Miss You Issues: The Road To Forever | Long Distance Relationships

Dear Miss U,

After 3 years of being in this long distance relationship, I am starting to doubt if this really is working. I live in Italy and he lives in America. The first year was great. We made so many trips trying to see and spend as much time as possible with each other. We have planned on closing the distance, but things keep getting in the way. It’s been very rocky. At the moment I can’t move there because I have a daughter and her dad won’t let me take her away. He said he would move here but never makes the right steps to close the distance. He proposed to me but whenever I’ve tried to decide a day, it feels like it’s taking time.

We have a lot of money issues so I understand that part, I just feel bad with all the effort we've tried to make it work and the love we have. We're in our 40's so we're not getting any younger. I've been thinking a lot lately if I should just walk away from this now or just keep fighting and feeling hurt at the same time. He is the love of my life. I met him 15 years ago when I lived in America and after all these years apart, we never lost our feelings for each other, so I am feeling completely frustrating because no matter how hard I try I can’t be with him as I want.

Aurora

Dear Aurora,

I don’t see what you stand to gain by breaking up. You’ll still be in your 40s. You’ll still be lonely. Your heart will still hurt because he’s not with you. But there will never be a chance to change that, so you’ll always wonder what would have happened if you stuck it out.

You’ve loved this guy for 15 years, what are the chances you’ll magically stop loving him if you cut contact? It doesn’t seem likely to me.

I totally get your frustration, but unless there is a problem with him as a person, why break up?

I feel like we need to examine why you feel hurt. Is he doing something (or not doing something) that causes this pain, or are you just suffering because of your circumstances? If it’s the former, and despite the love between you he isn’t treating you well, or he isn’t fighting hard enough to close the distance (deliberately wasting money instead of saving it, making excuses not to get the paperwork in or whatever) then yes, you might need to save yourself the heartache and say goodbye. If you’re the only person invested in this, it’s not going to work. But if he’s hurting as much as you are, and fighting as hard as you are then you are on the same team and giving up is just a huge slap in the face. Moreover, you’ll have thrown away all the time you already invested.

My advice would be to pin him down for a straight answer: why won’t he set a date? What’s going on? How does he feel and where does he stand? Give him a safe place to talk it out, and remain calm even if some of what he says hurts. Look for the logic in it, then take everything he says and make your decision. You need information before you can proceed so you can be confident in your decision.

Money is the biggest destroyer of relationships. It can be hard to talk about. But you’re going to need to work together to fund his move, and you ought to consider getting financial advice with a tailored budget plan. Yes, that costs money, but it can save you so much in the long run, particularly if finances aren’t your/his strong point.

Lastly, talk to him about ways you can make the long distance portion of the relationship more satisfying. If you’re enjoying it, even with the hurdles, that makes it so much easier to stick with, so you need to find a way to inject the fun back in! Do things with your time together beyond talking and you’ll remember why you chose each other in the first place.

I wish long distance was easier, but if you can get through this together, I’m pretty sure you can do anything.

All The Best,

Dear Miss U, ...I can't wait to be with him again, but he's not confident about our future - this week I need to confirm which uni I will go to in September and have my heart set on one in a city about 1 and half hours’ drive from him. I don't see this as a LDR but he does and doesn't want to have this kind of relationship. He is older than me and works full time. He is worried about me 'changing' when I become a student but I think I have enough life experience already that it won't all be new to me. I have another option of staying in my hometown to study. He says he will move to be closer to me if I do. But I don't want to have to choose between the uni I want to go to and my relationship with him.[read more: Distance & Your Future]
Dear Miss U, I’ve been in a loving relationship for almost 9 months now. However, since my girlfriend hasn’t seen me in a while, she felt the long distance was too much and we took a break in July. From there on, she said her feelings aren’t as strong as they once were, but lately, it’s been getting better, mainly because we didn’t want to give up so easily. Anywho, I want to bring up the question, “Can we close the distance?” I’m not sure if it’s too soon. I’m scared of the future and I just don’t know what to do I don’t want her to lose her feelings if it ever comes to that. [read more: Not Giving Up]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.