The Power of Now

Dear Paris,

This is exactly why I talk about fun a lot in these letters. Fun is the glue that holds a relationship together, not love. If we don’t enjoy being around someone, if we constantly feel drained rather than uplifted, the relationship can’t survive.

It’s natural not to want to spend time with people who leave us feeling wrung out.

Personally, I don’t think this has anything to do with the distance. I believe this would have happened regardless because there really is only so much a person can take.

The real question, for me, is: Is he getting help? Is he actively trying to do something about his mental health but struggling, or is he wallowing in misery and self-pity?

If he’s trying—really trying—to get better, and you walk out on him because you can’t take it anymore, that might be a bit slack. This is the time he needs you most, and we learn a lot by caring for the people we love. However, if he’s not making the effort to treat his body right, not reading self-help books, seeing a medical professional or even an online counselor, not even trying to enjoy his semester abroad... if he’s too busy being miserable and isn’t ready to stop then it might be time to say goodbye.

I can’t tell from your letter if it’s time to make that call or not. But I can tell you it’s time to have a talk with him. That’s not going to be easy. Advocating for yourself in a world that tells us everyone else must come first can be daunting if not downright painful. Do it anyway. It’s your last chance to turn this around.

Tell him straight up that you’re coming from a place of love and kindness, and that even if the two of you can’t save this relationship you want to give him the tools so that whatever “tough stuff” he’s going through mentally doesn’t destroy his next one.

I’m not entirely clear on whether his current problem is a continuation of what he was working through before this semester began, or if he’s just struggling with the distance now, but he needs to understand we can’t just dump on our partners constantly, be perpetually negative, and expect them to keep taking it. Humans don’t work like that. We want to be around people that make us feel good. As horrible and selfish as that sounds, it’s the truth.

Tell him exactly how you feel, and provide examples wherever possible. Don’t just say, “I feel down after we talk,” say, “Over the past, I’ve felt really bad after our conversations, and I’m afraid because it makes me not want to spend time with you. For example ___ made me feel ___.” During this conversation, provide actionable solutions.
Whiners complain about things. You’re not a whiner, you’re a person who gets stuff done! So before you go into this conversation, know exactly what you want to get out of it. Perhaps you want to return to a time before the issues began. Perhaps you want to see progress in the relationship or his path to recovery. Or maybe your goal will be as simple as enjoying the time you spend on the phone together again.

Whatever it is, tell him clearly, present a few solutions, and ask him to come up with some of his own too. Chances are he’s not aware the relationship even has a problem, so you need to give him a chance to correct course.

In the meantime, if you need to talk to him less to make the most of Paris, I’m not going to be judging. Right now, education should be your main focus. What would you tell your best friend, if she was going through this? Do that.

Dear Ella,

As a general rule, I try to answer every negative thought with three positive thoughts. Like last night Mr. E went to a party and wasn’t home by midnight when I wanted to go to bed. My first thought was (and always is) “He’s dead.” Because that’s my biggest fear. Probably always will be.

I stopped myself. “No, Miss U, he’s probably 1) just having fun and lost track of time, 2) playing Hearthstone on the bus and didn’t think to message, 3) schmoozing his way into a promotion.

I have to do this all damn day about negative self-thoughts, too. “I’m so stupid,” goes through my head a lot. “No, Miss U,” I say to myself, “You’re driven. You challenge yourself. You’re crushing it!”

Worry is essentially a rocking horse. It gives us something to do, but doesn’t get us anywhere.

I like to think through the worst case scenario if I’m facing something I’ve never dealt with before. In that instance, I will try to think of everything that might happen, and I research the heck out of it, too. But most situations and bad thoughts are not like this. They’re not fear of the unknown. I’m not learning anything useful by torturing myself, so I drown out the shit thoughts with better ones, and move on.

My best friend is reading a book about this exact topic and she reckons its helping. It’s called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I only listened to a few minutes of the audiobook in her car, but there seemed to be a lot of actionable stuff in there for people who get trapped in their own minds, so that might be a good place for you to start.