My boyfriend (actually, fiancé, though we don’t plan on marrying for a while) have been together for 3 years and have been long distance for about a year now. At first it was okay, but lately, we bicker a lot. We're currently on opposite time schedules. We don’t talk much anymore and bicker a lot. Lately, I struggle a lot with feeling like he’s hiding things from me, like when he goes out he won’t tell me. If he’s with friends he’ll intentionally not mention certain people. He says he doesn’t do it on purpose and means nothing by it, but it just feels like it’s all for a reason.
We argue about it a lot and lately, I find myself feeling like I wouldn’t even care if he were hiding something or seeing someone else. I hate that I feel that way, but I feel so apathetic about it all now. When we argue I have no interest in putting effort into it. Since I’ve recently started uni it’s been easy to distract myself and it’s an “out of sight out of mind” thing, and it was never like that before. We’ll be stuck long distance for LONG time, as in at least probably 8 more years before we could live together, and while I never used to feel this way, I don’t think I can keep doing this much longer. I don’t know where to go from here. If I don’t really have interest in fixing things, does that mean it's over? I don’t know how to even have a conversation about it with him when it can’t be face to face. I’m just kind of at a loss right now.
Aspen
Dear Aspen,
Eight years, wow. That would be nearly a decade long distance. I like to think I’m tough, but I don’t think I could do that. If I could, I can’t imagine why I’d want to. He must be one-of-a-kind amazing for you to have signed up for this. Sadly, it sounds like you’ve forgotten why you like each other.
The good news is, that’s normal. Sometimes I forget why I like Mr. E, and I live with the guy! The even better news is, this can be fixed. People have this notion that the thing that holds people together is love, but I don’t believe that for a moment. Love is not, and never will be, all you need. In my opinion, the glue that holds your relationship together is fun. When was the last time you had fun together?
If this was me, I’d be planning an emergency visit, and planning as much fun as humanly possible. But failing that, make time to have fun together online.
Yes yes, you’re busy, your partner is busy... But mate, we’re all busy. Ridiculously so. We have to make time (and sometimes money too) for the people that set our souls on fire. Your relationship needs to be a priority. One of your top three, even.
With that said, let’s look at these arguments. Why does it matter who he’s hanging out with, and whether or not he lists every name? At what point did he lose your trust, and was it warranted? Society likes to tell us the number one worst thing is cheating and that guys are little better than beasts with no self-control, but it’s not true. It’s super easy to fall into suspicion but resist. Your apathy might turn out to be a good thing in this case.
Whilst I think it’s totally fine to leave a relationship that’s no longer working, would you have written to me if you’d really given up all hope? If you told him how you’ve been feeling, would he make time to talk it through? Would he put in the effort to fight for this relationship? You say you don’t know how to have a conversation about it without it being face to face, but sometimes there isn’t a “how”— you just do. You say “I need some of your time, let's arrange a time to talk.” Add “it’s important,” if you think he will resist. And then you just start talking.
Relationships aren’t about our bodies, they are about our personalities. Our minds and souls. That’s why the love persists when our bodies fall apart. You don’t need to be in the same room to have this talk, you just need courage.
If you want to break up, cool. But before you do, give yourself the peace of mind that comes with trying your hardest to make it work first.
My wonderful boyfriend and I have been together while at university for 2 and a half years. Our lives together are so wonderful but as we graduate, we are moving back home to opposite sides of the UK for a year to save money. My question is: how do I keep myself feeling better and positive for the duration of this stay without getting too low.
Rachael
Dear Rachael,
I’d start by making a big fancy count down, so you can see how close you are getting; every day is a step closer. If possible, I’d plan a visit somewhere in there too. There are certain times of the year that are cheap to travel. All you need is one good sale to get a recharge checkpoint installed into your year. I know that sounds counter-intuitive to saving money, but going too extreme for the sake of money just damages your mental health and relationship. Learning how to save money without feeling utterly deprived is a worthwhile skill to nurture.
Beyond that, plan time together, keep the relationship fun, and—the oldest advice in the book—keep yourselves busy. Being busy really does pass the time like nothing else.
Your attitude is your most important tool. Hold on to gratitude, knowing you’re one of the lucky ones to have found lasting love so young, and remember that this will be a story you tell your grandkids someday, so make it a good one!
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