Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend works entertainment on a cruise line. It was her dream to work on a cruise ship and she finally got the audition and the job for 1 contract. We have done the distance thing now and it is coming up on her time to come back. She is now asking should she put yes on “to be considered for future contracts” on her end-of-contract paperwork. There is nothing more I want in the world than for us to be together here. She says that’s what she wants too but then questions like this come up. She says she loves me more than any of this. Shouldn’t she want to be here with me? She has a job set up here; it is not as if she doesn’t have a job. Am I being selfish? I have supported her in this entire contract and still am supporting her, I am wondering though. Thank you!
Alex
Hello Alex,
Not every job is THE job, you know? Sure she could earn money doing something else, but most people have something they’d prefer to be doing and for her that’s working on a cruise ship.
Your relationship is still very young. I suspect she is thinking that the longer you stay together and the more serious it gets, the less freedom she will have to take these opportunities, so she wants to take them now. It’s a way of avoiding later regrets.
Yes, you are being a bit selfish, but that’s not always such a bad thing. You care, and you want to be together. There’s nothing wrong with that. I guarantee that she does want to be there with you, and that it’s a hard decision for her to make.
I suggest encouraging her to follow her dreams, but also maybe talking to her about sometime in the future (maybe 3 to 5 years from now) where you’ll want to settle down and not take jobs that keep you apart. If her traveling for work for long periods of time is a deal breaker for you let her know that you’re willing to support her now but not forever. It’s ok to say “this is not what I want in life” and draw a line. Likely she will get to the stage many other women do and have to give up this kind of freedom to have children anyway. Just talk to her.
In the meantime though, a big part of relationships is nurturing each other’s dreams and helping each other grow as individuals. The relationship is too new for you to be tying her down and asking her to sacrifice something that obviously means a lot to her.
Patience is a virtue.
Greetings….
I hope that all is well with you. I’m writing because I really just want some pointers. This is actually my second LDR, however this one is father away. It went from 3 hrs – 11 hrs. I figured I’d give it a try because I wanted him in my life. And I know long distance is hard however I’m up for the challenge. I love this man however we are going through changes since he has found new employment within his passion. Now I hardly get to talk to him and he says it because his new position takes all of his time. Well I explained to him that he could at least take one minute out of his day to respond or pick up the phone. I told him that I wasn’t trying to hinder him if his job is going to be a main factor in his life and he asked me to be understanding, which I have been. But I also want him to understand how I feel…..I asked if he wanted to break up so he could focus and he stated No… But I don’t know…..I’m so head-over-heels and I’m going to see how it goes from here. I’ve told him how I felt and vice versa… Any pointers?
Thanks,
Kay
Dear Kay,
His job is to him as this relationship is to you; which is to say he feels about his job the way you feel about having a successful relationship. It is a key difference in the way men and women think. You both need to show understanding in this. He needs enough freedom from you that he can do his job – but you need enough presence from him so that you can do yours. You can’t forge a successful relationship if he’s not present for you to do so.
All you can do is talk to him about it, and set boundaries. Give him a clear idea exactly what you need from him to make this relationship work.
I expect that he feels less obligated to make time for you because you are not physically there. He may assume that his excessive amount of work doesn’t really affect you because you are so far away. Let him know that whilst the distance does mean you don’t expect him home in time for dinner, but that it doesn’t mean he can expect you to wait in the wings until he decides to make time for you.
I also suggest you pick up a new hobby to keep yourself busy with, as this will help you feel less needy.
