting. With that said, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be online together the whole time he’s home, as long as you don’t expect undivided attention. As a general rule, I tell people to aim for an hour of one-on-one talk time each day. The rest of the time you might be online but also studying, playing a game, cooking, or whatever.

In summary: Don’t expect texts from school, consider them a bonus. Keep your contact upbeat whenever possible. Try to make new friends so you don’t rely 100% on him, and lastly, realize he loves you as much as you love him. Loving you is not a burden. He’s not “putting up” with you.

Keep being the cool girlfriend too! You're doing a great job and it really pays off in the long run.