Dear Miss U,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend since we were seniors in high school. I care about him a lot, and he’s been one of my kindest friends; he always knows what to say to me when I’m feeling low and when we see each other, we always have a great time together.
But I’ve been having doubts for a while. It started after we graduated, and he got a new job. We were still living in the same city at the time, but he asked me not to call, text, or try to visit him for a while because he was ‘just too busy for it’. So I waited. Two and a half months later, he finally called me to say that he had time for me again, now that things had calmed down.
A couple of months later, he moved 6 hours away, promising to keep in touch, which he didn’t. Sometimes I’ll go weeks or even over a month without hearing from him. And then, when I do, I’m naturally upset with him, which he doesn’t seem to understand even now. I’ve talked with him over the phone, I’ve physically sat him down to talk to him even, to tell him how much this bothers me and how insecure it makes me feel about our relationship, and he always blows it off at the first sign of my forgiving him for it.
I honestly am at a loss. I really like this person, and the time we spend together is fun. But he doesn’t make any effort to make me feel cared for; he doesn’t even really try to visit me. I’m afraid that I’m the only one who’s really invested in this and willing to put forth the effort to make it work. Should I keep waiting?
Trinity.
Dear Trinity,
I think it’s time to stop waiting. After four years, if he still can’t see your worth and can’t wrap his mind around what commitment means, you are going to have to cut your losses. Frankly, he needs to understand that he can’t pause the relationship, he can’t just not call for weeks at a time and he can’t just disregard his partner’s feelings. It simply does not work like that. It’s not ok to expect a partner to just wait around, to just be there when we want them, when we “have the time” for them. We make the time for people we care about. Don’t waste some of the best years of your life giving the best you’ve got to some guy who doesn’t realize how great he’s got it.
By all means, once you’ve had time to heal, if you want to remain friends it looks like this relationship could make that transition. You don’t have to cut him out of your life if that’s not what you want. But when it comes crunch time, you want a partner standing beside you who you know is 100% invested. Who you know cares not only about you but about their relationship with you. Someone you can rely on. Someone who can step into your shoes and cover your bases when you’re unable to for some reason. Someone who will look after you when you need nurturing. Someone who you know is always going to take your call.
When it comes time to marry, or travel to foreign lands, buy your first home or have children; you want someone beside you that you can trust completely to be responsible, follow through, and who cares about your interests as much as their own. This is not that guy. I’m sure he’s nice. He’s a good friend. But he’s in it for himself and he’s not treating you like a partner – like an equal – He’s treating you like an add-on to his own life, rather than like a real person with thoughts, feelings, needs and goals of her own. You most certainly can find a better match than that!
I wish you all the best in finding everything you deserve in love.
Dear Miss U,
Me and my boyfriend has been together for a couple of months now, everything being so far so good. But there is one thing, and I can agree to this not being very connected to LDR, but I believe my issue still is relevant.
I am still kind of “little.” So if I would’ve been older this probably wouldn’t have been a problem; my parents doesn’t know that I am in a relationship. LDR no less. And the problem is I can’t just tell them. Mom is to begin with, very protective of things regarding the internet. She believes it’s idiots everywhere, (partially true I suppose.) And she know I like to play online games, but she’d never guess I’d find love through it. But now it happened and I’m scared of how she’d react if I told her. For me to have met this guy, become a couple and (obviously) have sent pictures of what I look like to this guy. That’s very unlike me to even do, but I felt comfortable doing it.
But anyway, I’m pretty sure she’d flip out. And what if she forbids me to talk to him? What if she just neglects the whole idea? It all feels very risky.
But what if I went the other way around; don’t tell anyone. Wait until I’m 18 or something so I can “decide for my self” so to speak. But the drawback of that is, well, how angry will she be then? And what if she finds out before? It probably be worse if she found out by herself instead of me telling her.
I’m grateful for any advice you have, since I haven’t dared to talk to any friend…
What should I do?
Miss Secretive
Dear Miss S,
My mum used to tell me all the time “If you want to be treated like an adult, you have to act like one.” To her credit, she followed through with that. When I acted with maturity she would often acknowledge it, and I would thus gain more freedoms and privileges. I think this is a good starting point for you.
Firstly, you need to understand why your mom has the worries that she does. One of these reasons comes down to life experience. She’s had her share of dating misadventures and even heartbreaks, I’m sure. You are more precious to her than life itself, so she’s naturally going to want to protect you as much as possible. It’s quite possible she secretly dreads the day you bring home a guy and say “mom, this is my boyfriend” but she also knows it’s inevitable. It’s not unusual for 14 year olds to be dating. Secondly, we parents are often surprised by the developmental leaps our children take before our eyes – all the way from those first steps to the development of romantic feelings. It’s entirely possible to be proud and scared witless at the same time. While we’re in awe of how high our babies can climb, we are terrified of the fall one misplaced foot could lead to, you know?
Lastly, parents do see their kids do some remarkably stupid things, so occasionally when something new crops up it’s hard to give the benefit of the doubt and trust that you know what you’re doing this time. Either way, being able to relate to her position, and show her that you understand and even agree with some of her fears can go a long way toward her trusting your judgement.
I don’t think dropping huge bombshells on people is a good way to get their best reaction, rather I encourage you to ease her into it slowly. You can do this in a range of ways, but one example is to make comments on other relationships you see around you (preferably in the media or fictional relationships) so she knows that you’re thinking about these issues and how they apply to you. Open a dialogue with her about relationships. These are gentle ways to let her know it’s on your mind, and that you’re approaching it sensibly rather than with the usual misguided enthusiasm people see in teenagers.
When you’ve given them time to process that boys and relationships are on your radar, then you can start dropping the name of your online friend. Again, don’t jump right in there and be all “I’m so in love and dating this guy I’ve never met…” take it easy. Be like “I’ve gotten my chores and homework done early, because I agreed to go on a raid/team up for halo/ other game thing with
It is key to speak confidently. Don’t act like you’re doing something wrong, because you’re not. If you get all embarrassed or nervous, they are going to pick up on that, so act normal.
If they ask, “Is he your boyfriend?” I would hedge with, “He lives a long way away, and we both need to focus on our studies right now, but we do have feelings for each other. Maybe in a few years we can see where it goes.”
Trying to hide this relationship for four years would be laughable, and more importantly, pretty bad for the relationship. No one likes to feel like their partner is ashamed of them. But that doesn’t mean going in confession-style would end well for you. Take it easy.
One last thing: You do need to practice safety with internet dating, no matter how safe you feel. Don’t rush into giving out your home address or phone number. If you do decide to send intimate photos of yourself, don’t include your face or obvious bodily marks (unique scars, birthmarks etc.) in them. Always see a person in real-time on webcam before meeting them in person, photos can be faked, and don’t agree to meet in secret. Meet in a safe public place, and make sure people know where you are, what you’re doing and who with.
