Dear Miss U,
I have noticed recently that my boyfriend has really pulled away from me.
We used to speak on the phone at least 2 or 3 times a week as well as continuous texting throughout the day.
Over the last couple of months, I am lucky if I get more than 6 texts a day from him and well the phone calls, they don’t exist anymore.
I try really hard and ask him if we can catch up on the phone and he never responds.
He says he loves me and misses me and drives him nuts being away from me but he actions speak louder than words, he has pushed me further and further away and I don’t know what I can do.
Please help!
Kniggit.
Dear Kniggit,
Wow. Continuous texting throughout the day? I am honestly not sure I’ve ever received 6 text messages from Mr. E in one day, never mind expecting more than that EVERY DAY. To me personally, that seems a bit extreme, so maybe your partner just can’t keep up that kind of pace? Maybe he is genuinely busy applying himself to work or study. Maybe he’s trying not to be rude to everyone around him by not being on his phone all the time. And maybe he doesn’t talk to you about this because he doesn’t know how to say it without offending you.
When you finally do get him on the phone, I would bring this up gently. Say you have noticed that the rate of communication between you has dramatically decreased, reassure him that you’re not angry and you’re not going to fly off the handle, but that you need to check in and make sure everything is fine on his end. Ask him why he hasn’t been communicating as much via text and more importantly why he is avoiding being on the phone with you. It could be as simple as he really feels there is nothing to say, and so he’s putting that time and effort elsewhere. Find a compromise that keeps you both happy.
It is also quite common for enthusiasm to settle down a bit as the relationship reaches a more secure stage. Do you think old married couples are still texting 20 times a day? No, they aren’t. But they love each other just as much if not more as you two love each other now.
My first instinct is to tell you not to worry too much about it. I would personally back off on the texts and perhaps initiate something new and exciting for your relationship instead. Perhaps you can do a photo challenge together, or start a shared project (scrapbook, blog, costumes for cosplay, whatever you’re into) or simply commit to one night every two weeks being your date night when you do something together. (Yes, it is entirely possible to do things together when you’re not physically together, and it takes the pressure off making conversation.)
Dear Miss U,
I met my partner in high school (we were 16 but started dating when I turned 17-awesome birthday!) and we’ve been dating ever since! College has been tough, as you can probably imagine, since we have not attended the same school since HS.
I just transferred to the school he is attending but he is currently studying abroad. I’ve adjusted here very well and do not regret my decision transferring to the same school-in fact, I wish I had done it sooner. Our relationship hasn’t been very stable since last year when I experienced a major depressive episode and doubts were the major defect that damaged the relationship.
He use to be very optimistic about our future *together* but ever since my experience with depression, he has lessened the wording of “us/we” when we talk about the future. He usually talks about his future as if he is going to live it solo. It makes me really sad and I have opened up my feelings to him about it and he reassures me that 1) he loves me and 2) he is confident it will work out.
I believe him when he says this, but it’s hard for me to not be concerned when he talks about traveling places or going to grad school far away and no mention of me in his future. What am I supposed to do or communicate to him without pushing him away?
Mentally am in a better place and have been improving myself since January, but am sad that I might have “ruined” the ideal future we had in mind by doubting it when I was depressed.
Thank you,
MysteryK 🙂
Dear MysteryK,
I think that you need to be blunt about it next time this happens. If he’s talking about grad school or whatever say “If this is your dream we need to make a plan and talk about how we can make it viable for you to do this and us to still be together.” If you’re not willing to be long distance indefinitely, make that clear too. Try “when our current commitments come to an end
Remind him that there’s no reason you can’t chase educational goals, career goals and travel goals together. That is how relationships work. You talk about what you both need and want out of life, and then you work out how you can make it happen and when. Sometimes you have to take turns, sometimes you have to support each other, sometimes you will need to wait a little longer for something so that there is enough funds for both of you to take part; but if you want to live your life together you need to plan it together.
Inclusive language is nice, but it’s not enough, it’s the actions that count. Mr. E. is terrible with his language; he says “my car” (even though it’s in my name!) and “when I do…” but he’s told me time and again that he imagines me there too; he just doesn’t say it. Not very romantic, but he remembers to book for two when the time comes so what more do I need?
It can be hard, without a solid plan or experience to back it up, to envision our lives including another person so completely too. It’s outside your partner’s experience, and sometimes the distance makes it hard to imagine ever not being alone. I don’t think you’ve ruined anything. But I do think you’re both old enough, and have been together long enough, to start not only talking of a future together but laying the groundwork so that it happens. Show him your optimism for your combined future in this way and I’m sure it will catch on.
