There's no shame in LDRs - Long Distance Relationships

Dear Miss U,

Four months ago, I met the man of my dreams through an online game (I know, weird right?).

We've had amazing chemistry since day 1. We both met each other when were unemployed so we basically spent the whole day talking, playing, chatting; you name it.

Both of us are still living with our parents. He's from Argentina and I'm from Costa Rica. Both of us have been... scared? to tell our parents since we know they don't think LDRs are serious or actually work so we haven't told them anything yet as we are still trying to figure out how to tell them.

Recently, I got a job but he hasn't yet, so it's been really hard for us to not be talking as much! His brother just got into a fight with his girlfriend and moved back into his house and has to share a room with my boyfriend and since he hasn't told them yet, we won't be able to Skype (voice, video) at all basically - just text - and it's killing me knowing I won't be able to see his beautiful face every day like we're used to.

There's also the possibility that he'll be getting a job soon and due to the time difference that means less and less time together so it's really killing me inside.

He is truly one of a kind and captured my heart from day one! We love each other so much and we both know being in a relationship means sticking through thick and thin but this is just so hard on us.

How can we make this work or be a little easier on us? Do you have any advice on how to tell our parents?

Sincerely,
Maria & Max

Dear Maria and Max,

You’re adults. If you want to be treated like adults and have your relationship respected like any other adult relationship, you kind of have to walk the walk. Simply put, you need to act like adults, and treat your own relationship with the respect you think other people should show it.

This means he needs to say to his bro, “Hey, I’m going to need our room for an hour, I’m just going to skype Maria for a bit.” Just like that. To make it easier on the brother you can even agree on a set time each day when this happens, so he doesn’t feel like he never knows when the space will be occupied. An hour each day, while not what you’re used to, is far better than nothing for, well... who knows how long the brother will live there? It’s not worth suffering to keep this a secret, which brings me to my second point.

Adults don’t have secret relationships (unless they are extra-marital affairs, and that’s just bad,) so you need to stop hiding it. There doesn’t need to be some grand coming-out, you don’t have to confess to your parents you’re in an LDR, just have your relationship. Like you would a near-proximity relationship. You’re not doing anything wrong, but by acting like a long distance relationship is some terrible sin, you make it into a big deal. If you act guilty, people can smell that fear and they will treat you like you have something to be ashamed about. The key is to act confident.

Say to the parent you’re closest with something casual like, “Oh I’m so excited, Max and I are going to watch together tonight, I’ve been looking forward to it all week.” Or “It’s raid night tonight, Maria and I are going to take down, is there anything I can do for you before 6pm when the raid starts?”

You know, just slip the name in there. The questions will come, so make sure your answers are prepared. Don’t apologize! Be proud of your partner. You love each other, and you want your families to love your partner too. LDR might have been a big deal 30 years ago, but now it’s very common. There’s a whole community of people here at LFAD doing it, and they are just a slice of the LD population.

The number one way to make a LDR easier is to change your attitude toward it. Instead of thinking of the distance first, think of the relationship. Like, you’re in a relationship that just happens to be long distance. The distance is a factor, it’s not the entirety. Stay positive too. Be grateful you found each other rather than mournful that you’re not physically together. Embrace what you do have and the solid foundation you were privileged to start with, it will help you keep perspective.

Thinking of which, yes, it can suck a little when you’re both working and have less time together, but that’s not a whole lot different from being near-proximity. I can honestly say I got more quality time with Mr. E when we were an ocean apart than I do now we are living together. Most of the time we do have we’re asleep for. So that working and juggling a time difference thing, look at that like practice. You’re both going to work for the next fifty odd years. You might even have children or other commitments that suck away the time you’d like to spend together. This is just adult life. A constant struggle between doing work to survive, trying to get enough sleep, maintaining important relationships and actually having fun.

The good news is, you have your whole lives ahead of you to enjoy this adventure together. You will get better at managing time and coping with the demands of an LDR. Your families, whether they approve or not, will get used to your relationship too. The future is bright! Just be yourself, be honest and proud, and don’t apologize for loving who you love.

In kindness,

Dear Miss U, …I recently went to see him behind my parents back while I am in college. After that, I decided to tell my mother and she does not approve one bit. She says he is not someone that can help me in life because he does not have money (What do you expect Haiti is a poor country). He is just gonna leave me and I need to get the idea of being with him out of my head because if it is for her and my father, that relationship will never happen. I plan on bringing him here, but I know that once I do that, I will get shunned by my family. Is there anything I can do to show her that it is not about money? I do not want her to stress me and somehow force me to leave him, but I also do not want to ruin my relationship with my mother… [read more: Live for Yourself]
Dear Miss U, My boyfriend lives in India and I’m from Slovenia. So when we started dating I asked him if we could Facetime so my parents could meet him. And he refused. He said he isn’t a family person. What can I do about it? And how can I tell my parents that we are dating? I know they won’t approve but I love him so freaking much! [read more: Every Day Counts]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.